Awesome Instead
by AnnaYesMaam
Summary: In the wake of Hurricane Quinn, Barney and Robin attempt to move on while still retaining some semblance of their now irrevocably changed friendship. Yet neither one can quite shake their seemingly hopeless feelings for each other. Or: Musings on Season 8 before it's Joss'd outta town. *Contains some potential spoilers* Complete!
1. Prologue

**Title:** "Awesome Instead"  
**Author:** Anna-Yes-Ma'am  
**Rating**: PG-13 (for language)  
**Summary:** In the wake of Hurricane Quinn, Barney and Robin attempt to move on while retaining some semblance of their now irrevocably changed friendship. Yet neither one can quite shake their seemingly hopeless feelings for each other.  
Or: Musings on Season 8 before it is Joss'd outta town.  
**Characters/Pairings:** Barney/Robin, Barney/Quinn (extremely briefly), Robin/OC (not as briefly), and The Gang + Marvin Jr.  
**Spoilers:** Based on A LOT of what has been said and implied about Season 8, as well as all of Season 7. You have been duly warned.  
**Disclaimer: **If I owned HIMYM, the season 7 finale would have gone very, very differently. But, alas, it is not mine.  
**Author's Note:**First time writer, long time reader. Totally open to constructive feedback, but be gentle to the virgin please!

_..._

_**Prologue – May 14, 2012**_

_I'm crouched like a crow, contrasting the snow  
For the agony, I'd rather know..._

_..._

Quinn was in hell.

It was almost funny. You see, she had every reason to be ecstatic at that moment because _finally_ all of her finagling, all of her momentum, and all of her carefully calculated planning had come to a most glorious fruition. But despite the glimmering and expensive ring perched on her left hand, she couldn't help but tap her foot impatiently against the curb in rising frustration. She felt an unfamiliar bile rise into her chest and course up to her throat, aching and scratchy and altogether unpleasant.

So actually, not really funny at all.

_God, if only he would shut up for, like, a second._

"…And as the lights dim, I'll descend from the ceiling to 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' because, you know, I'm gonna_ rock _marriage like a _hurricane_, up-top-you-must-bump-this!" His boyish face twisted into an obnoxious snort as he raised his clenched fist into the air.

Quinn wasn't sure if any human being had the capacity for eye rolling that Barney Stinson's presence required. It was really all she could muster in response because everything he said was so... painfully stupid. Blinking her eyes shut in exasperation, she thanked God when the cab chose that exact moment to pull up in front of MacLaren's. She easily sidestepped into the car, avoiding validating his idiotic ideas for a moment longer. Because seriously, at that point? She really had no idea if the wedding would even happen.

True, there were a lot of reasons to stay with Barney and only one to leave. But that one had the potential to nag at her for a very long time. And possibly wear one of her bridesmaids' dresses. And just be around forever with her stupid tallness and her stupid famousness and stupid pretty smile. Quinn had known she would be trouble the first time she saw her and noted how attentively the two of them avoided each other. When she initially pressed him on it, he simply smiled at her like she was crazy and explained that they were casually friends who ran in the same group and not really much more. But Quinn knew better. She had been observing Barney for years and she knew quite well that there was absolutely _nothing "_casual" about his interactions with one Robin Scherbatsky. And when it came out that they once dated?

_Ugh._

Shaking off her growing fury, Quinn delicately slid over to the furthest corner of the seat. Maybe he would get the hint and leave her alone until she had a little bit more time to process. The day's events were slowing her normally computer speed brain into a bleary, hopeless mess. Being a stripper, she was used to all the attention firmly on her. She commanded it from all men and Barney most especially. But now she felt itchy and uncertain. She wanted no part of it.

Of course, as soon as he was in the taxi and gave the driver his (_their_) address, Barney insistently waved his outstretched fist in front of her face. And to that horribly annoying nuisance, Quinn rolled her eyes and shot him a sharp elbow to the ribs. She was _so _not in the mood.

"Barney—"

Somehow mistaking her anger for hesitancy, Barney put down his hand and wrapped his arm around her, squeezing her to him with a jangling laugh. A wide and wild grin broke across his lips, and his eyes twinkled as he gently nudged her hip.

"C'mon. I promise it'll be _awesome_. So then Tim Gunn will say, 'Barney, do you take this legendary woman to be your legendary wife so long as you both shall live and/or have perky breasts?' And then I'll turn to the audience and say, 'I don't know, _do I_?'" He stared Quinn down, rubbing his chin with a dramatic flourish and he winked devilishly at her.

She wanted to vomit all over his Armani.

"And everyone will gasp and holler and cry – Ted will, naturally, faint and Lily'll throw herself at me, screaming in joy because she didn't miss her chance-"

"You sure it's Lily you want to scream about that?" Quinn asked flatly, harshly scratching the back of her neck. It was like a wool body suit covered her skin and she just wanted to rip it off. Everything was out of sorts and her hairline was practically on fire as her anger raged on.

Caught off guard by her question, Barney's eyebrows quickly stitched together: "What? Yes, I mean… but that's not even the point—_Anyway_, what this is all leading up to is me silencing the crowd and then materializing a steel guitar out of thin air and saying, 'Baby,'" (He ducked his head suavely towards an imaginary crowd through the taxi partition) "'You know I do.'"

"Then POW! Above in fireworks and rocket fueled lights, the words 'HE DOES!' light up above the altar and I do several hard riffs and everyone goes wiiiiiild!" He fell back against the seat with a dreamy look on his face, pretending to play a chord on an air guitar.

_Idiot._

"Then we'll make out and go find somewhere to do it. Maybe up on the altar? We know everyone wants to see a piece of the Barnacle and Big Fudge in action."

Quinn just stared at him and his stupid, waggling eyebrows. Did he always move his eyebrows around this much? Because it was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid Barney. Stupid jerk. But also, most importantly, and just so stupidly... Stupid Quinn.

_A nice apartment is so not worth this crap._

Tapping her foot restlessly and silently against the air, she was becoming less and less certain that she could keep her thoughts bottled up until they got back to Tinkerbelle's Vagina. Sucking in a harsh breath and biting her tongue, she firmly crossed her arms and glared at Barney through the slits of her eyes.

"You talk a lot." She finally said, staring down at her perfectly manicured and glittery fingernails. Barney's eyes widened into his patented wounded stare and he scooched closer to her, his knee touching her thigh.

He visibly stiffened when she pulled away. _Good. He should be scared._

"I'm only mostly joking," Barney chuckled nervously. "We can have a normal wedding. Or get married in Vegas or a court house or wherever. I really don't care." He looked down at his hands with a small sigh, "I just want to get married."

And then Quinn couldn't take it anymore. Against her will, her lungs let out a harsh, cold bark of a laugh and her eyes filled with fire as she smacked him as hard as she could against his arm. He was such a jerk. Such a stupid asshole of a jerk that she really wasn't even sure why she thought he would be a worthy target in the first place. She did _not _sign up for this.

She smacked him again.

"Owww!" Barney whimpered like an annoying man-boy, clutching himself. "Watch the suit, please. And what the hell is your problem?"

"You want to get married, huh? You just want to get married _so_ badly." Quinn waved her hands around in the air, vaguely realizing that she probably looked like a lunatic. Screw it, though, she didn't care. She was pissed and ready to let him have it. The jerk faced jerk deserved it. Any man who had the audacity, the freaking nerve to make Quinn Garvey look like a chump? Oh, they would have it all right. Barney Stinson had no _idea _what was coming to him. All she needed was the trigger; just the tiniest move from him and he would be a dead man.

Barney squinted his eyes in confusion, "Uh, yeah. That's why I _pro-pos-ed _to you. It happened literally five hours ago. Do you have a crazy-bitch-concussion or something?"

That did it.

"Oh, I'M the CRAZY BITCH? At least I don't_ loooooove_ marriage like you _looooove_ marriage. Marriage is your_ looooverrrr_. Well, why don't you just MARRY MARRIAGE THEN, HUH? You stupid ass!"

Grabbing her bag, she started smacking Barney over and over again as hard as she could, ignoring his yelps and pleas for the sake of his cashmere. She was surprised to feel tears well up in her eyelids, but she was just so mad that she couldn't stop hitting him until finally, he grabbed her arms and stared into her eyes with the most bewildered and innocent look Quinn had ever seen on the man.

It took all her inner strength not to spit in his face.

"Quinn," Barney said lowly. "What's wrong?"

Readying herself, she took a deep breath and decided to level with him. She was a firm believer in all parties of a debate or battle or war being on the same page, so she at least had to offer him that. But once her side was clear, all bets were officially off.

"You want to get married." She stated, keeping her tone as even and professional as possible. "But none of it is about marrying _me_."

Barney cautiously let go of her arms, clearly concerned she'd start attacking him again. She raised and waved her hands in a sarcastic cease fire before crossing them tightly around her torso again, still staring daggers at his head, wishing it would explode. Ignoring this response, Barney angled himself toward her and gently touched her hair.

"Of course I want to marry you. We're awesome together. Even Lily and Marshall think so and trust me—they are pure relationship-ruining evil most of the time." Barney gave a little rueful laugh as he rubbed his hand down her shoulder.

"What does Robin think?" Quinn asked, pursing her lips and pointedly tilting her head.

Barney's hand dropped like cold lead.

"I-I'm sure she feels the same way." His face was paler and voice cracked over the last syllable before slipping back into his usual debonair manner, "I mean, the girl does have an eye for awesome."

Quinn smiled and laughed, her head tilting further down to her should as manically as she could get away with._ Oh, the webs we do weave, ladies and gentleman._

"Yeah, you know, she clearly does." She giggled and squeezed Barney's hand. "At least, it seemed so during the conversation you two were just having back at Lily and Marshall's." Her eyes widened and her fingernails were digging themselves into his skin menacingly, "Running away to Canada together is certainly an _awesome_ idea. I mean, the two of you could just go be awesome together, right?_"_

Barney blinked rapidly. "We were just joking. It's an inside joke."

"So let me see: The recurring joke you share with your ex-girlfriend is about how you're still in love with each other and want to be together?" Quinn clapped her hands together in mock joy. "Oh, you're right! I'm just peachy keen okay with that!"

"It's not like that!" Barney's voice practically hit falsetto notes and a slight sheen of sweat appeared on his brow, his emotive eyebrows now trembling just slightly in a delicious cocktail of panic and fear, "It's not – we're definitely not – there's no love. Love go bye-bye."

"Love go bye-bye?" Quinn arched an eyebrow incredulously, "That's your official explanation?"

"Is it hot in here?" Now his voice was nearing the level of dog whistles as he stared up at the roof of the taxi and swallowed air like a drowning man, touching the back of his hand to his forehead, neck and cheeks stiltedly and confusedly. "I think it's hot in here. Good sir! Good sir!" Barney pounded on the partition, "Please turn on the air conditioning! Also step on it, wouldja!"

"Come off it, Barney. If you really wanted to marry me, you would have been by my side while I told Marshall and Lily our engagement story." Quinn started, beginning to tick off her points on her fingers. She had a damn lot of them and she would not be interrupted. Screw Barney and Robin. The two of them deserved each other after all the crap she had seen.

"There was poop in there!" Barney firmly interjected. "Poop."

Quinn didn't miss a beat, "But instead, you chose to stay and flirt with Robin, practically begging her to convince you not to marry me. You think I'm dumb, Barney? I know I'm not a brilliant international journalist, but come on."

"That's not fair. We were just talking. I'll admit, she's my most significant ex-girlfriend, but I really didn't expect anything along those lines. Honest." Barney responded seriously, his eyes latched onto hers with a fiery determination as he tried to take Quinn's hand in his quivering palms. She sneered at the contact.

She was _done_.

"Yes, but that's only because you know she doesn't love you and never will. Because how could someone like Robin Scherbatsky love a sleazebag like you?"

She relished Barney slowly melting back away from her, she adored the bobbing of his Adam's apple, and languished in joy when he averted his eyes to his now obviously shaking and trembling hands. Targeting his weaknesses was surprisingly easy.

"I mean, look at yourself. You talk big game and what do you have to show for it? A dependency on _Ted Mosby_of all people and a laser tag addiction." Quinn felt power rushing through her veins, venom spitting from her mouth, "You're pathetic. You're so lucky I gave you another chance, so you should know by now that there's no way Little Miss Reporter ever would."

"Stop it," Barney whispered. His eyes were rimmed red and the muscles in his jaws twitched angrily. She felt a strange surge in her stomach when she realized he was trying to blink away oncoming tears. She decided to take pity on him, despite his totally not deserving it. Atlantic City had been one thing, but this was a _whole _other enchilada. But still, she considered as she took in his sniffing nose and averted eyes and inherent (if generally hidden) gentility, there was no reason to completely burn bridges.

"Calm down. I'm still willing to marry you, I think. You're a funny enough guy, the sex is good, and I love the apartment."

"The apartment?" Barney was still whispering, his eyes searching the cab aimlessly. Quinn rolled her eyes. Of course he would latch onto the one part that made her sound like a monster. She swore to God, there were times when it felt like he was searching for reasons to incriminate her.

"Speaking of, we're here." Quinn said, moving swiftly past his accusatory tone and motioning to the cab driver to pull over. But as she tried stepping out of the car, Barney firmly tugged on her arm and pulled her back beside him, his features lined in dread and steel.

"Quinn." His voice was soft and he still refused to look at her, "That was – I mean – what was _that_?"

She just stared at him. She honestly didn't know. It had been building since she met him, since all of her suspicions about him were not only confirmed but augmented. For as long as she knew him, he acted like a typical banker douche, only with some strange vulnerabilities and quirks that made him even more nauseating than when he was just the strip club's "Legendary Dude." She had every reason to hate everything about Barney. He was exactly the kind of guy who made her life a living hell most of the time, with the unwanted gropings and lousy tips and that general sense of entitlement made her clients act like she was a glorified sex toy rather than a human. Quinn knew she wasn't a saint, but she at least tried to take the worst of them down through some form of vigilante justice and nothing felt better. That was what she tried to do with Barney, but it just became so complicated and entwined. At the core of it all, though, she never really forgot who he was and that was a _jackass_.

But he had positive qualities too and she wasn't expecting that. There were times when she felt like maybe she actually didwant to be with Barney and wouldn't care if he was fired the next day, losing his rather vast fortune. Sometimes after sex, she even enjoyed the feel of his arms around her or making jokes with him over coffee. And it really helped that they were planning luxurious vacations together and that he knew exactly how to spoil her. It made her wanted and safe. Hence, it genuinely bothered her that he still had feelings for Robin. In the end, she had expected that even less. But he really was handsome and charming and, of course, he was rich. With all of that in mind, it sort of made sense to feel possessive over him, even if he grated her last nerve most of the time and not in a sexy way.

So Quinn simply shrugged in response, as it was the only sincere action she could land upon.

Barney whistled out a deep breath and closed his eyes: "Just…answer me one thing, okay? And please, answer honestly because now I'm – just… Are _you _marrying _me _because you love me?"

His hurt, hopeful eyes finally met hers. She had to admit they held a lot of promise. She always knew he would give her everything, so long as she declared everlasting devotion and now was her chance. And she certainly had affection for the man, albeit in an non-traditional sort of way. But love? Shit. She wasn't even sure she knew what that was. But it certainly wasn't what she felt for him and it _certainly _wasn't what he felt for her. This was the first time it even seemed to matter to him, though, and that was annoying.

Naturally, she considered lying. "_I love you with all my heart, Barney Stinson._" It would be especially apropos, considering how much he had clearly lied to her – the man was hopelessly in love with another woman and Quinn was clearly some sort of rebound. And it was symbiotic, which was the important part. The apartment, the lifestyle, the sex… she could certainly live in Barney Stinson's devotion, even if he actually wanted to shower it on someone else, given the chance.

But ultimately, that wasn't her M.O.

Even The Stripper Girlfriend had a conscience. And, like, dignity.

See, Quinn had no ethical qualms with deceiving men who knew they were being deceived. Most men at the strip club wanted to feel hot and desired by a woman who they knew very well would call a bouncer over if they went too far. It was all part of the game. But Barney was a different beast. He was willfully ignorant. He didn't want to know, even when he had to. And this time, he had to.

(Plus, she was smokin' hot – she deserved a sugar daddy who didn't want to play house and sleep with his ex-girlfriend.)

"Barney, this relationship is nice and it's hot and it's convenient. But I don't really know you. I certainly don't know if I'll ever love you, especially since you're actually in love with Robin." Barney flinched at that, but at least didn't try to refute her. "But I think we'll work well together. We'll both get what we want."

"You want my money." Barney responded matter-of-factly, his eyes darkening and the trembling in his hands increasing.

"And your body?" She half-joked. Barney didn't laugh.

Sighing, she tugged at him, suddenly regretting bringing the topic up at all. What was it people said about gift horses and mouths? Because obviously she shouldn't have done that. They really would work well together. And Hawaii was still waiting.

"Look, do you want to start planning a wedding or what? It could be fun. That's what matters, right?"

Barney looked ahead at the running meter and the annoyed driver. The torment on his face smoothed out and he turned back to her with blank eyes, suddenly and deceptively calm and self-assured.

"I'm going to have this good fellow take me to a bar for the next hour. When I get back, I expect you and your mugs will be gone." A beat. "Please."

Quinn heaved a knowing sigh and nodded, "I can pay you back for the renovation."

Barney waved her off and laughed humorlessly. "Consider it a retroactive engagement present."

Closing the door, Quinn stepped around the cab and onto the curb, ignoring the pricking feeling behind her eyes and the heaviness in her heart. It was all for the best. It's not like Barney was her last chance or anything. And as she turned around to take a last look at her once-fiancé, she watched the car begin to drive away and couldn't help but see Barney finally break down and clutch his face in his hands, his back heaving with labored sobs. A pang of pity hit her heart and for a brief second, she wished she had lied just to keep him happy.

But she wouldn't have made him happy. And he wasn't crying for her. Not really. He never would.

Overwhelmed by the last few hours that felt like both centuries and seconds, Quinn ran her fingers through her hair and turned into Barney Stinson's lobby for the very last time.


	2. Chapter One

**Author's Note:** This chapter is a wee bit exposition heavy. The plot stuff comes soon, promise! :)

...

_**Chapter One – September 2, 2012 through September 3, 2012**_

_With all your lies_  
_You're still very lovabable._

...

"Another fall off to an amazing start!" Ted pulled the chair over to the MacLaren's booth with a fanciful flourish and plopped down with a jovial grin. Barney cocked a fastidious eyebrow and rolled his eyes. Ted's strange chipperness was both unexpected and unwelcome. He didn't have the energy to deal with it. So he simply turned back to his phone and continued texting Samantha as though Ted hadn't spoken. Or was it Sandy? It didn't really matter. Big tits, small brain. Yadda yadda.

But Ted didn't get the hint.

"You know, I was really thinking that after everything that went down with Victoria and the whole getting mauled by German bridesmaids thing that I'd still be a sad sack loser, but no! Today was the best day in the classroom ever!"

Barney sipped his scotch without moving his eyes from his smart phone and flatly responded, "Oh please, Professor Ted, tell me more. Did you discuss the early designs of Jean d'_Bore_-ais? Or perhaps you began with Frank Yawn Wright."

Ted gave Barney a half-hearted glare and stuck his chin out. "You will not get to me today, Mr. Snarky Pants. Nope, this is going to be Ted's Year!" He paused with a dreamy grin and raised his finger thoughtfully, "Though, interesting thing about Jean d'Orbais. Sure, _everyone_ knows him for his work on Notre Dame de Reims, but-"

Barney sighed and finally looked up, firmly cutting him off, "Ted. Every year since I've known you has been declared Ted's Year. By _you_. How exactly has that worked out for you? Besides, it's September. Get your head out of your ass."

Before Barney could blow him off again and resume playing on his smart phone, Ted snatched it out of his hands and ignored Barney's childish cries of protest.

"Hey, it's worked out just fine! Yes, I've had a few minor detours, mostly romantic. But I'm still the youngest major architect in the city and I have a thriving position at Columbia." Ted bounced his feet excitedly, "And since you didn't ask, the reason my day was so great is that they're considering me for early tenure." He gave a little bow and made a strange, girlish squealing sound in all his excitement.

"That _is_ great, Ted." Barney smiled a tad too brightly and swirled his scotch with barely contained disdain, "Now you'll have a chance to _permanently _put 18-year-old college chicks into comas with your godawful lectures! Congratulations." Then with a dismissive sneer, Barney downed the rest of his drink and tried to paw at his missing phone.

Ted moved the phone to the other side of the booth, his annoyance clearly increasing and Barney's "I-don't-give-a-shit" index rising along with it. _Screw it._ He'd had the worst summer of his life and his friends had been annoying little gnats, flittering about around him and speaking of inconsequential things. He had every right to ignore Ted's latest futile proclamations of getting his life together because what was the use? It's not like anything was going to change. Things _never _changed.

"Come on, Barney, this is legitimately a big deal. Columbia never offers early tenure unless you're really special." Ted acknowledged Wendy and his fresh beer with a nod, "Look, I know you decided to take five giant steps backwards and dump Quinn and the whole idea of settling down, but that doesn't mean you can't be, you know, _nice_."

"I'm nice. I'm always nice. I was _real_ nice to this Israeli-Greek chick last night. She had the face of Natalie Portman and the stamina of a Minotaur, rawr." Barney bit at and motor-boated the air with aggressive flair. It was true. He was still _awesome_ in every way that mattered.

Ted gave Barney a stern look and Barney smirked right back at him, until noticing that a third presence had joined the table.

"Wow, I always seem to have the best lecherous Barney timing, don't I?"

_Of course._

Looking up, Ted smiled and waved at Robin, who stopped by the table with a laugh, brushing some fallen leaves off her trench coat. Ted ushered her into the booth, while Barney quickly glanced up at her and barely nodded. He mostly used her appearance to grab his cell phone back, much to Ted's obvious chagrin. If he didn't have the energy to deal with Ted, then there was absolutely no accounting for his dealings with _Robin_. Zoning his thoughts out, he simply went back to his emoticon heavy conversation.

At Barney's now typical antics, Robin smirked like everything was normal (_because it was_) and took a sip of her white wine. "So what else are you girls gossiping about?"

"Ted's going to be roofie-ing his students with knowledge forever and ever now." Barney quipped as he furiously texted someone on his phone. Robin tried to stop herself from wondering what her name was (_because it didn't matter_) and instead turned to Ted with a questioning look. Her friend looked excited and happy, and she hoped that he actually received good news for once. Of all of them, he probably deserved it the most.

"I'm up for tenure," Ted explained off Robin's confused look. Her face broke into a wide grin and she slapped her hand on the table with incredulity and pride. (And she ignored Barney's scowl. Whatever, he could be miserable all he wanted.)

"Wait, like, _tenure_-tenure? How is that even possible? You're still a baby professor!" Robin smiled widely and ruffled Ted's hair, "Man, you're growing up so fast."

"Oh, stop it." Ted waved her off, but smiled brightly right back at her.

"Seriously, though, Ted, that's so great. I'm really proud of you." Robin squeezed Ted's arm and tilted her head. The two of them had come a long way over the past few months and it felt good (_really_ good) that she had one of her best friends back. All hope seemed lost for a little while there, but they dragged themselves out of the mud and put the pieces back together. Finally, all the relationship nonsense was behind them and they were friends. Real friends. And no one could say otherwise.

"Ugh, get a room." Barney dramatically set his phone down and rolled his eyes.

(Well, okay. Apparently not _everyone _got that.)

Robin's smile faded and she sat back against the booth, awkwardly crossing her arms. Ted gaped his mouth open and closed it again, before clenching his jaw and setting his teeth together.

"You know what, Barney?" Ted started, clearing his throat and stood up angrily. "You really need to cut this shit out." With that, he chugged his beer and stormed over to the bar...

...Leaving Robin in the entirely unenviable position of being alone with Barney.

_Shit._

Staring at him and the dark circles under his eyes and the growing look of hopelessness crossing Barney's still undeniably handsome face, Robin could feel her patience running thin. Yes, he went through yet another break up. Yes, it definitely took a greater toll on him than anyone else could see. But since then, he had been sarcastic and nearly cruel to everyone. And furthermore, it seemed like he was taking a personally vested interest in cutting _her _down, despite her most genuine efforts to reach out to him – always bringing up Ted's still fairly recent declaration of love, any on air gaffes, outfits that didn't quite work on her…but with an edge that was never there before.

Plus the _constant_ talk of womanizing; it was like he was completely unaware that she had been basically begging him not to go through with the marriage to Quinn. That they could have another shot, even though she blew it so badly before. She thought he still understood their language, but maybe not so much anymore.

_Or maybe he just never cared as much as you convinced yourself he did_, Robin couldn't help think.

It would make sense. Though she hated to admit it now, Robin had been so happy and so relieved when she heard that Barney had called off his engagement. She thought it was only a matter of time before Barney rushed back to her side and they could finally, truly, really start over. But he never came.

And why would he? Sure, there was a time he maybe believed he loved Robin. But the hard truth was that she was never all that important to him. Yes, they had once been the closest of friends, maybe even _best_ friends. No one could deny that. But romantically? Ha. She was merely a stepping stone towards his ability to open up his heart to real relationships. That's why it didn't work out last November – he didn't think he was actually worthy of Nora, so he slid back to his mess of an ex-girlfriend. For Barney, she was the safe option; she was what Ted used to be for her.

Pushing _that_ particularly painful idea down, Robin turned her eyes back to the man in question. Though she should be used to it by now, she was still startled by his appearance; he stared off into space, the lines on his face deep and broken, his shoulders hunched over, his demeanor defeated. Despite herself, her heart broke for him, and secretly and silently for _her_, as she realized once again that he must have really, really loved Quinn.

"Someone get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?" She asked, trying to sound light hearted, proud that her voice was only slightly wavering.

"Actually, I found myself in a more precarious position," Barney smiled lewdly but without any of his usual mirth, "See, there was some rope and a chandelier—"

"I got it." Robin replied tersely, taking a large gulp of her wine. A painful and unfamiliar silence passed over the table, as the two stared deeply into their respective drinks.

"Barney, are you okay?" Robin finally snapped. And as she did, she realized it was the first time she had actually aired her concerns beyond implied hovering and comfort. Maybe it was about time.

Barney answered predictably: "I'm awesome."

"I know you're awesome, you're always awesome." Robin couldn't help the sarcasm from seeping into her tone, "I meant... other than that. You haven't been yourself lately and—"

"And what?" Barney cocked his head and mockingly put his hand to his heart, "You're worried about me?"

"We all are." Robin stated with an impatient tick of her eyebrow. "I just want you to know that we're all here for you. I-I'm here for you. If you want to talk about Quinn or whatever… I can help you get back on track." She swallowed. "You know, relationship-wise."

A brief flash of the Barney she knew passed over his face as he smiled sadly, "Robin, there is only one thing I can guarantee you right now. And it's that the last possible thing on earth I want to do is discuss _relationships _with you."

Robin's chest pounded at his words and his painfully gentle eyes.

"Why not? We used to talk about this stuff all the time," she managed to choke out. Her hands reached slowly across the table, wanting to grab onto his and hold onto them as tight as she could. She wanted to let him know that she was really here and everything was going to be okay. Everything had to be okay. That they'd get through this and nothing was different between them.

But he swiftly moved his hands from the booth and suddenly looked up at her, pinning her with his piercing gaze. _You know why not_, it said.

"I mean, we're friends, right? Maybe I'd even help." Robin's chest tightened and released in quick succession and Barney was still staring at her in that way, in that way she knew so well and always unsettled her and God, she needed a stronger drink and God, it had to stop right now.

"Well, you're hardly a relationship expert." He was quiet and clearly calculating each word for maximum impact. "Hell, your last was with your _therapist_. So, yeah, I think I'll pass."

Robin was frozen as the earth spun wildly under her feet.

_Well played, Barndoor._

"Right. No, you're right." She put her hand to her forehead. Did she have a fever? She felt like she maybe had a fever. She looked up at Barney, trying to catch his eyes and find the apology or joke hidden in their depths. But he was simply entranced, heavily focused, and obsessed by his texting. She was unimportant.

Feeling her chest tighten for an entirely different reason, Robin stood up on wobbly legs. "So. I'm just… I'm gonna go."

As she rushed out of the bar, trying to keep her dignity semi-intact, Robin took alternating deep and shallow breaths to try to calm herself down. She hated him. She hated him. _She hated him._

However, right as she was about to curse Barney's name aloud for the millionth or trillionth time since she met him, right as the tears forming behind her eyeballs threatened to unleash themselves, her phone's text messaging alert vibrated in her bag:

(( _Sorry. That was too far_ ))

And another immediately followed:

(( _Been a dick lately. Shitty summer. Bros? I really am sorry_ ))

This time Robin laughed genuinely. She had to hand it to him; he always managed to draw her back in even after saying and doing the dumbest things. Round and round they went in this carousel of hurting each other and making up. It was frustrating and so tiring, but who was she to put a stop to it? It was the nature of their relationship (their _friendship_, she reminded herself) and always had been.

She typed:

(( _Of course. Cigars soon pls. Xx_ ))

They were bros. Of course they were. And she had pushed him too far. So he pushed right back. But even though Barney could act like an asshole until the geese flew up for summer, she always knew that he wasn't actually an asshole. He cared about her, just as she cared about Lily or Marshall or Ted.

That was perfectly fine.

Brushing the disobedient stray tear off her cheek, Robin shuddered out a resolved breath. She would be fine. She and Barney were friends. And as she put her phone back in her bag, a bus with her smiling face plastered on its side passed by. In the photo, she had never looked happier. The bus itself, however, managed to cover real life Robin's feet and legs in a small but substantial layer of mud.

At the very least, she had to appreciate the irony.

…

Barney quietly closed the door behind him as he walked into his empty apartment.

It was sleek again. All chromes and navy blues, with his Stormtrooper standing at guard in the same corner as always. His couch was brown leather again and his counter top cold, hard granite. It had cost him upwards of $15,000 to repair all the damage left in the wake of Quinn and the renovations still weren't entirely complete. The bathroom was still painted a bright bruise purple with shiny gold trim. So that would set him back about 5k or so. Not to mention he had never gotten the ring back. Figured.

Petty change, really.

Sitting down on his couch and splaying out, he tried not to think about how all the money in the world barely covered any of the _real_ damage. Of course, he had done the right thing. He released Quinn. They didn't love each other. Not the way married people should love each other. Not the way Lily and Marshall loved each other or how Jerry loved his wife. And certainly not the way Barney loved-

_Shit. Stop it, Stinson._

No, the problem was that Quinn was his last chance. Everything she said was right; they were hot together, they got along, they could have worked long term. At least, insofar as she would have offered him great sex and he could have offered her security. But the cracks were showing, especially his largest… crack. And it wasn't fair to her to simply be his life jacket. Yeah, she was using him. But he used her right back. She was his distraction. He knew darn well that she would never compare (_because nothing and no one ever would_) but he still proposed and he still clung desperately to her. He messed it up. No one but himself to blame. He got what he deserved. It was karma (_Heh. Karma. Clever_.) for all the crap he had pulled over the years and for his dumb obsession with things that would never be.

Rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms, Barney loosened his tie and pulled out his phone. He needed to get in touch with his Mariachi Band Guy to send Ted another 'Sorry About That, Bro' performance. He pretended to complain about the near weekly occurrences, but Barney knew it was just a front for unending delight. And plus, he really had been a huge jerk lately. It wasn't his friends' fault. He had to remind himself of that pretty often.

But despite intending to scroll through his contacts to find Jose's number, Barney somehow ended up in his message inbox. He stared at the last text from Robin for what was probably the zillionth time in the last hour.

God, Quinn was so right, he really was pathetic.

Of course they were still friends, it said. Let's smoke cigars and sit in fine leather chairs and shoot the shit, it said.

_I still have no romantic interest in you, Barney, so snap out of it. _

That's what it really said.

His hands trembling slightly, he put the phone down so he would resist throwing it across the room. Why couldn't he just be happy with what he had? Robin was his best friend in the world. Well, she could be. If he would stop being such an ass and let things run their course back to normal. That alone made him extremely lucky. And she _still_ wanted to be friends with him despite all the dick moves he had been pulling lately. That made her a High Bro of the Highest Bro Order. Chuckling morosely, he remembered when he called her pretending to be her father a little over a year ago. That had been a _serious_ dick move. And yet he had been rewarded with an almost kiss in the rain.

Maybe he was trying to recreate that. He actually laughed out loud. No, he was definitely trying to recreate that.

_Moron. Jackass. IDIOT._

When would he learn? Robin was a lost cause, a closed door. God, he was becoming exactly like Ted. At least in the past, Barney had been able to let go of her gracefully… eating a fistful of wasabi aside. Though, really, he pulled that off totally _awesomely_ anyway so actually, yeah, _including _that. Grace abounded in Barney's squashed romantic interactions with Robin.

But now, in his desperation and his sinking suspicion that he was somehow doomed, he was trying to both entice and push away Robin at the same time. And who does that except a selfish ass? Ted never even stooped that low. So he wasn't exactly like Ted – he was worse than Ted.

And that, children, was a shudder inducing realization.

Really, his only option _was_ to snap out of it. So he was destined to be a womanizer for all eternity. Okay. Awesome. So what? He'd make it work, as his good friend Tim would say. Robin would always be part of his life, just like Ted and Lily and Marshall and Little Marv would be too. One couldn't complain about that. He'd teach Marv how to live and Ted would scold him and Lily and Marshall would do lame but kinda sweet married stuff and Robin would be his forever wing-woman.

And that's fine. It was the 'forever' part that mattered, no matter the form.

With new resolution, Barney got up and went to his suit closet. Daddy was coming home again, and with a vengeance.

For good.

…

The next day, after work and a somewhat below average shoot, Robin shouldn't have been surprised when she stumbled upon the same Central Park bench she found months before. In times of distress and, particularly Barney-driven-distress, Robin almost always gravitated to the same habits and haunts. In fact, she had been on this very bench when she got the text from Lily announcing that Barney's engagement to Quinn actually ended significantly sooner than Robin's own "engagement." (She also might have had an entire carton of Marlboro's with her that day, but that was another topic.)

In December, the bench had been icy and cold and covered in snow. In May, rain poured down on her and she could barely get her cigarette(s) to light. But now, in gorgeous early September, the air was gentle and golden – moving swiftly from late summer to early autumn in a cool, crisp, familiar way. It felt like a beach day in British Columbia.

Maybe that was a good thing.

As she watched young children play, young couples cuddle, and ducks swim, Robin breathed in the very last of the day's sunshine and resolved to start anew. November and December felt like eons ago, when she cheated on her then-boyfriend and thought she was going to have Barney's child. Since she found out that she actually could _never _have Barney's – or anyone's – but especially Barney's – children.

She was now a genuinely respected journalist, mishaps at Mo's Deli aside (she may or may not have reacted...poorly to the discontinuation of The Scherbatsky). She was genuinely famous for her work, rather than only her odds defying helicopter land. She was turning into a truly kick ass Aunt Robin to MJ. And her hair had also finally stopped doing that weird kinky thing.

She smirked. Relatedly, Robin had also been voted "TV Reporter Most Likely to Be a Dirty, Dirty Girl" by the illustrious publication _Maxim _in a series on different national media figures. That was certainly...interesting and more than a little flattering. Of course, normally, Robin would have just pretended to be disgusted and blown it off… but Barney – despite his weird post-break up stupor and his growing animosity towards the world – ridiculous, funny, thoughtful Barney still managed have the article professionally printed, mounted, and framed, then sent to Robin's apartment along with a little handwritten note that read:

**"NAILED IT. Also, they found some Brotastic pics of you, bro. Not from my personal collection, I promise. – B."**

She had traced her fingers over the sharp letters more times than she could count or would dare to admit. At the time, he hadn't spoken to her in days, despite a barrage of phone calls she sent his way. It had been good to get some sort of confirmation that he still cared. She briefly wondered if it had hurt him this badly when she freezed him out in November. She hoped not.

After that, Robin couldn't help but keep the frame by her bed and the note tucked away inside her nightstand. The whole thing was just so, so _Barney_. So dirty and funny, yet still so devastatingly sweet in its efforts and hidden sentiments. It was perfect.

She sighed with a surprisingly contented smile on her face.

_Shit. Stop it, Scherbatsky._

She refocused.

So she was a hottie (obviously), famous, finally a real journalist, and an awesome Aunt.

Oh! Also, she and Ted were friends again, back to their routine of ribbing each other about his tendency to get all pretentious and about her being a gun nut. He was like her brother again and, God, how she'd missed it. And on top of all of that even, she actually had a brief non-emergency-related conversation with her father. While it hadn't necessarily gone _well_, it also hadn't left her feeling like she was in a total pit of despair. That was a serious freaking accomplishment in her book.

Of course, in other ways, she was right back where she started. This time last year, she was pining mournfully for Barney and now she was doing the same thing, only with even more intensity and lacking the ability to lie to herself about it. Maybe it was maturity or maybe it was resignation. Either way, it sucked. And just like last time, she was attempting to ignore the obvious signs that Barney didn't – nor would he ever again – have feelings for her like she had for him.

She knew her fixation was unhealthy and that, whatever Barney was going through, he obviously didn't want her help or input. Sure, he still wanted her to be his Bro. But Bros don't comfort and elevate (Code Article Addendum #139.4...or something, she was sure). Bros bro'd out and didn't sweat the small stuff. Bros rarely went deep.

And Bros certainly didn't belong to each other the way she still felt Barney belonged to her.

With a sick feeling pooling in her stomach, she realized that she made the right call after last November when she stopped contacting him so much. He didn't care about her lack of contact because he did not want to be hers. All Barney wanted was their light hearted friendship back and absolutely nothing more.

Taking a drag on her cigarette (they seemed to materialize magically), she decided that while that knowledge hurt (immensely, deeply, abidingly), the best thing she could do was move on. Actually move on. With a guy who she genuinely liked and could possibly love, unlike the disaster that was her relationship with Kevin. There were plenty of fish in the sea and now that she was all sorts of famous, she net had widened considerably. Who needed Barney Stinson when the entire male species was practically open to you? And wasn't he the one who always urged her to chase after the strange? It was basically their thing.

Breathing deeply on her cigarette, she nearly choked when she heard a deep, masculine voice behind her.

"Robin Scherbatsky."

Robin shot her head up and threw her cigarette on the ground. Was it a cop? No, that voice was a decidedly _sexy_ voice. Was the Universe talking to her? Answering her? No way. Robin shielded her eyes as she looked up at the figure and her eyes widened with glee as she recognized him. It looked like the Universe was c_ertainly_ answering her … and _how_.

"Ugly Shirt Guy!" She practically squealed. _Robin, you must have done something right for once._

He laughed, "Not the most charming nickname."

She pretended to consider the notion, "Handsome Shirt Guy?"

He sat down beside her and outstretched his hand, "I'll take it. Though, actually, it's Steve."

"Steve." She took his hand in hers and slowly shook, a teasing smile crossing her lips in time. She smoothed a finger out to rest delicately on his pulse point, "Yeah, okay, I'll buy that."

"I've gotta admit, I've been hoping to run into you again." Steve gently let her hand go as he drank in her tall frame. "You know, I watch your show all the time. It's my absolute favorite newscast."

_God, he's just as hot as I remembered._

"You flatter me, good sir." Robin shimmed flirtatiously, "But yes, the show is _very _good."

"My favorite part, though," Steve said with a small smirk, "is that I've been pretty careful about checking to see if you have a ring. And –" He looked down at her hand, "—you don't. So can I assume that you never got married?"

"Married?" Robin's mouth pulled back confusedly, "Why would I have been married?"

"You were with that guy? With dark brown hair? Ned or something, I think? You got engaged at the club the last time I saw you." Steve was obviously and rightfully, under normal circumstances, confused that Robin seemed to have no idea what he was talking about.

"Oh, that. God, wow. I completely forgot about that." Robin sat back, laughing at the memory to Steve's shock. She brushed her hair back and shook her head emphatically, "No, no. Not married. I actually was never really engaged. But that's a very long story."

Taking her hand in his again, Steve gently pulled her towards him and Robin shivered involuntarily, "Well, if you have time for a drink, I'd be more than happy to hear all about it."

Robin looked at Steve and felt lighter than she had in months.

_Thank you, Universe._


	3. Chapter Two

...

_**Chapter 2 – September 30, 2012 through October 1, 2012**_

_Who will love you?  
Who will fight?  
Who will fall far behind?_

...

"Robin." Lily let out an exasperated breath from the opposite booth. "You know, you can hold him like he's a human being."

"What? He's fine!" Robin said as she kept the drooling little Marvin Jr. held out over the table at the bar approximately two feet from her person. "I think he likes it this way. He can see all the people."

"All the hot chicks, more like." Barney commented from next to Lily, looking around and scoping out the various bimbos scattered about MacLaren's. He shot a wink at a particularly busty blonde. "He's totally gonna get me laid again tonight."

Steve nodded in vigorous agreement: "Oh, man, yeah. Using babies to land women. Totally works. Prior to being spoken for, I used my little cousins all the time and no woman could resist." He took a long and triumphant sip of his hard cider, but then took a long look at Robin awkwardly holding the child out with trembling arms, "Except perhaps my current paramour."

"Uh, of course it works, Steve." Barney responded incredulously, gawking at the newcomer like he was an alien. "Is that supposed to be _revelatory_? Amateur."

"Barney," Lily warned in her low Mama Bear voice. "Be nice."

"Nah, he's right, it's one of the oldest tricks in the book." Steve responded with a friendly grin and then turned to Robin again, "Seriously, you need to elevate his head."

"HIS HEAD IS ELEVATED JUST FINE!"

Her presence now firmly announced to the whole vicinity, Papa Bear Marshall's eyes widened at the sight of his son and Robin's wobbly arms. He shot up from his conversation with Wendy and let out a variety of swear words under his breath. With panicked strides, he swooped MJ out of Robin's hands with a possessive and distinctly unmanly squeal.

"Lily," Marshall said out of the corner of his mouth while shooting small darting looks at Robin, "I thought we weren't going to let Obin-Ray hold Arvin-May anymore!"

"Sweetie, I know, but she asked! I never thought _she'd _ask! What was I supposed to do?" Lily pleaded.

Robin merely rolled her eyes and slumped back in the booth. "I'm right here, you know."

"Ha, HA!" Barney pointed at Robin with a wide mocking smile, "You can't even hold a_ baby_. It's so little, it's just a _baby_! Like a cat or a doll or a toolbox."

"Our son is not the same as a toolbox." Lily rotely and half-heartedly protested, since most of her efforts to explain childcare to Barney tended to fall on deaf ears.

"Oh, what_ever_. At least I don't parade him around to further my nefarious advantages." Robin rolled her shoulders back pridefully. "I would never _use_ him because he's my little nephew and I love him."

"If you loved him, you'd stop trying to break his neck." Marshall muttered only to receive a small smack on the arm from his wife.

Barney shrugged nonchalantly: "Little dude is a natural born player like his godfather."

"Actually, I'm his—" Ted tried to interject from the chair, briefly looking up from grading his midterms.

"And _as_ his godfather," Barney continued without pause, "I am vested with this young man's spiritual guidance. Therefore, it is my responsibility – nay, my _duty_ to teach him the The Bro Code and how to be an adequate wingman as early as possible. That way, the valiant qualities of Bro-ness and Awesometicity will be instilled instinctively in him and, let's face it, considering his other –" Barney gestured with his thumbs towards Marshall and Ted with dramatic annoyance, "–_influences_, the poor kid barely stands a chance. And awesomeness is a civic right, Scherbatsky."

"I'm awesome!" Marshall protested. "And maybe Marvin doesn't want to be a player or a _bro_. Maybe he'll realize that monogamy and environmental awareness are what is _actually_ awesome."

"And artistic integrity!" Lily cooed, standing to gently stroke her son's head and take the little boy in her arms.

"See?" Barney gestured to the couple while looking at Robin, his eyes shining. "He _needs_ this."

Robin laughed lightly and shook her head before looking down at her scotch, "You're such an idiot."

Her heart stopped. She hadn't meant to say that. Swallowing hard, Robin cautiously and casually glanced over at Barney. Chances are, he hadn't even noticed. Naturally, though, Barney instead tilted his head slightly and looked at Robin with perhaps-too-knowing, probing eyes. Robin's heart raced and her lips trembled as she tried to pull them into her usual dismissive smile. His eyes narrowed devilishly and he ran his fingers along the edge of his lower lip, making her chest tingle ever so slightly.

"A serious idiot." Lily broke through Barney's reverie and saved Robin's embarrassed butt. "Like it or not, Barney, this boy is going to be raised as a _feminist_."

Off Barney's shocked and appalled look, Lily postured her head, "Oh yeah, I said it!"

"All right, all right," Robin stood up, grabbing her now empty glass and shaking off her slip up. "I'm getting another round. Cider?" She pointed at Steve (and also pointedly ignored a scoffing 'Psh. Who drinks _cider_?' from Barney's side of the booth). Steve nodded and Barney smoothly asked for a Macallan 18, neat, the tiniest hint of challenge in his voice as he just barely smirked across the table at her new boyfriend. Robin rolled her eyes (he could be so ridiculous and possessive over Group Time) and looked expectantly at the frantically grading Ted.

"Sanity." Ted moaned out, "I just want sanity."

"So a Jack and Coke?" Robin patted Ted's slumped shoulders. "Coming right up."

But as Robin walked to the bar, her Spidey senses started to tingle. Her back tensing solid, Robin whipped around to look back at her friends.

"Oh, no." Robin whispered as she watched the scene unfold helplessly. "Oh, no, no, no, no."

She had gone almost a month without a slip up. But with her fun, bantering, slightly confusing interaction with Barney and the general camaraderie around the table, Robin had her let her guard down. She ran back to the table in a panic, but the world moved in slow motion as she watched her friends all lean in viciously towards Steve, like sharks to the chum. It was too late. By the time she reached the table, Marshall had already slid into her spot and was staring at Steve with too-wide, seemingly innocent eyes.

"So. Steve. Tell us about _you_."

Opposite her husband, Lily's eyes also lit up with manic interest: "We want to know _everything_, Steve."

"What do you do for a living? Where did you grow up? Have any hobbies?" Ted was no longer slumped over now.

"One of us. One of us. One of us." Barney pounded the table in a solid rhythm. Of course, in his characteristic clever and cheesy way, Barney also managed to sneak a glance over at Robin and offer her a teasing wink.

_Jackass_.

"Steve, you do not have to answer anything these jerks ask." Robin spat out, glaring at her friends in utmost disappointment. Ted, at the very least, managed to look slightly contrite. And MJ drooled out a spit bubble that Robin took as a sign of solidarity.

"Sure, if you don't want us to like you." Marshall shrugged and then leaned in closer. "But_ I _would want us to like you."

To his credit, Steve breezily chuckled: "Well, I'm surprised Robin hasn't filled you in herself."

"Please, this cagey bitch?" Lily thumbed over at Robin. "We're lucky she ever told us her last name."

Robin threw her hands up in frustration, "Still right here!"

"I'm a lawyer." Steve leaned back, shockingly relaxed as far as Robin was concerned. "Went to NYU Law. Mostly do boring corporate stuff, but I also work down at Legal Aid _pro bono_."

"What firm?" Marshall asked, cautiously leaning back to give Steve room to breathe.

"I'm actually with a bank at the moment, " Steve explained. "Morgan Chase. I do a lot of turn-around stuff, so I was brought in to help deal with the legalese of their little multibillion-dollar-loss kerfuffle."

"Heh!" Barney snorted with a snickering smile. "Yeah, that was _really _funny."

"Ugh. I am so sorry." Marshall patted Steve's back with sincere remorse, passing over Barney's inappropriate comment. "I wouldn't have touched that mess with a thousand foot pole."

"That's pretty much how I feel about it." Steve gave a wry grin, before looking at Robin with a far too affable grin. "Weren't you getting another round?"

"Not anymore." Robin said in clipped tones, her arms folded and her foot tapping against the sticky bar floor.

"So let's see, I grew up in Manhattan. I'm an only child. I love dogs, but I'm allergic." Steve looked up in the air, trying to figure out other relevant information to share, "Oh, and I'm part of an ice hockey league. Robin seems to like that."

Robin perked up, attraction bubbling in her chest. Ah, _yes_, Steve played hockey. And he could really, really _play_ hockey. As in two of his teeth weren't even his real teeth. Robin sighed wistfully and absentmindedly played with her hair. _That was the dream._

She leaned over the table despite herself and nudged Lily, "He has scars!"

"You play hockey? Regularly?" Barney screwed up his face in confusion at Steve's tentative nod. "Doesn't the jet lag get to you?"

"Jet lag?" Steve cocked his head in amused bewilderment.

"From flying across the ocean? To Canada?" Barney spoke like Steve was a little child, "Because last I checked, ice hockey was _illegal _in this here great country. Unless you're a criminal. Are you a criminal, Steven?"

Snapped back to reality, Robin shot up to her tensed position. Pinching the bridge of her nose, her eyes fluttered closed in frustration. She needed new friends. Like, yesterday.

Steve started to laugh but faltered at Barney's unwavering poker face. He glanced up at Robin and around the table.

"Wait, are...are you serious?"

"He's _never_ serious."  
"I'm _always_ serious."

Glaring at Barney's cheeky grin regarding their simultaneous response, Robin tried to beckon Steve towards her.

"Really, they're just going to get more invasive. Let's go."

Lily ignored her and fulfilled Robin's prophecy: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"I'm not sure. Probably in a similar place, maybe married."

"You want kids?"

Everyone sucked in a harsh breath at Marshall's would-be congenial question.

Blood rushed behind Robin's eyes and she stepped away mechanically, vaguely registering Marshall's sputtering back-pedaling and Lily's concerned hand on her arm. Her temple pulsed painfully and she bit the inside of her cheek to try to dull the pressure. She glanced around the table and saw that Steve was speaking. Oh, god. He was answering the question. Ted was glaring at the sheepish Marshall. Marshall was mouthing 'I'm sorry' to Robin. Lily continued to stroke Robin's arm.

Only Barney focused on Steve's response, his eyes dark, shielded and unreadable.

The world suddenly rushed back into focus and Robin almost stumbled, until she heard:

"...so, no, I guess kids aren't really 'part of the plan.'" Steve laughed nervously and stared up at the visibly shaken Robin. "Okay, I can tell you're upset and I know that kids are a big deal to most people, I really do. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away, it's just... one of those things? I hope this isn't, you know, a deal breaker."

Robin was certain one of her friends made some stupid joke, but she didn't hear it. Moving or floating or gliding over right next to Marshall, Robin looked down at Steve like she couldn't quite believe he was real. Was this what it was like to find The One? Somehow, she had expected it to be more joyous, more clear, less...fuzzy. But here he was. A funny, laid back hockey player who didn't want children. How could she not acquiesce to what the Universe was telling her?

Her traitorous peripheral vision brought Barney into sharp focus. He was grabbing his coat and leaving, his face guarded and his movements harried.

Robin blinked and looked back at Steve, his face scared and hopeful, mirroring her own. She knew that feeling, that despair that the person you love will throw your heart and hopes back in your face.

And eventually, Steve would be that person.

Leaning over Marshall, Robin pulled Steve to her by the shirt and kissed him on the mouth.

Hard.

…

Very early the next morning, Lily yawned and pulled herself out of bed, sparing a quick glare for her content and snoring husband. She had lost a recent bet ("Ted would never, ever wear an over sized polka dotted bow-tie to work") and ended up with the earliest morning Marvin shift. Marshall had played dirty - he unfairly enlisted Barney's help in convincing Ted that it was the hottest new 'hipster' look, using Ted's weakness for Brooklyn girls to their advantage and to Lily's downfall. After that, the 'stylish' professor had been mightily shocked when she had lunged at him and tore at his collar until she could stomp on the monstrosity. But until he had kids, Ted wouldn't understand. Love, war, parenting? Yup. All was freakin' fair.

Thankfully, Marshall had given into her insistence that while, yes, breastfeeding was very important for bonding, every now and then her poor nipples needed a damn break. After all, he fed Marvin pre-pumped milk, so why was it any different if Lily did? It was all perfectly logical.

Well, he _would _give in to her impeccable logic. Once she told him about it. She'd get to it eventually.

Rubbing her eyes, Lily opened the refrigerator door and grabbed at her hidden bottle of milk.

It wasn't there.

"Shiiiiiit." Lily whined, stomping her feet petulantly. Marshall must have found it. Great, now they were going to have to have a long, tedious discussion and Marshall would cry and Lily would show him her boobs as a distraction tactic and then he'd probably call his mom...

Lily was fairly sure her sleepless body couldn't take the pressure.

Walking over to Marvin's bedroom, Lily muttered to herself as she began to tug at her night shirt.

"Fine little dude, you get the boobie tonight. Even though I don't want to give you the boobie right this second, it's apparently going to be all boobie, all the time."

"Appealing as that sounds," a deep voice resonated from beside the crib, "I'm not really interested in seeing 'em again until you lose _all_the baby weight."

Lily inhaled a sharp breath and quickly jumped back, holding her hand to her chest. Then, rolling her eyes, Lily sighed loudly and flipped the light switch on.

"Dammit, Barney, we've talked about this!" She scolded as he quickly shielded his eyes from the oncoming light and tucked his bottle feeding nephew closer to him, "You cannot just break into our home and come into see Marvin whenever you want! It's creepy!"

"Relax," Barney handed Marvin and his bottle off to the little guy's impatient mommy. "Marshall said I could pass out on your couch if I struck out with the busty co-ed at the bar down the street. Then Marv's crying woke me up, so I figured I'd just take care of it."

"How did you know where the milk was?" Lily asked, trying to wrap her head around way too much information at 4:30 AM. "And 'it' is a 'him.' You're as bad as Robin sometimes."

"A magician never reveals his secrets, Lily." Barney responded with that shit-eating-grin that always made Lily want to punch him. How women - and even intelligent women - found that attractive? She would never, ever understand. But she was up now, and perhaps a little glad for the unexpected company, as loathe as she was to admit it.

Plus, it was still Barney. Her soft spot for the guy grew by the day.

So that was probably why Lily decided on a genuine "So how ya doing, Barney?" as a conversation starter, rather than simply kicking the interloper out of her son's bedroom. Her kindergarten teacher mode came on strong as she sat down in the rocking chair.

"Feeling better about everything?"

Barney shrugged unconvincingly and sat down on Marvin's toy box, suddenly interested in the chipping paint. (She made a mental note to ask Ted to put a fresh coat on it later.)

"Can't complain." He finally responded, tugging at a small string that came out of his suit jacket. He must have been in serious deep thought if he wasn't screaming and bolting to his tailor upon its discovery.

"You seem better." Lily stated, ducking her head to try to make eye contact. Barney looked older this early in the morning; she could see every line on his 37-year-old face. He still had dark circles under his eyes, though he was certainly smiling more lately and acting with his normal exuberance down at the bar. Maybe he really was doing well. But when her eyes finally did meet his, her heart sunk.

She couldn't have been more wrong.

"It is better. Most of the time." Barney cracked his knuckles and swallowed, "It's just... Look, if you don't want to talk about this, it's fine. I'm awesome." He smiled with no joy. "Really."

"No, Barney, no." Lily implored. "I'm interested. Truly. Tell me what's up."

"It's just that..." He paused for a moment, "With, you know, _Quinn_. I think back on our relationship and I'm not sure what's real anymore? I mean, I know what was real and I know the whole thing was real and, like, meaningful or whatever, but I think maybe it meant a lot more to me than it did to her. And obviously I've thought that for a long time, but it just seems more true...now. Or something. I don't know."

"Oh, sweetie." Lily tilted her head and wished she could give him a big hug. "You know, you can never really know that. It's impossible to _know _how someone else feels. But what matters is that you took something from the relationship and used it to grow."

"But screw that!" Barney yelped, running his hand through his short hair, suddenly manic. "I want to grow _with_ her. I have always wanted it, but like a stupid _idiot_, I didn't realize it until too late. But then, no, I thought she felt the same way but clearly, she didn't or-or-or _doesn't _because all the other guys know the right thing to say and they don't even try! They don't even have to try, Lily, and every time I try to talk to her, to help her see, what do I get? An eyeroll or a smirk and I'm sick of it. It's not fair!"

Lily made shushing noises at the fussing Marvin and stared at Barney in disbelief as he started pacing around the room.

"I was fine with not having Q-Quinn but seeing a guy who is actually right for her? Who might even deserve her? I can't... I don't know if I have it in me much longer." Barney clenched his fists, his knuckles turning white. "You know, I didn't say anything about the other guy, the unprofessional chump with a personality like stale bread, because I knew she'd get it right eventually."

"The other guy? Quinn had another guy?" Lily had clearly missed out on some things in the last few weeks of her pregnancy.

"But I just didn't think 'eventually' would come so quickly, you know?" Barney stood deathly still, sighing heavily. "Being around her is exhausting, Lily. I can't say what I want to say, I can't lash out anymore _because _I can't say what I want to say, and there aren't enough televisions in the world, so I have to constantly pretend that everything is awesome all the damn time and it's..." He closed his eyes. "It's exhausting."

Lily widened her eyes and watched as Barney collapsed on the toy box once again, burying his head in his hands.

He snorted.

"Wow. Ted really was right. Nothing good happens after 2 AM." Barney leaned back on his arms and looked at the ceiling, "Because here I am stupidly pouring my guts out to you or whatever, when I should be 10 inches deep in a hot bimbo. What up." He held his palm out in the shadow of an attempt at his normal self.

Trying to process the heavy load of information (the volume of which he hadn't unleashed on her since his Robin days), Lily firmly ignored his crude joke and outstretched hand. Instead, she compartmentalized each piece of information in her response.

"Barney, when are you seeing Quinn? You shouldn't be doing that. You ended things with her for a reason! And it sounds like she was cheating on you? What a bitch!" Lily felt indignation rise up in her chest, "And you know what? Screw her for parading a new guy around you! Even though you technically ended the relationship, that's still a really crappy thing to do. Quinn is bad news."

Barney suddenly laughed at that and nodded, even though 'amusement' was not the exact response Lily was looking for. But, she had to admit, it was good to see a real smile on his face and she liked that maybe her vicious take down of that bitch Quinn had something to do with it. So rather than pointing out his reaction discrepancy, Lily continued her demands.

"Promise me you'll stop seeing Quinn and promise me you'll stop wasting your time thinking about her." Lily pulled Marvin onto her shoulder and gently patted and rubbed his back. She hoped Barney could see that she had her Serious Face on and that her innate cuteness wouldn't distract him.

"Easily done." Barney said sincerely with that super annoying undercurrent of laughter vibrating on each syllable.

"I'm not in on the joke, Barney." Lily sighed, losing patience.

"No, I know." Barney laughed, clucking his tongue. "Don't worry about it. It's really not very funny."

Lily shook her head. Barney's walls were clearly building back up again, as though he had suddenly realized he revealed his hand too soon. But he opened up quite a bit and considering his state of mind for the past few months, she was glad he did. It was obvious he needed to talk to someone and maybe it wasn't about actually solving the issue. Not that Lily couldn't solve the issue because, hello, she was a diabolical genius. This time, though, Barney might have just needed a friend and she was glad to be able to provide that for him. The two of them had come a long way in almost eight years.

(The first three didn't really count. It wasn't until Robin came on the scene that Barney slowly started turning into someone she could enjoy on a regular basis. And if she wasn't so bone tired, she would lots of fun analyzing _that _little observation.)

So out of respect for their now full blossomed friendship, she decided to give him what he wanted.

An escape.

Lily pretended to tilt her head dangerously, as thought she suddenly remembered something.

"Sort of like your little joke about me still being too _fat _for you?"

Barney froze comically. She could plot out the next few minutes in her head like a sitcom.

"You know what," He shot up with precision, "I think I hear a cab outside ready to take me home. Good talk, Lil. Do it again soon? Okay? Okay. Buh-bye."

Barney scrambled out of the room, prat-fall-tripping over a blankie to the sound of Lily yelling, "Yeah, you better run!"

Lily settled into the chair and snuggled with her son. Barney would be fine. It was Barney. And as much as he felt like Quinn was the love of his life, she knew that even with his caddish nature, there's no way a manipulative, gold digging stripper bitch was actually it for him. Leaning back in the chair with a renewed calm, she gently closed her eyes. Resting with Marvin would be the perfect start to her morning.

…

Steve tossed his arm around Robin and stared incredulously down at her, as she longingly gazed up at him with a pleading, teasing look. They had just finished a delicious dinner in the West Village and life couldn't be more perfect.

"The one with the knee!" She nudged her whole body against Steve, "Tell the one about the knee again!"

"Robin, you're like a kid with a nighttime story!" Steve smiled as Robin pouted and fluttered her long eyelashes at him. "Okay, you vixen. Once upon a time, a brave young hotshot hockey player named Steve Lowell slid onto the ice-"

"Ooh! Ooh!" Robin bounced excitedly against his arm, "Can you be Steve McQueen this time? I'd be all ears to hear _his _knee injury story."

"Okay, now you're asking for it." At Robin's cheeky and exaggerated wink, Steve grabbed his shrieking and laughing girlfriend and spun her into the city night. Dizzy and free and full of a new found glow, Robin was weightless and could barely feel Steve's arms around her as she closed her eyes. This was good. This was right. This was... _nice._

Suddenly though, her feet clunked painfully onto the ground and her knees buckled under her tall frame. Realizing that Steve's arms were, in fact, _not _actually around her, Robin steadied herself, assessing the situation. She was confused to see Steve's back about a yard away from her and, as she came closer, even more confused to see those arms tightly and happily around a tiny blonde stranger.

"I can't believe you're here!" Though Steve had quickly pulled away, his eyes were still zeroed in exuberantly on the annoyingly attractive little slip of a thing. "I was literally just texting you."

"Oh, what a shock." The girl lightly smacked Steve's abs with a small, bubbly laugh, making Robin want to reach for her purse-gun. "But I can do you onefor!"

The girl held out her phone and proudly displayed her contacts. The name 'Steve L.' was highlighted.

"I was just about to call you!"

For some reason, this bit of information made Steve rock his head back and guffaw in a way Robin thought only Barney Stinson was capable of. It made her stomach coil like an iron snake.

"Dude! I guess no one can accuse us of not being Great Minds, huh?" Steve shook his head and smiled down at his younger sister (Robin had to assume for her sanity).

The little 'dude' laughed and nodded in enthusiastic agreement when her phone dinged, "Ahhh! Just got your text!"

"Damn straight! Read it soon. It's one of my killer topical observations."

"Fo' sho, playboy!" With another bubbly laugh from the blonde and more rollicking laughter from Steve (_ugh, inside jokes are the worst_), the two of them smacked their hands together in a cheerful high-five and bumped each of their opposite hips together in a quick, clearly practiced succession.

_Okay_, Robin purposefully strode forward and aggressively cleared her throat. _Enough of this crap._

"Uh, Steve?" She sharply tapped his shoulder blade and stared at him purposefully and expectantly.

Steve jerked his head back and, for a brief moment, blinked as though he had both forgotten that Robin was there and was extremely annoyed at her sudden reappearance. But she must have imagined that, because as quickly as it came, Steve's face broke out into another wide smile.

"Robin! Fantastic, my two favorite ladies." He held his hand out at his friend, "Robin, this is Christine. Chris, this is Robin."

"Hi. Wow. Robin Scherbatsky." Christine said with a small smile, a quick flash of awe and then awkwardness passing over her face. "Sorry, I know I can get a little crazy. Didn't mean to monopolize the end of your date!"

Before Robin could respond, Steve brushed her off, "Please, dude, you know you are totally, always welcome at any hour of the day."

"Wow, really?" Robin couldn't help say with a cold laugh. At their blank looks, Robin shook her head and smiled, "I mean, what? Um, I'm so thrilled to meet you!"

"You've never heard of me, have you?" Chris gave Steve an amused and exasperated look.

"I talk about you all the time!" Steve said, crossing his arms. "Robin, don't I talk about Chris all the time? You know, my friend from Canada?" Off Robin's blank and incredulous look, Steve sighed, "Chris! I was talking about her at dinner."

Suddenly, Robin remembered that Steve _did _constantly talk about his best friend - a "dude" named Chris from Ottawa.

Chris, the "dude", was Steve's main beer drinking and basketball watching friend. The one Steve could barely go an hour without sending some dirty joke to. The one who called at least once a day, who Steve always answered for no matter the circumstance, even if they were in the middle of a nice dinner or talking at the bar or...other things. No one made Steve laugh like his "buddy Chris," Robin remembered. In fact, Robin wasn't allowed to make plans with Steve on Sundays because that was "dude time."

And Robin had been perfectly fine with that arrangement. However, in her fairly vast knowledge, until this point Robin had never met a "dude" with such pretty eyes and shapely breasts. So maybe she had to re-evaluate her feelings on the matter.

(The snake in her stomach hissed and crawled up to her chest.)

"Right. Yup." Robin licked her lips self-consciously and jerked her head almost imperceptibly. "Now I remember."

"I was so excited that Steve started dating another Canadian." Chris said with a bright grin. "I wanted to meet you right away, but Mr. Selfish here had to keep you to himself."

"And you to himself." Robin's reporter smile was really coming in handy. "I mean, everyone knows I need another Canadian in my life like I need air! Or some Timmy Ho's."

"Mmmm! I've had the worst cravings lately, dontcha know?" Chris let a slip of a Canadian accent come out and Robin laughed mechanically, not quite sure what the joke was. Her eyes were just focused, focused, focused on Chris' slim waist.

_Calm down, Robin. Three of your best friends are men. This is totally fine._

However...

"I had no idea you were a woman." Robin blurted out, subtlety never having been her strong suit. Chris's pale eyebrows disappeared into her pixie cut.

"Seriously?" She looked at Steve. "Do you not use pronouns, jackass?"

"He calls you 'dude' a lot." Robin rambled on. "And-and-and girls, at least, as far as I've ever known, girls are generally not 'dudes.'"

"They aren't usually 'bros' either." Steve countered, a strange coldness to his voice. Again, though, she must have imagined it, because when she sent a startled glance his way, he was smiling and relaxed.

"Right." Robin admitted, bouncing nervously on her feet and smiling harder. "Well, touche! My fault! You know what happens what you assume: makes an ass out of you and me!" Her eyes widened and she shook her head at Chris, "Not-not that _you're_an ass-"

"Robin!" Chris gave a light chuckle, "Look, I get it. You were expecting some burly, beer drinking dude and you ended up with me. Let's just start over. I'm Chris, I'm Canadian, and - as you should well know - since I'm Ottawan born-and-raised, I pretty much am a burly, beer drinking dude at heart."

Robin had to smile at that. The capital city denizens _were_ notorious for their play hard, drink harder attitudes. But before Robin could respond in kind, Chris held her hands up.

"Look, I meant what I said before, I don't want to monopolize your time." She smiled at Steve. "Call me later? And sometime we'll all have to hang out together."

As Steve and Chris slapped their hands again and this time pretended to shoot finger guns at each other, accompanied by strange whizzing sounds, Robin felt her heart soften. Yes, their language and interactions were foreign and odd and clearly sacredly personal, but there was still something so familiar about it, so untouchably similar to something Robin knew dearly. Feeling the ghost of hot breath on her neck and the faintest hint of Clive Christian cologne and cigar smoke wafting around her, she couldn't help an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and wistfulness settling on her person.

"You should join at MacLaren's soon!" Robin heard herself call to Chris. Surprised, Chris smiled and nodded enthusiastically before walking away. Robin whistled to herself and looked up at Steve. He was still staring off after Chris, his eyebrows slightly wrinkled.

Against Robin's will, a burst of crinkled blue eyes and blonde hair and a freeze-frame high five flashed through her core.

She blinked the images away and found Steve staring dreamily down at her. It was as though he had never looked at his friend Chris in his entire life. She hoped her cheeks weren't too flushed.

"So." He said, taking her hand in his, "Shall I continue the knee story, perhaps back at my place?"

Robin grinned widely (_too widely_) and nodded.

This was good. This was right. This was nice.

This was fine.


	4. Chapter Three

...

_**Chapter Three - October 16, 2012 through October 21, 2012**_

_I hope he asks me out  
Takes me to my favorite spot  
It'll be just him and me  
(But don't forget the robot)_

...

Turned out, Canadian Chris was all sorts of fantastic.

A platinum blonde with a pixie cut and a tattoo on her wrist, she was a former ballerina with The National Ballet of Canada who now served as Head Choreographer for Brooklyn dance company; Chris had been in the States for about five years on an Artist's Visa. She was passionate, funny, and just as irreverent as Robin liked 'em. She could talk shoes and fashion and switch to fart jokes in less than two seconds flat. And she and Steve clearly just adored each other.

_Platonically_, Robin reminded herself as she stared at the girl sitting in Ted's usual seat (the professor was prepping for tenure committee and watching MJ for the evening). The dancer gestured happily with her graceful hands as she told Steve some story about a mutual Legal Aid friend and the two of them erupted into secret laughter, everything about their friendship in synch. But no matter – they were best friends and best friends only. Steve reassured her of that every time he noticed Robin shift uncomfortably. Or when he laughed a little too hard at one of Chris' jokes. And sometimes he'd reassure her with no provocation whatsoever.

Which was a good thing. He was proactive.

Right.

But really, Robin genuinely _liked _Chris. She was really great, very sweet – and very supportive of Robin and Steve's relationship. When Chris regaled the group with the story of a defeated Steve calling about 'that girl' back in 2011, everyone loved it so much that Ted even gave a toast to 'destiny!'

(And prompted Barney's tangent about his ongoing hatred of strippers and how it was all about Burlesque dancers now anyway and _obviously_ they're different things, Marshall.)

So she liked Chris a lot.

Really.

She did.

"Robin." Chris giggled, clearly drunk. To be fair, the new girl was on her fifth glass of prosecco, following a few rounds of vodka shots only Barney matched. "Can I admit something to you?"

"Please let it be a catalog of your lesbian fantasies." Barney looked to the heavens and prayed.

"No!" Chris screeched, toppling over in the chair slightly. Marshall and Lily exchanged amused glances with Steve, "No, no. The thing is _I am your biggest fan_. Like, seriously, your biggest fan."

"Close enough." Lily cracked with bright grin.

"Oh." Robin looked to her side modestly with her best smile. "Well, thank you, Chris. I'm really glad you enjoy the show."

To Robin's surprise, the little blonde took another big gulp of her sparkling wine and shook her head vigorously, making her shiny, dangling earrings whip back and forth.

"Not the show! From Canada!"

...Okay, maybe tonight she didn't like her so much.

Barney perked up and stared at Robin open mouthed, the biggest smile she had ever seen grace his features. Marshall brought a finger to his lips and paused, while Lily muffled her oncoming laughter into her hands.

"Wait, wait, wait." Marshall cleared his throat. "Chris. Darling, darling Chris. Would you mind expanding on what you mean by Robin's biggest fan 'from Canada?'"

"Inquiring minds desperately want to know." Barney rushed in, bouncing his feet and hands excitedly.

"You guys must already know!" Chris laughed, slapping her hand on the table. "Robin Sparkles? 'Make it Sparkle'? I still have the whole album on vinyl." She paused dramatically and looked at Robin seriously. "Your lyric work on 'Robot Love Song (Baby, I'll Sparkle For You)' changed my adolescence."

"I will pay you $10,000 for your copy." Barney barked out frantically as he scrambled to pull out his check book.

"I think you're mistaken, Chris." Robin said with a cool sip of scotch, refusing to acknowledge her boyfriend's questioning smile. "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

"Uh, yeah, Robin, honey?" Lily leaned forward and mock-whispered, "If you think we're going to cover for you, you are very mistaken."

"Dammit!"

"$50,000!"

"Only agree to it if you can slap him across the face!"

"Okay!" Steve threw his hands up. "Someone has got to tell me what's going on."

"Robin was my idol growing up." Chris put her hand to her heart and smiled at Steve. "She's obviously too modest to tell you, but she was Canada's greatest teen pop superstar."

Though Chris seemed fairly sincere and shockingly unironic in her sentiments, Robin was still horribly embarrassed -and unsurprised - by Steve's reaction: A long spit take of his cider, followed by coughing, choking, snorting laughter, particularly upon the revelation of her largest hit's title. Wishing she could shrink to the size of an ant, Robin simply buried her face in her hands, scooched down in the booth, and hoped it would be over soon.

But Chris just kept on _talking_.

"...and I remember being about thirteen or fourteen years old and forcing my whole family to take me to different areas of the country, just so I could see Robin Sparkles in concert again."

"You-you-you saw her perform?" Barney's eyes bugged out of his head and he practically stood up on the table. "You saw her PERFORM?"

"About five times." Chris tapped her chin with her pointer finger, thinking. "Maybe six?"

(Robin's eyebrows shot up. Well, that was surprisingly flattering.)

Letting Chris' revelation slowly wash over him, Barney brought his hands to his mouth like a chipmunk and made a series of high-pitched, entirely unintelligible sounds before clunking his head on the table, as though he was in information overload. Finally, he shot up and clutched at Chris's hand with desperation.

"Everything! You have to tell me everything right now. What were her dance moves? Was the robot always there? What about merchandise? Please tell me you have merchandise!" And as Chris giggled again and prepared to answer, Barney spared a quick glance at Robin's boyfriend, "Steve, your previously questionable purpose in life has just become abundantly clear. Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing us this... this _treasure_."

"Believe me, the pleasure is officially all mine." With a chortle, Steve put his arm tightly around Robin and squeezed her to him, whispering something about wanting a private performance later.

As the table laughed and listened to Chris' enthusiastic (and oddly touching) retellings of concerts and road trips and graphic tees with robots screen-printed on them, Steve gazed at his best friend with laughing eyes and tried to learn each lyric so he could join in by the time the group started a rousing (and increasingly drunken) performance of 'Let's Go to the Mall.' And as everyone said their goodbyes, it was all too clear that the group was abundantly won over by the spritely, lively Chris.

But for her part, as she gathered her things and watched Steve elaborately wish his friend a wonderful bonsoir, Robin couldn't help the sinking suspicion that the little imp was going to be much more trouble than she was worth.

...

The following Saturday night, the clink of a spoon on a champagne glass called the room to attention. Barney glanced up at the speaker from under heavy brows, his hand not moving from its resting place on a nameless brunette.

"Hello, friends!" Marshall began, taking a small dip of his person. "I know Ted himself wanted to make a toast. But considering what this night is all about, I thought I would do the honors. Besides, I'm sure no one has a whole five hours to spare."

The crowd tittered in appreciative laughter and Lily beamed up at her husband. Barney scanned the room and saw Ted good-naturedly nod his head at Marshall's quip. But Barney quietly snorted as his keen eye caught Ted surreptitiously slipping a stack of index cards away in one of his apartment's drawers. And apparently, Barney wasn't the only one who noticed Ted's embarrassed movements. In a flash, Robin sprinted over and pointed at the drawer, silently mock-laughing and clutching her hand to her chest. Her eyes twinkled as she leaned into Ted to whisper something - her black dress short and clingy and her legs just going for miles, meeting her bright smile and her long hair cascading in waves over her bare back and... she just looked so _achingly_ hot and perfect that Barney's heart did its usual little _ker-thump_ and all his blood rushed unwillingly to his head (and not the one you're thinking of, _hey-oh._)

He couldn't tear his eyes from her.

Well, at least until Steve came up behind Robin and snaked his arm around her waist with a lazy grin.

Barney coughed.

Looking back down at his current conquest, he murmured something pat and practiced against her neck before refocusing on the toasting Marshall.

"...So cheers, Ted. We're all so proud of you buddy, not only for being one of the youngest professors in Columbia's history to make tenure, but also for just being such an all-around awesome guy. As you would say: Salut!" Marshall raised his glass and the room followed in kind, some laughter infused at the reference to Ted's more pretentious idiosyncrasies.

"Salut." Barney's toast was a bit removed from the crowd's and he winked down at Kelly or Katie or something. After exchanging phone numbers (his booty call Rolodex had been getting a bit stale and she wasn't quite to his standards for an immediate nightcap), Barney twisted his way through the Columbia faculty, a handful of former students, and some of Ted's Wesleyan buddies before reaching Marshall with a clap on the shoulder. He swiftly pulled three cigars out of his jacket and waggled them enticingly. Beyond the lameness of the party-goers and the stuffiness of Ted's self-proclaimed 'Intellect's Soiree', it was also strange being in Quinn's old apartment and Barney needed a breather.

"Shall we kidnap the guest of honor? I happen to know this place has an exceptionally roomy fire escape."

Marshall sighed and gazed longingly at the gold wrapped cylinders. "Barney, you know I can't smoke anymore."

"Great. Another one for me." Barney gripped tighter onto Marshall's shoulder and walked with his arm congenially around his too tall friend. Gesturing towards Ted with one of the Cubans, he was glad it didn't take much convincing for the newly tenured professor to perk up and jog his way over in excitement.

"Ah, I needed this. Great idea, Barney." Ted took a celebratory drag on the cigar as soon as the three of them passed through the metal gateway to the fire escape. Resting against the brick of the building, Barney chuckled softly and inhaled the earthy and harsh smoke deep into his lungs.

Ted slid his way down the wall into a seated position. "It's fantastic having a party and finally welcoming people into my place. But it's also a little overwhelming, you know? Suddenly, I'm responsible for a huge number of students, I'm considered a bonified expert in architecture, and all the faculty members I used to think of as superiors are now my _equals_. It's a lot to take in."

"You deserved it, buddy." Marshall reassured Ted, pushing back on his arms against the metal balcony.

"No, I know, I've worked hard to get here. Believe me." Ted looked up at the criss-crossed metal of the climbing fire escape. "It's just strange to finally actually _be_ where I've wanted to be for so long. At least, well, professionally."

_Ugh, here we go._

After a few moments of silence, Ted slightly cocked his head with a sigh and Barney suppressed an annoyed sneer, readying himself for the inevitable whining about Ted's loneliness.

"I'm surprised Steve's friend Chris didn't show." Ted murmured, rolling the cigar absently between his pointer finger and thumb. "I was kinda hoping she would."

"Why?" Barney said, crinkling his eyebrows and blinking over at Ted. "Did she say she'd bring the album over or something?" (He had to at least _try_ and change the subject.)

Ted laughed, "No, though that would also be an enticing reason." Ted paused and smiled out into the night. "Really, it's just...she's pretty cute. It's been tough to meet women lately and I feel like she's...you know."

Marshall shrugged, "She's nice. But is she really your type? You're not usually one for the tattooed and freakishly chipper."

"Maybe that's a good thing?" Ted sighed and leaned his head back, "I'm obviously doing something wrong. Maybe I need to shake things up a bit, go for women I normally wouldn't."

Ted paused.

"I'm actually surprised _you_ haven't tried sleeping with her yet." He commented, gesturing his cigar towards Barney. "What, with her being a dancer and all."

Barney tilted his head and looked up. Sure, Chris was hot and certainly flexible and just a little wild. He couldn't say he hadn't sized her up and the girl would definitely be down for some no-strings-attached action. But whether it was The Platinum Rule or something just forming around frayed edges, Chris seemed entirely off-limits. He feared that it had to do with...things he didn't want to think about, but he couldn't give credence to that idea. Still though, his gut stated pretty emphatically that it would be messy and not really worth it.

But of course, that would be far too difficult and complicated and, ugh, _heavy_ to explain to his friends right now, so he landed on the most plausible explanation.

"Dude. You still don't read my blog, do you? A Bro may never sleep with a girl who has shorter hair than he does, excepting when the chick's breasts are perpendicularly _longer_ (i.e., perkier) than said hair and/or she is open to threesomes." Barney took a long pull of his cigar and gave a little half-grimace, "Plus, like, doesn't that mean she's a lesbian anyway? Been there, done that."

"Barney, your depth of thought never ceases to amaze." Smoke blew in wistful trails from Ted's mouth and he turned to Marshall. "But that reasoning makes sense, right?

"I don't know, Ted." Barney was surprised to see Marshall carefully shake his head. "It's not that I don't like Chris or think she wouldn't be lucky to date you. It's just that..." He hesitated. "It's just that _maybe_ you've involved yourself in a few too many love triangles over the years."

Love triangles? Barney considered the thought. Sure, there was the previously ongoing combination of himself, Ted, and Robin. Then there was Robin, Ted, and Victoria. Ted, Stella, and Tony. The Captain, Zooey, and Ted. Victoria, Ted, and Klaus. And so on and so forth.

Barney took another drag of his cigar, his shoulders bouncing slightly with muffled laughter. Yeah, Ted definitely had a problem. But how was this a love triangle? As far as he knew, Chris was completely single. (And now that he had given it some thought, he was still unconvinced that she wasn't 83% lesbian. Seriously, why _else_ would she have that horrible hair cut?)

"Chris is single." Ted mirrored at least some of Barney's thoughts aloud.

"No, no. You're right." Marshall hesitated again. "It's just something Lily has... noticed. That's all. She's probably still jacked up on her pregnancy hormones." Marshall paused awkwardly, clearly feeling bad for bringing up the topic at all. "Did you know those are in breast milk? So much for popsicles! Am I right?"

Barney glared at Marshall incredulously and shook his head with a grunting laugh when Marshall simply shrugged, clearly disgusted with himself.

"If you think this is about Robin-" Ted warned quietly, staring down at his hands. Barney felt his heart anxiously drop into his stomach before reappearing with a heavy beat.

"No. I know that's over. Really." Marshall back-pedaled. "It's not about Robin. It's probably stupid, but it's more that Lily thinks there may be something between...Chris and _Steve_, that's all."

"Has Lily told Robin that theory?" Barney found himself asking, a wave of protectiveness rushing up into his chest along with his labored heartbeat.

"No!" Marshall's eyes went wide. "No, of course not. Robin's actually happy for once."

_Ouch_. Barney ticked his head with an imperceptible sneer of his lip and finished his cigar in one drag. Coughing a little, he tossed the incomplete remnant over the edge of the balcony. Of course, it was true. Robin had been fiercely unhappy in their mess of a relationship and that was common knowledge. They had "cancelled each other out" or some other increasingly hollow reasoning. And it wasn't like Barney was trying to _deny_ that their coupling had been an unmitigated disaster. He just really didn't like hearing about it anymore.

Marshall merely glared at Barney's littering and continued.

"Lily wouldn't mess up Robin's relationship on a gut feeling. But you know her, she's always trying to see all sides of the issue and predict any bumps in the road. Even whilst in Kraken retirement."

"Ugh, I guess you're right." Ted threw his hands up in frustration. "It would just be nice if _everything_ would line up. I'm so close, I can feel it. She's out there and she's waiting for me. I've just gotta find her."

Barney restrained himself again from rolling his eyes. It was such a joke. Ted had been on this journey for The One for so long and he had come up with jack squat. And that was supposed to be a surprise? Barney inwardly scoffed. If there was anything he had learned over the years, it was that it wasn't merely about _finding_ what you were looking for.

It was about getting.

Only a miniscule percentage of people in this world were good enough or worthy enough or just lucky enough to both find and _get_ the love of their lives. Marshall was part of that rare group. Ted had come close, so close, with Stella and Zooey and Victoria and even Robin. For all his moping and whining, Ted was a lot luckier in love than most. Ted had long relationships with women who adored him... and then most of them even ended maturely and amicably (getting his ears stuffed with German chocolate cake and the Krav Maga incident aside).

Yes, granted: Ted hadn't found The One or whatever (Barney still wasn't sure what that even meant most of the time) and Ted certainly had clearer goals in mind. Ted didn't only want to get married, he also wanted to have kids and the whole typical suburban lifestyle. So to the best of his ability, Barney understood the urgency. But that didn't change the fact that Ted was still so much better off than Barney had ever been. Barney had only barely touched the opportunity to experience a fulfilling relationship, before having to settle for knock-offs and lesser-thans. And then even they didn't want him.

So Ted should really just count his blessings.

During the past summer, he probably would have said something like that to him. But Barney was working on being..._nicer_. No. Funnier. Back to his "usual" self, whatever that meant. It wasn't his friends' fault that he was a lost cause. They were the only ones keeping him above ground most days, so he had to hold tightly and preserve what he had.

Frustrated with himself, Barney pushed away his recreant thoughts (they came more and more since his engagement ended and he was sick of it.) With a characteristic smirk, Barney slyly turned to his shorter bro and pulled him up.

"Ted, you seem to have forgotten that just past our metal enclosure, there is a full-blown party occurring with the sole purpose of celebrating how awesome you are. That, my friend, is what we call "Glory" - the Ultimate Pussy Magnet! Which you would know if you read my blog." Barney pointed at Ted. That he was serious about. (It was _really_ a lot better. Come on.)

"Honestly, every chick in there is angling at getting with the mysterious, successful host. You have all the power and each of them will be putty in your semi-capable hands. Because finally - _for once - _those girls will actually give a shit that you truly are Ted Mosby, Architect." Barney slapped Ted on the back and waggled his eyebrows, "So buck up, champ, and let's go play our favorite game."

Back inside, as a hot young Philosophy graduate was indeed excited to have "met Ted," Barney scoped out the room. The talent was low and he had already done his rounds. Taking a martini from one of Ted's current students (he had hired them as his "catering staff"), Barney took a sip, grimaced at the poorly constructed drink, and somehow found himself considering what Marshall said about Steve.

His eyes falling on Robin's latest flame, Barney felt hot bubbles of suspicion, anger, and something a little like triumph rising in his breast. He had known Steve was too good to be true. He was just too relaxed, too certain, too sure of himself around Robin. _Robin._ No man had the right to be that at ease around the only woman in the world who could trip Barney Stinson flat onto his ass and face at the same time. Therefore, Barney didn't trust anything Steve said or did and he certainly didn't trust his stupid biceps. Though, honestly, he had been hoping that Steve was secretly, like, a mobster or some kind of circus freak (or maybe he had a uterus?) so Barney could swoop in and perform a heroic citizen's arrest. And he certainly couldn't wrap his head around the idea of Steve _possibly _being interested in another woman when he had Robin on his arm.

Regardless, Barney now had a concrete, fairly believable theory from the all-seeing Lily and he was validated in his wariness towards the newcomer. Steve was unequivocally bad news. He had to be.

But as he watched Robin smile up at her boyfriend and laugh warmly as she took his hand in hers, looking devastatingly happy and content in all the ways she never was with him, Barney just wished his victory didn't feel so empty.

…

It was Sunday afternoon and Robin was alone at the bar. Easily sliding into the booth, her iPhone held between her cheek and shoulder, she took a sip of her beer and barely registered the small crowd of baseball watchers huddled underneath MacLaren's screens. Right now, she needed to focus on getting her message across.

"Listen, Mandy, it's really not all that difficult." Robin resisted the urge to scream at her publicist. "All you need to do is make sure that absolutely no media outlets hear the words 'Robin Sparkles' _breathed_ towards them, all right?"

A beat. Robin furiously rolled her eyes and leaned forward against the table on her arms.

"I do not have to explain myself to you and don't you dare look it up or ask Sandy about it," she hissed in hushed tones. "Just make sure it gets done, okay? You can even leak the Mo's story before any of this gets out. And whatever you do, do _not_ take any calls from Alan Thicke. Old man is desperate for some attention these days." Another beat, Robin rubbed her temple. "Yes, I _do_ know his son has the same name as me. But that's not really relevant, Mandy." Yet another beat. Robin tried to rip her hair out. "No, _Mandy_, I cannot introduce him to you. Look, just do your job."

Robin clicked her phone off with an impatient huff and took several long gulps of beer. She would nip this new Robin Sparkles resurgence in the bud if it killed her. The last thing she needed was all of her momentum derailed by her stupidest teenage rebellion. It had already threatened her career once and she was not going through that again. Now that she was relatively famous, she had to guard her carefully cultivated image as much as possible, even if her co-workers still greeted her with a 'What up, Sparks?' most days.

However, just as those thoughts crossed her mind, her eye fell on a too perky Barney Stinson waltzing into the bar and slipping Carl a package with a gleeful handshake. Robin closed her eyes briefly (_Lord, give me strength_) before strutting purposefully over to the blonde nuisance and grabbing his arm.

"What the hell was that?" Robin refused to let go. A brief flash of mischief passed over Barney's deep blue eyes before he rolled them.

"What's it to you?" Barney asked, shrugging the angry brunette off of him.

"That had better not have anything to do with me or Chris or-" Robin dipped her voice down into a low whisper "-_Robin Sparkles_. I saw you two giggling and whispering together like a couple of co-eds the other day and I will not have any of it, got it?"

Barney simply laughed, "Calm down, Scherbatsky. Despite what you seem to believe, not everything is about you at _all_ hours of the day." He smiled. "Just most of them."

Robin sighed and gave him an amused smirk. Okay. She was dealing with Nice Barney. She could still handle Nice Barney. So despite the awkwardness that seeped into most of their one-on-one interactions these days and though she still wasn't convinced the magician wasn't attempting a misdirect, Robin decided to let it go. If she was serious about restoring their lost friendship, it was necessary to throw him a few bones once in awhile.

"Well, it would be nice if my publicist even dedicated _one_ of those hours to me." Robin plopped down at the bar stool and rolled her neck. "She has the depth and attention span of a goldfish that says 'like' way too much."

"Ah, yes, Mandy." A hearty, lascivious chuckle tumbled from Barney's throat. "She _came_ and she _gave_ without taking, in more ways than one." He tilted his head up with fiery eyes, "Actually, nah. Just in the one way."

Oh. Shit. Right. Robin had forgotten that Barney had seduced and slept with Mandy only days after she was hired. In fact, Mandy had been one of Barney's first 'post-engagement bangs,' back when he was tearing through town on an apparent STD hunt. Robin swallowed building saliva and blinked away any oncoming feelings of jealousy. Because, please, even if Robin cared (which she didn't), it's not like Mandy of all people had anything on her.

"Well, you'll be devastated to know you've been forever replaced in both her heart and loins." Robin smiled brightly and snickered. "By the illustrious Mr. Sandy Rivers."

At Barney's snort, Robin sighed. "It's actually why I can't fire her. She's Sandy's publicist too."

"Please, Scherbatsky." Barney leaned forward. "You think _Sandy_ would care if you got rid of her? The man is a pre-neutered puppy; he'll hump anything, then pant for more. Just the fact that he's going for multiple servings of Mandy-'Too Much Suction'-The-Publicist proves that."

"First of all, _ew_." Robin glared at Barney, her cheek rising against her eye in mild disgust. "Second of all, it's probably not worth it. I don't want to be too demanding."

"But you deserve to be demanding." Barney was suddenly sharp, snappy, and turned away from her, trying to flag Carl down for a drink. "You're Robin Scherbatsky. You've got this and you need the best staff in the world supporting you. It's frankly insulting that this chick doesn't seem to realize or appreciate who she's working for. Kick her to the curb; it'll be good for her."

"It's not that _simple_, Barney."

Robin wasn't sure why she was arguing. He had paid her a compliment and somehow hitting back at him was just...easier than accepting it at face value. Besides, he was wrong. The job market was rapidly going nowhere and she would be a complete monster to release another poor soul into the chasm of the economy, no matter how terrible she was at her job. (And it certainly had nothing to do with her fear of confrontation or conflict.)

Barney rolled his eyes, "Robin, lots of things are actually very simple if you would just let them be."

Before Robin could read anything into _that_ loaded statement, Barney continued: "I honestly don't see what you all have against firing people. How will she ever improve at her work if she doesn't have to face the consequences of doing a crappy job? Failing is crucial for development." Robin forgot how quickly and easily Barney could shift into the knowledgeable executive sometimes. "I mean, please, do you think I got my job by resting on my laurels?"

"No," Robin smirked. "I think you got your job through a combination of sorcery and black market arms-dealing experience."

At that, Barney laughed and winked. "You know it, baby."

And as they continued to banter, teasing and dissecting, Robin's heart rate slowly but surely increased to keep up with the tempo of their witty repartee. Being around Barney when he was like this, ridiculous and entirely in his element, made it impossible to keep comparisons from springing to the front of her mind, no matter how much she tried to curtail them.

She thought to her current boyfriend, the impossibly wonderful Steve. With him, her world was light, dizzy, and free. She thought of spinning under cities and stars and laughing over chicken wings, teasing jokes and gentle touches. He didn't expect anything from Robin and helped her get back in touch with her carefree nature, something that had been desperately missing since God knows when. Being with Steve was like drinking an ice cold glass of water in desert heat; he was a refreshing wind in her hair, a throaty laugh over fizzy beer. Everything was easy, calm, and relaxed.

But with Barney... _Barney_. Barney with his devilish eyes and rascally smiles. Barney who could still ravage her with a single glance. Barney who toyed with her, who played her, who made her body and core so wild and hazy and unsteady and (_God_) so ready. With Barney, she was hot, electric, _chained_. Every time his eyes refused to leave hers, begging her along for the ride... he would reach down into something hard and steely inside her, both reinforcing and melting it away, making her world far too real and in focus.

It had been like this since their break-up, which she couldn't believe it was over three years ago now. God, as crappy and messed up as everything had been, she still had to admit there were times (particularly over that illicit summer) where she had never felt more wanted and free and _alive_. And now, she felt it again. Today. With comfortable ease just barely painting over the crackling, magnetic force field between their bodies, it took all of Robin's strength not to lunge forward at him and offer him everything they maybe both once truly wanted.

She sighed and briefly closed her eyes, hoping against hope that Barney wouldn't notice the shift in her demeanor. She peeked up at him and snorted. He _was_ chattering on, making crude jokes about finally nailing a Cirque du "_So_-_Laid_" performer. (She didn't have the heart to tell him how many times he'd made that joke.)

For the most part, Robin didn't let herself think about their time together. What good would it do? She and Barney weren't _there_ anymore and she was finally close to accepting that too much had changed and too much had gone wrong for them to ever return. And ultimately, she still had no reason to believe Barney wanted her anymore. There was no purpose in chasing a feeling that maybe only _she_ ever really experienced.

In the present, Robin gave her best smile and fist-bumped enthusiastically at something Barney said, only half-aware of the words "Honka honka!" being tossed out.

But before she could sink into her usual pit of despair (it was getting comfy, she was thinking about hanging a Neil Young poster), something horrible broke through her ruminations on Barney Stinson.

At first, she thought she imagined it. But like a dog to a whistle, her head shot up and looked straight at the MacLaren's jukebox. There was no mistaking it: A high pitched giggle and an 80's-sounding power chord boomed out and caught the attention of several bar patrons.

And in case there were any other lingering doubts:

"Oooh, baby! It's Sparkle time!"

With that very familiar, very breathy, very girlish voice permeating throughout the bar, Robin reached across to Barney and grabbed him by his tie.

"I will murder you in your sleep!" She hissed, ready to rip it off, hopefully along with his head.

"You know, I have to agree with Chris." Barney's eyes gleamed as he pulled himself closer to Robin, "The story arc you gave the robot in his quest to find love among the 'sparkling stars' was truly-" He snorted like he couldn't take it anymore "-_inspiring_."

Then it was too late. Barney started howling with laughter and loudly singing along to her opening track, a failed attempt at creating a Canadian dance craze. With another dangerous glare, Robin frantically ran over to the jukebox, barely registering Barney's grand prat fall to the floor in a dramatic, frenzied fit of hilarity. And as Robin prepped to slap the jukebox silly and press every button on the damn thing, she questioned what demon work Barney must have pulled off to ensure that the entire album was now such an airtight part of the selection of MacLaren's musical offerings. He truly was the devil. The devil in a black suit.

But then...

As the effort Barney must have put into the endeavor began to sink in (get the album from Chris, convert it, meet with Carl, etc), Robin felt a funny twist in her heart and she quickly made sure her body was completely angled away from the exuberantly writhing Prince of Darkness.

It was only then that Robin allowed the tugging smile to stretch across her blushing face.

He was just so _ridiculous_. It had been almost seven years since the discovery of Robin Sparkles and he still had a child-like wonder and glee surrounding any new piece of information. How could he still care so much after all this time? Though she would be loath to admit it, the fact that anyone actually gave a shit about this tiny corner of her history warmed her cold heart.

A smirk of satisfaction crept across her face. And as for his little quip about all hours of the day not being about her?_ My ass._

Not that she had any illusions about it meaning something. She knew it didn't. At least, it didn't mean anything romantically. In terms of their friendship, though?

As she heard her sixteen-year-old self sing about how one should "Forget the Safety Dance / Do the Sparkle Dance!" and other awful references to American 80s songs, Robin had to admit that maybe, just maybe, in all of Barney's wickedness and his ridiculous obsessions and the feeling that somehow it still had something to do with _her_, the man also possessed the ability to make her feel just as light and dizzy and free as the best of 'em.

And as she watched Barney joyously clap his hands and implore the lunch crowd to "Zamboni around / With your hands in the air!" and "Zamboni around / Like you just don't care!" Robin smiled again.

Maybe everything wasn't quite so lost after all.


	5. Chapter Four

...

_**Chapter Four - October 31, 2012**_

_Sky is womb and she's the moon_

...

Lily pressed down on her eyelid with skilled artist fingers and hoped for the best. With a flutter, she blinked her eyes open and looked at her newly elongated lashes in the mirror with a triumphant smile. _Daaaaamn, girl. You lookin' good. _Twisting in her early 1930s dress, Lily bobbed her head along with the cheesy pop music Robin played from the living room and took a secretive gulp of a martini. It was finally Halloween and The Terrific Trio (Marshall, Marvin, and herself) was determined to win MacLaren's costume contest for the first time in eight years. And you know, if she and Robin decided to get a little _stupid_, what was the harm?

Of course, considering Barney's latest comments about her needing to invest in "Mom Jeans" because "that booty ain't shakin' for nothin' but The Wiggles and a lost sense of hope these days," Lily was even more determined to make sure she looked as hot as humanly possible. Checking out her accentuated butt and newly slim waist in the mirror, Lily beamed at herself. And with another sip of her martini, she couldn't help but note that nothing would be hotter than her and Robin just...being _so _stupid.

And besides, her boobs were still totally enormous. Marshall could motorboat those puppies from dawn to dusk. And _boy-howdy-did he, _pretty much every time they had the chance. Because despite what the others seemed to think, Marvin's nap time had officially become Get Yo' Freak On time in the Ericksen household; the two of them were still having way more sex than any of the gang combined, she knew it. And all of that contributed to huge, major points in the "Lily Is Absolutely NOT a Washed Up, Sexless Being" column (with bonuses to "Captain" & "Tenille").

Not that she didn't have stretch marks or cellulite. And there was definitely some saggy skin creeping up in unexpected places. Frowning a little, Lily felt a new wave of insecurity wash over her. She needed Robin's unending support and keen eye for style and sexiness. Stat.

"Robin!" She called over to the living room, "Come in here and tell me if I look wide-eyed and swoon-worthy enough."

"Be right there!" Robin's voice called, a little out of breath and grunting. "These boots are bitch to pull on."

Lily rolled her (seriously gorgeous) eyes and walked out herself. Her flowy white gown and long blonde wig accentuated her movements and she twirled as she pranced out of the bathroom.

"What do ya think?" She asked with a smile. "Will Marshall wanna do me?"

Robin gave her an exasperated smirk. "Marshall would want to do you even if _you _were dressed as the gorilla. Now help me get this on."

The tall reporter was pulling on shiny pink boots underneath a short, sweet yellow dress. When they finally got the right one tugged onto her slender (_Ooh, so slender_) calf, Robin stood up and sarcastically raised her arms in the air.

"Well, how do I look?"

Alone, both items were adorable. But together...

"Are you supposed to be Big Bird?" Lily asked, blinking in confusion and sitting down on the couch to give Marvin a few pats on the belly inside his carrier. Robin sighed and shook her head. "Er. A _sexy _Big Bird?"

"No. I'm supposed to be the Morton Salt Girl. This whole thing is dumb." Robin then stopped and looked at Lily with suspicion. "Have you been drinking a martini?"

Lily hid a quick hiccup under her hand and shook her head with a hopefully innocent look on her face.

"Carl's 'Free Drinks with a Costume' thing is discriminatory towards those of us who think Halloween is stupid." Robin crossed her arms. "And if Ted hadn't lost that old yellow umbrella, at least people would be able to somewhat guess what I am."

"Nah, then you'd just look like Big Bird in a rain storm." Lily giggled, despite Robin's oh-so-serious glare.

When Robin turned away, grumbling about Ted's boots not fitting her properly and that was what was making her waddle and walk like a bird, not the costume, Lily slyly pulled out her phone and sent out a quick text. (See, even the Mom could still have her little bits of fun!)

But as Robin began ranting about how she should take her rifle down and go as 'Pissed Off Bar Patron Who Hates Halloween,' Lily remembered what was really important.

"Not to reign in your _very_ healthy approach to things you don't like, but can we focus on what matters?" Lily twirled again. "How do I look? Remember, I'm supposed to be waifish and delicate, not all Marilyn Monroe-y. Not that Marshall would complain about _that_, let me tell you."

"You do have the cans for it now."

Lily put her hand to her heart: "Thank you, Robin!"

"Lily, you look amazing." Robin threw her friend a genuine half-smile. "Really. There's no way the three of you won't win the costume contest."

"Well, what about you?" Lily's eyes widened and she scuttled over to Robin, nudging her. "Will Steve be joining as The Morton Salt _Boy_?"

Robin laughed loudly and arched a quick eyebrow. "Uh. No. I haven't completely lost my dignity." Off Lily's wounded look, Robin's face widened into a falsely bright smile. "...But you look _great_!"

"Save it, Sesame Street."

"Dammit."

Lily picked at her dress and sneaked a quick glance at her notoriously private friend. Grabbing two beers off the table, Lily popped them open and handed one to Robin. "So Steve's doing his own thing?"

Robin took a quick sip of her beer and shook her head. "Nah. He and Chris have some weird tradition where they go as two different versions of the same costume." She shrugged. "As long as I don't have to be involved, I don't really care."

That was it. Lily couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay, what the hell?" Lily ripped Robin's beer from her hands, ignoring Robin's cry of 'hey!" and standing firm with her hand on her hip. "What is going on there? What kind of boyfriend dresses up with another girl for Halloween? Did he even ask you to dress up with him?"

"No." Robin grabbed her beer back with a huff. "But that's because he knows I think Halloween is _stupid _and it would be an exercise in futility. And I'm not the crazy jealous type! I don't care if he dresses up with Chris. In fact, just last year, I dressed up with Barney and we were both in relationships and that was fine."

"Oh yeah, that's a great example." Lily rolled her eyes._ Children. I am surrounded by children. _"Except you and Barney used to do it like rabbits."

"Used to. Past tense." Robin's voice was set on edge. "And besides, so did..."

Lily's ears perked up at Robin's deliberate trail off.

"So did _who_, Robin? Where's the poop?"

"There's no poop." Robin hissed, taking several gulps of her drink. "Steve used to date Chris. So what? Two of my best friends are my ex-boyfriends and that's worked out..."

At Lily's stern glare, Robin trailed off again and shrugged, plopping down in the arm chair.

"It's worked out_ okay_." Robin sarcastically finished under her breath, pouting slightly. Lily exhaled and sat down next to Robin.

"Well, why did they break up? Were they incompatible on the same level as you and Ted?"

Robin shrugged, "I'm not sure. Steve just said it didn't work out. I think they prefer to forget it ever happened. Anyway, they only dated for, like, a second and Steve always talks about how they're just friends now."

Lily's heart hurt. Robin didn't deserve this. She was finally ready to have a real relationship and finally ready to actually commit herself to someone else in a long-term way, but the universe just kept crapping all over her efforts. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. She had even done the right thing and released Ted, finally allowing the architect the room to grow and find himself outside of his (admittedly self-imposed) framework of Robin-as-soulmate. Kevin had been a good guy, but wrong for her in all the exact same ways Ted was. And Don was just a dick.

(Of course, there was always Barney. But both of them were so emphatic regarding the dissolution of their curtailed relationship that Lily finally had to let it go. She was trying to stop beating dead horses.)

Now Steve was absolutely perfect for Robin. The two of them were comfortable together, thick as thieves, and had similar goals and senses of humor. But there was no crackle in the air between the two of them. And Steve never gazed at Robin the way she deserved to be gazed at. With her shiny brown hair... long luscious legs... megawatt smile... small yet perky-

Lily hiccupped again. She must have had more of that martini than she realized.

The point was, it was pretty clear that Robin was way more into Steve than Steve was into her. And considering how Robin didn't seem eternally devoted or anything, that was saying a lot. Lily had noticed it from the start, but the introduction of Chris had confirmed her musings.

And Robin just really didn't deserve this.

"Be careful, okay?" Lily patted Robin's knee slowly. "Protect yourself."

Robin smiled a little sadly. "I always do."

Just as Lily was about to question Robin further, the front door swung open. Barney quickly slipped in wearing a suit, sunglasses, and carrying a clipboard. He nodded his head at Robin and Lily before tugging a velvet rope stand into the apartment. Swiftly moving it around the door, Barney stood just outside of its red and gold enclosure and smirked at the two women.

"Ladies." He finally greeted, whipping his sunglasses off and placing them into his front suit pocket.

Lily clucked her tongue and narrowed her eyes with amusement. "Barney, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm a door guy!" Barney smiled brightly and tapped on his clipboard. "To get past me, you've gotta be on the list. And believe me, _you want to be on the list_. I've got 'Sexy Cheerleader,' 'Sexy Nurse,' 'Sexy Catwoman,' all of 'em."

"That is the dumbest idea I've ever seen." Robin was standing and touching the rope. "Are you actually going to carry this around all night?"

"And post up at different popular locales. In front of the bar, in front of the jukebox, in front of the women's bathroom. Because nothing's hotter than a guy who tells you when you can pee, right, Scherbatsky?"

At Barney's shit-eating-grin and wink, Robin flipped him off with a smile and a laugh. "You're going to get bored of this."

"Well, that's why I have spare costumes. Obviously."

"The Devil and Top Gun?"

"Classics."

"Moronic."

"Oh, shoot." Barney tilted his head mockingly. Lily was puzzled by how close the two of them were to each other. Since when were they all flirty and stuff again? "Looks like I'm going to have to cross _Sexy Big Bird _off the list."

Robin whipped around, "Dammit, Lily! Barney? Really? Of all people?"

Lily shrugged and laughed into her hand, while Barney walked over to cackle maniacally and point at Robin, pulling out his phone to show Lily her own message. "You're so right, she totally looks like Big Bird!"

"I'm the Morton Salt Girl!" Robin stomped her boot down.

"Hey, at least I didn't send out a mass text?" Lily offered in her defense.

"Barney is a human mass text." Robin crossed her arms and moved to stand beside Marvin, brushing a fallen piece of lint off his little perfect forehead. "I wish Windsor's had a mascot. That would be easier."

"True." Barney grabbed Robin's beer off the coffee table with a smile. "It was pretty inevitable that you would screw up an American industry's pride and joy. Though yellow is a _great _color on you. And you also get points for the attempt at infantilization." He waggled his eyebrows. "Daddy likes."

"You're disgusting." Robin stood in front of Barney and snatched her beer back, finishing all of it with a triumphant smirk. Lily noted that she didn't back up from his close proximity. "And I got the costume perfectly right. You two are just seeing weird puppet characters where there are none."

"Um, false." Barney ticked off his corrections on his fingers. "First of all, they're Muppets. Get it right. Secondly, you don't have an umbrella, you are not wearing white tights, The Morton Salt girl famously wore Mary Janes, _not _Ted's stupid boots and your hair isn't styled in pigtails."

He shook his head in disgust. "Really, Scherbatsky, you Canada-ed it up all over again."

"One-quarter."

"You will not pee for the whole night."

"Fine. I-I'll just pee on your face."

And with Robin's absurd assertion, the two of them finally broke.

Laughing hysterically, Barney rested his hand on Robin's shoulder as he asked her through gulping breaths to repeat her claim and Robin snorted and howled wildly, shaking her head. Lily's eyebrows shot up as she watched Robin clutch at Barney's lapels and rest her head against his chest as they both shook with slowly fading laughter.

_Children._

"Ahem."

Lily pretended to be tugging Marvin out of his carrier as Barney and Robin separated like a shot. Robin pushed her hair away from her face and Barney very deliberately grabbed at his checklist, studying its contents with sudden interest.

"I need both of your help getting Marvin in his little gorilla costume, please." Lily snapped her fingers and called them over, suppressing an eyeroll.

"I call making funny faces." Barney quickly burst out, touching his finger to his nose. Robin grumbled and sat down next to Lily.

"Fine. But if he loses an arm, I'm claiming no responsibility."

And as the three of them worked in tandem to get Marvin into his adorable little outfit with minimal crying jags, Lily darted her gaze between her two friends. Robin stared intently at Marvin's arm and studiously avoided Barney's eyes. Both of their cheeks were three shades redder than usual. And though Barney masterfully entertained Marvin with emotive and extremely funny faces, Lily saw that his hand shook slightly until he clutched at the couch. (His knuckles turned white.)

Barney tilted his gaze up at Robin from beneath his lashes and Robin swallowed heavily as they made eye contact. A beat passed and they both turned back to Marvin with plastered on smiles.

_Huh._ So maybe the horse _wasn't _quite as dead as they let on.

But as Lily considered the notion, she shook her head. The horse may not be dead, but Lily didn't have the time or energy to handle the bucking bronco that was The Barney and Robin Show. She was a mother now.

They were on their own.

Picking up her little gorilla, Lily bounced him in her arms and smiled at him, making tweeting birdie noises and burying her face in his teeny tiny belly..

_Though God help any little girl who thinks you're cute someday, sweetheart._

…

"Two tequila shots!" Barney shouted at Carl over the Halloween crowd. From beside his elbow and leaning on the bar, Robin laughed as yet another dude pushed Barney's velvet rope over in annoyance. Barney scrambled to pick it up and sneered. "Some people have no respect for authority."

"Well, downing tequila shots is certainly the best way to stop caring about it."

"You need one to forget that hideous outfit you're wearing." Barney quipped and gave her a once over. "Though I do still like the dress. Nice and short."

Robin smacked him half-heartedly, taking her shot from Carl.

"This holiday is stupid." She declared, raising her glass. Barney shrugged and clinked his against hers.

"There have definitely been more awesome ones."

As they simultaneously downed their shots (tequila always burned wickedly), Robin briefly wondered if Barney remembered the Halloween three years ago.

The story started when Barney had tried to get her to wear the Stormtrooper outfit for sex and had led to one of their most infamous fights (the one wherein she kept referring to his "Storm_pooper_"). By the time they finished screaming at each other, Barney had stormed into the bathroom and Robin - filled with guilt and desperate for an appropriate apology - sneaked out and found a gold bikini at a downtown costume shop. When she got back, she put her hair into two small buns and handcuffed herself to Barney's bed.

With a smirk, present day Robin slyly looked over at the man in question as he shrugged 'helplessly' at an increasingly pissed off and realistically dressed witch, informing her she wasn't on the list to get to the bar. Her heart rate increased ever so slightly as the memories came back; Robin would never forget the look on his face when he came out of the bathroom, stopped in a quick stupor and then immediately tackled her.

They didn't talk to each other much after that, though there was certainly a lot of screaming. Of course, that was for very, _very _different reasons.

(And it was the first time she had ever dressed up on Halloween.)

A firm hand gripped her shoulder, harshly throwing Robin out of her thoughts.

"Oh my god!" She yelped, turning around and looking straight at...

Abraham Lincoln?

"Hello there! Any room for an Honest Abe by your side?" The voice behind the beard and moles was extremely familiar, jubilant and perhaps a little drunk.

"Steve?" Robin shuddered out, touching the beard with a hesitant smile. "I didn't even recognize you! That's some serious makeup you've got on there."

(Barney was now flirting with a Sexy Witch as the Realistic Witch scowled. Just as well.)

Steve laughed, "Halloween is a very serious holiday in the Lowell family. Either you go big or you go home." He paused and gave Robin a once over, "Though your Morton Salt Girl is very cute too."

"You know who I am!" Robin's smile increased tenfold.

Steve blinked. "Well, of course. What else would you be? It's a perfect rendition."

"Mmmm, you always know the right thing to say." Robin snaked her arms around Steve's neck. "Keep that up and you'll definitely be getting four _score_d tonight."

"I _definitely _like the sound of that." Steve chuckled and pulled her closer. As Steve bent down for a kiss, Robin's hazy eyes were surprised to catch Barney standing alone, rapping his hand impatiently against the bar and then disappearing. Brushing her confusion off, she closed her eyes and leaned into Steve's warm embrace.

Robin felt cocooned.

Well, until...

"C'mon, bitch, let's get dirty in here like it's 1865!"

Chris sprang up behind the couple and lightly kicked Steve's behind with her combat boots. And combat boots weren't the only thing she was wearing: A full beard also adorning her face, Chris was dressed in a glittery top hat, booty shorts, suspenders, and a tight white T-shirt emblazoned in gold letters reading "EMANCIPATE THESE" over her breasts. Bandying a beer bong about, Chris shoved the tube into her mouth and poured a whole glass of beer down the funnel and into her mouth. Wiping the remnants away with an unladylike flourish, Chris smiled up at Steve.

"You're next, hotstuff." Chris laughed at Steve's incredulous face and leaned into him slightly before looking over at Robin like a deer in headlights. "Oh. Hi. I didn't see you there."

"No doubt everyone saw you though." Robin managed to get out with a forced laugh, "What exactly are you supposed to be?"

"Well." Chris tilted her head dramatically, "Steve here is obviously America's 16th President, the resplendent Mr. Abraham Lincoln."

"Thus, as per our tradition, Chris had to rise to the challenge and take a quirky spin on the idea." Steve explained, leaning in with jazz hands. "Creating..."

"BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN!"

Robin was far less enthused than the two friends waving their hands at her. Steve cracked up and crossed his arms.

"You know, I thought I'd trip you up this year with the blatantly American reference. But as always, you've outdone yourself, Miss Hip." Steve tilted his head and gently chucked Chris under her chin.

"Well, I didn't think anyone except Barney would appreciate me going as Robin Sparkles for the millionth time." Chris laughed and then looked at the former singer seriously. "I really did. I can show you pictures if you'd like."

"I'll take your word for it." Robin rushed in, scratching at her neck. Smiling along as Steve and Chris fell into their natural conversational rhythm, and feeling hopelessly left out as usual, Robin found herself desperately wishing Barney had stayed by the bar so she could have a buffer. (Or even Ted or Lily or Marshall...anyone else would do.)

Alas though, she was once again the third wheel in the threesome where she should be the dominant one.

Putting her finger up to signal a quick departure to the bar (they didn't notice), Robin flagged down Carl. She knew exactly how to get through this increasingly terrible night.

"Five shots of tequila, please."

...

About an hour later and more than pleasantly buzzed, Robin meandered over to the booth and slid in next to a texting Barney.

"What happened to the little witch? The witchy witch witch." She asked very intelligently, smoothly rolling her head along her neck and pointing at him.

To that, Barney just snorted and smiled a little: "Someone's drunk."

"Who?" Robin glanced around. Barney laughed.

"The witch was married. She just thought my costume idea was cool and only wanted to talk about that. Lame."

"Super lame." Robin hiccuped. "I mean, who would think that's _cool_? Coolie-oolie-oolie-oool." _Heh. That's a funny word._

Barney scrunched his nose at her. "Bro, you need some water." He slid his glass towards her. "Drink all that. I'll grab you a Red Bull too."

"Red Bull tastes funny." Robin gulped the water down, suddenly thirsty. "And besides I should naturally be able to hold my liquor just like super awesome _Chris_ does. Chris is just so super _awesome_, right?" She suddenly realized what Barney had been implying. "And I'm not drunk! I'm _Tequila_-ed."

With a soft chuckle, Barney squeezed Robin's shoulder and moved past her. His touch burned hot on her skin and his movements were like a _whoosh _that nearly pushed Robin back. Her stomach churned slightly.

"One Red Bull coming up." Barney paused. "And Chris tries too hard, in my expert opinion. Better for it to come naturally." Raising his scotch to her with a wink, Barney disappeared to the bar. Robin dramatically pushed air out of her mouth and sniffed before letting her head gently rest on the table. _Ugh, stop spinning._

"Hey," Lily was suddenly grabbing at her arm. "Get up. It's time for the costume contest."

"Schtume what now?" Robin put her head to her hand or is it her hand to her...whatever. Letting Lily drag her over to the jukebox, Robin's eyes grew wide at the sight of Marshall. Ted was putting the finishing touches on his design but there was no mistaking it...on Marshall's already tall person, a freakin' model of the Empire State Building was jutting out from his torso, around his chest, and up above his head.

"Holy bananas." Robin said because that seemed like the only thing to say. She was woozy again.

A Red Bull materialized in her hand.

"HA! Magic!" Robin gave an also magically materialized Barney a thumbs up. "You _are _a good magician!"

"Seriously? I've done _hundreds_ of magic tricks for you and all I did was _hand _you-" He paused and put his fist to his mouth. "Never mind. Just drink."

Popping open the can, Robin watched with awe as Barney stood behind Marshall and held Baby Gorilla Eriksen up along the pointy parts of Marshall's head. Lily held her arms out dramatically and mimed falling, her best silent film star face on. And Marshall stood still and stern.

Robin wasn't sure if it was the tequila or the Red Bull or the spinning or some other magic Barney was working, but she would be damned if they didn't look _exactly _like a still out of "King Kong."

"Halloween is fun!" Robin squealed, clapping her hands together.

(And she only changed her mind after puking over the roof at the after party.)

…

The New York City skyline was gauzy under the black night as Barney stood along the edge of the balcony. Taking a deep breath, he patted Robin's back and brushed her hair behind her shoulders.

"Just get the rest of it out, bro." He encouraged, trying to ignore the retching sounds and hating himself for still being attracted to her even when she was like this. "Get it out and you can keep partying."

And where the hell was her boyfriend anyway? This was _his _job.

"Never partying again." Robin moaned out between barfs. "Joining convent. Going on juice cleanse."

"That's what they all say, Scherbatsky."

Robin dry heaved one last time and plopped to a seated position against the brick of the balcony. Barney shifted his feet and stood awkwardly next to her, resisting the urge to sit beside her and wrap his arms around her like some kind of lovesick sucker.

"Sorry about that." Robin looked down at her fingernails. Barney shrugged.

"Taking care of a fellow bro who had one too many is pretty explicit in The Bro Code." Barney pulled two cigarettes out and handed her one. Gratitude swept across Robin's face and she stood, allowing Barney to light hers as she held the Marlboro between her lips. (Barney's mind went white and hot as he remembered those lips' othertalents.)

"Try _three_ too many." Robin took a long drag and shook her head, looking disgusted with herself. "And the Red Bull did _not _help by the way. Just gave me heart palpitations."

"Didn't realize how far gone you were." Barney offered as distracted explanation, scanning the roof.

Seriously. Steve should have been the one dealing with this.

But when he yet again found no sign of Robin's actual boyfriend, Barney nearly snarled. Swallowing heavily, Barney let his eyes close for a moment, collecting his thoughts. Robin was his bro, he reminded himself. They had been getting along better than ever over the past couple weeks and things were finally normal and he had sworn to be a good bro to her. And by helping her recover from a tequila overdose, he was being an _awesome_ bro and dutifully following his own Code. He was absolutely _not _playing the boyfriend, because having to play the boyfriend would be grossly unfair to everyone involved. All things considered.

Robin blew smoke off the balcony. It trailed over the skyline and moved swiftly into oblivion.

"I really hate Halloween." She muttered, resting her hand against the edge. Robin looked at Barney. "Have you seen Steve? I feel like he's been missing for hours."

"He's been around." Barney answered, mostly truthfully. "He got you some water at one point. But he and Chris have been doing their own thing a lot of the night. After they were done entertaining the crowd, that is."

"Right." Robin's voice was brittle and edgy. She tossed her cigarette butt off the roof. "Better them than me."

"Oh, don't worry. You were _plenty _entertaining." Barney chuckled, remembering Robin's dance-off with a 'Sexy Baby.' Robin had been declaring her newfound love for Halloween while performing The Sparkle Dance at Chris and Steve's insistence. It had been spectacularly awesome. At least, until Robin rushed over to the side of the roof and started puking her guts up.

Then it was decidedly less awesome.

Robin sighed and backed away towards the roof door, "Well, I think I'm going to try to find him and let him know I'm heading home. Tomorrow will be a long day of rib eating and _Real Housewives _watching. The more sleep I get now, the better it will go."

"Godspeed." Barney mockingly saluted Robin, pleased with the small smile and eye roll it received.

As she ducked through the crowd, Barney looked down at his feet or the floor or anywhere but her retreating figure. Scratching his eyebrow and licking his lips impatiently, Barney violently shook another cigarette out of its pack. _Screw this. Screw this. Screw ALL of this._

Maybe he should just head to the Lusty Leopard for the night. Find Quinn. He heard she was working there again. And they were due for a backslide.

Breathing in the smoke, Barney flashed his eyes about even more furiously. No, that was stupid. Quinn was over. And she would certainly never sleep with him again. He laughed bitterly; he actually wouldn't be surprised if she had already married some other chump by now.

"You know, laughing alone is a sign of mental instability." Ted came up behind Barney and nudged him, his movements just a little stilted in that six-beers-deep kind of way. The blonde looked over at his friend and slipped a confident grin across his face.

"Not as much as a grown man dressing up as Jay Jay the Jet Plane." Barney waved his hand over Ted's perfectly constructed airplane costume. "You are the worst protégé _ever_."

Ted huffed, "First of all, you've been watching way too many children's shows with Lily. Second, I am obviously the biplane circling the Empire State Building in 'King Kong.' Lily and Marshall's costume wouldn't have worked without me!"

"Did they let you pose with them for the Costume Contest picture?"

Ted's face fell. "No."

"Then I rest my case." Barney snickered. "Classic Schmosby. You look like a tool."

"Says the jerk of a bouncer who has been yelling at girls all night."

"Daddy issues, bro. The authority gets them all hot." Barney adjusted his belt buckle and cocked an eyebrow. "You really never learn."

"Thank God." Ted smirked and took a long sip of whatever was in his Solo cup before pointing at it. "Steve and Chris made this punch. It's crazy good, you should have some."

"Ted. Even if I would deign to imbibe concentrated juice mixed with poor quality liquor, I would especially never drink one concocted in a dirty cooler by a known enemy." Barney snatched Ted's drink and poured it over the roof in disgust.

"Known enemy?" Ted was laughing even though Barney was deadly serious. He always did that. It got old sometimes.

"Uh, yeah." Barney couldn't believe he had to explain this to Ted. "It's a major concept in my next bestseller,_ The Anti-Bro Code_. Essentially, because Chris is Robin's enemy and Robin is my bro, Chris is therefore _my _enemy and since I am your bro, Chris is therefore _your _enemy."

Barney paused and considered his next words carefully. "Yes, she gave us 'Make it Sparkle' and I'm certainly grateful for that. But now she's served her purpose and the bitch has got to go."

"Oh, _please_." Ted threw his hands up. "You all are so dramatic. Chris is perfectly nice and she adores Robin. And Robin pretty clearly adores the attention Chris showers upon her. They get along great. So what if Steve has a best female friend? Maybe Robin likes that."

Barney shook his head. "Robin's only into threesomes if she's the foreign party, not part of the couple. It's by far the lamest thing about her. Other than the Canadian stuff." Barney cocked his head and looked at the sky, considering. "Though that kinda grows on you." Another pause. "It's _quirky_."

"Not really what I meant." Ted scratched his head. "Look, you and I know very well that Robin is painfully and annoyingly independent, right?"

Barney nodded slowly and frowned, trying to take Ted's line of thought as seriously as possible.

"I'd say awesome and self-sufficient, but I'll allow it."

"The problem is she refuses to let a relationship be her main priority." Ted explained, perhaps a little bitterly. "She's not willing or able to be in that position."

Barney mentally checked a comment about the other positions that Robin _was _willing and able to get into, and instead nodded politely. (He was becoming so restrained and courteous as he aged!)

Ted reached the conclusion of his lecture, professor style and with a single finger pointed in the air: "Therefore, Robin is actually in her ideal situation wherein she has a boyfriend who is able to get emotional support from another source and allows Robin her much needed 'alone time.' Robin's not responsible for feelings, Steve comes home happy, Robin's not grouchy about space encroachment and everyone wins."

Something about that statement felt wrong to Barney. But then, his experience with Robin had clearly been so vastly different than Ted's - and Ted was none too shy about who he felt had the _truer _experience - so it was entirely possible that Barney once again was missing the point or something crucial about Robin's psyche. Barney was never much of a psychoanalyst type, so he really couldn't argue with Ted's points.

"I guess that makes sense." Barney begrudgingly agreed, smoothing out his suit lapels. "I still think Steve's a douche, though."

"Well, he's obviously a total douche. Anyone who dates Robin is automatically a douche unless they're one of us. But _especially _that guy." Ted nodded and Barney snorted. "But seriously, the drink is good. Go try it. Make peace."

And as Jay Jay the Jet Plane wandered off to flirt with a Milkmaid (Barney predicted he would be officially rejected in eight minutes and thirty-three seconds), Barney grabbed a beer out of the cooler.

Okay, so maybe he was wrong about Chris' presence being a terrible thing for Robin and signaled the end of her newest 'serious' relationship. Maybe Ted was right and it actually worked out better for her in the end. And shouldn't that be Barney's ultimate end-goal? Happiness for his bro? For Robin? Even if it didn't come in the package (_heh_) that Barney would choose, what mattered was that she was okay and doing well. And other than her little bender tonight, he hadn't seen any evidence to the contrary. No matter how hard he looked.

Barney cleared his throat and blinked. _Okay. _Okay.

Straightening his body from his core, his snake eyes searched the roof in earnest. Landing on a girl in a corset and thigh-highs with a sign that read 'KISSING BOOTH' around her neck (there was always one), Barney's lips curled in to a lewd sneer-smile.

Time to get his mack on.

Enough was enough.

…

Robin stumbled her way down to the steps of MacLaren's and sat against the building's facade. It was at least 3 AM by now, far too late for a Wednesday night and far too late for anything good to happen. The world was still uneven under her marginally less intoxicated feet and her chest was heavy, pulling her to the sticky New York sidewalk. Everything was awful.

She was still a mess.

Sniffing her nose above trembling lips, Robin wasn't sure why she was starting to cry. All she knew was that it was Halloween, she was drunk, she was alone, and nothing was okay.

The night had started out fine, Robin vaguely recalled. Hanging out with her friends, drinking, joking. It was like old times. But something was still missing, something created a gaping, aching cavity in her chest that absolutely refused to be filled by her promotion or her relationship or even her own growing sense of self. At 32-years-old, Robin was well aware that she was no longer a child. And yet she was crying on a bar stoop like a drunk Prom Queen, only in an even worse outfit.

_Pathetic._

Rationally, she knew that tomorrow she would chalk this up to the Dangers of Tequila. She had already called in a substitute for the show in the morning, so she would be more than able to eat her ribs and watch her reality television show and wile the day away in between naps and hot showers. She'd call Lily and they'd chat about clothes and Steve and make plans to see a movie that weekend. And maybe Barney would text her an embarrassing picture from the night before and there would be a laugh and everything would be normal.

Or something. Robin rubbed her eyes violently. Nothing that had anything to do with Barney seemed normal these days. It was too..._perfectly _normal. They were trying so hard not to be awkward and keeping their guards up that while everything was normal there was still nothing normal about it.

Her head spun and Robin dry heaved a little. _That's it. Tomorrow I'm shooting tequila bottles off my roof._

On top of it all, Steve was still nowhere in sight. She hadn't found him.

Maybe he was having sex with Chris in a bathroom.

Robin's stomach dropped at her sudden deviant thought. That wasn't happening. That _couldn't _be happening.

Steve was her only real chance at a happy, normal life.

Because she loved him. Sorta. Enough. He was hotter than Kevin or Ted and they had much more in common. He would fit in on the front porch. They would be very companionable old people. Waiting to die together, keeping each other entertained with the business section and playing Bridge properly. They'd have no kids, only a hypoallergenic dog.

Maybe they'd go to Manitoba during the summers. It was pretty up there.

A new burst of tears wracked Robin's slender frame. Clutching her arms around herself, Robin's whole body shook with sobs and snot and pitiful moans. Everything was wrong, everything was wrong, everything was wrong. But as she held her spinning, aching, pounding head in her hands and swallowed saliva against her hot and wet throat, a warm body sat beside her and pulled her to him. Robin rested her head against the strong shoulder and breathed in.

Robin wasn't sure why she was disappointed to see Steve when she finally looked up. After all, she had been looking for him all night.

"You okay, kiddo?" He asked, his voice drained and the slightest smell of beer on his mouth. Robin lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug and attempted to smile.

"I'm _really _drunk." It was the only reasonable answer she could muster.

"I know." Steve leaned in and kissed her hair "I'm sorry I wasn't around." He paused, his eyes crinkling like he wasn't sure what to say. "I got caught up in a conversation."

"A good conversation?" Robin used the back of her hand to push away errant mascara stains.

"No." Steve squeezed Robin's hand tight like it was a lifeline. "It was-it doesn't matter." He pulled Robin's hands up and looked her in the eyes, his own determined and stalwart. "What matters is that I'm committed to you, okay? I'm committed to this and I'm committed to us. I think that we really have a shot here and that-that we make a lot of sense. We're the same. And that's what's important."

Robin nodded slowly, unsure who Steve was trying to convince. In a moment of rare drunken clarity, Robin rested her head back against the brick with a bittersweet tug of her lips. Maybe they both needed convincing.

"I just want to make sure you knew that. Because I really care about you and I don't want you to think...otherwise. Ever. Okay?"

Robin blinked her eyes over to Steve's earnest face and almost said what she wanted to say.

That they were both kidding themselves. That even though they made sense, they weren't right for each other because wanting the same things out of life just simply wasn't enough when they lacked basic chemistry. That both of them would happier with others, that they both _knew _they would be happier with others and maybe even knew who those others were. That they were both too stubborn for their own good and would end up making each other miserable under a tightly guarded shield of "getting along" while really wishing a different hand held theirs in the hospital or a different mouth was on their neck in fits of passion. That they were both hopeless and sad and scared, but they also knew what they had to do and the first step was to end this charade before it drowned them both and swept them too far away from the ones they were really thinking about and wanting and (at the core of it all) loving.

But true to her self-destructive nature, Robin simply put her hand on Steve's cheek.

"Okay."


	6. Chapter Five Pt 1

**Author's Note :**This chapter got really, really long. A lot happens, so I split it into two parts, even though I do very much consider it the same chapter for my own crazy, writerly reasons. Hopefully the split isn't too annoying or jarring!

_**Chapter 5 - November 8th through November 10th, 2012**_

...

_Winter is coming and you're stuck here  
Oh, and so is she..._

...

The sheets were cold and Robin couldn't sleep.

It was 5:24 AM. Her alarm was set to go off in six minutes and she already knew how the morning was supposed to go: Drag herself to the bathroom, lazily brush her teeth, shower, wrap her hair in a tight bun, and throw her clean and neat sweats on. Steve would grumble about the light (he didn't need to get up until 6:30) and Robin would make a quick pot of coffee before walking briskly to the studio, ready to get into wardrobe, hair, and make-up. Every morning was the same and, while dull and uneventful, it was generally tolerable.

But today was different.

It was _November_.

True, it had technically been November for over a week now. But as she noted Steve's conspicuous absence from her bed and the goose-flesh that rose unprovoked on her forearms, Robin knew that it was officially _November_, in all its most horrible ways. Swinging her feet over the side of her King size bed, Robin touched her feet to her hardwood floor and stood. Grabbing her fluffy white floral robe and wrapping it around herself like a shield, Robin drew open her curtains and stared out her wall-sized window, overlooking Central Park. When she first moved in, it had been so exciting and _luxe _and signaled finally reaching bonified career success. But now the trees far below her were gray and dying, and she could no longer remember why she was so happy about it in the first place.

She looked up at her nine-foot ceiling and gorgeously constructed sconces. She smirked. Oh yeah. That had something to do with it.

The novelty still wore off though. And still nothing good came out of November, at least in her recent memories. The only respite was the solidarity the rest of the gang offered. True, Lily and Marshall celebrated the month as their "Getting Back Together" anniversary, but Lily hated the cold and Marshall was known to call this time 'Work Hell Month' for a few years now. And for Ted, it also reminded him of when he was left at the altar and it served as a constant hammering of just how far from his ideal lifestyle he actually was. And she was sure Barney hated it for his own reasons too... particularly since the two of them had a pregnancy scare just last year.

(Robin winced and mechanically touched her stomach. _Don't go there, Scherbatsky._)

So basically, November sucked. And it was going to keep sucking until it faded away and then Robin could pretend once again that the month never happened. The black hole on the calendar. Good plan.

Grabbing her phone, Robin quickly silenced her upcoming alarm and shook out her arms. She could do this. She really could.

"- it's a little early here." Robin's interest piqued at the muffled voice from her living room. It hadn't occurred to her that Steve would be around, let alone on the couch. She thought he went for an early run or something (he liked doing that occasionally, God knew why). Creeping the door open as silently as she could, she peered her head around the door and saw Steve sitting in the dark, his frame hunched over a glowing iPad.

"I think it's the same time in Ottawa. Maybe an hour earlier." He was speaking into the flat device with a falsely cheerful and murmured tone. "Either way, I wanted to make sure you got this when you woke up. Look, I know you're pissed and you have every right to be. It's just...not the same here without you and I-I-I miss you a lot."

Robin closed her eyes and huffed out an impatient breath. It didn't take a scientist to figure out who he was talking to. Chris had disappeared into the ether following the Halloween party. Steve didn't really say much about it, but now it looked like he had been holding out.

"Please give me a call back, even on my cell. I'll take the charges. But, um, I'll have my iPad with me all day too if you want to Skype. I hope you do. I'm really sorry, dude. Hopefully you got that by now." He chuckled sadly. "I just want things to go back to normal."

Refusing to listen to the obvious pain and wracking emotion in his voice anymore, Robin shut the door and strode purposefully over to the bathroom. Today was going to be a _great goddamned day _whether anyone liked it or not.

And when she walked out of the bedroom, fresh and refreshed, it looked like it was on its way. Steve was leaned back on the couch, poking around casually on his iPad as though nothing happened. He glanced up at her and offered her a congenial, if tired, smile.

"Morning. I was wondering when you were going to get your lazy bones up." He placed his gadget on the couch and tilted his head.

"5:30 on the dot." She responded, pretending with all her might that she didn't overhear his near breakdown just a half hour before. "You go for a run?"

He shook his head, "Nah, I couldn't sleep. You should talk to your super about getting your heat running better. It was a little cold."

"I'll get right on that." Robin walked over to her kitchen's island and grabbed her purse. Stopping, she turned and looked at Steve. Maybe they needed a little together time. "Do you want to run to Starbucks with me? We could actually sit at a table and chat for a bit. I'm always at least an hour earlier than Sandy anyway."

Steve offered her a pained smile, his facade breaking down ever so slightly. "You know, I'm a little out of sorts this morning. I think I may take a walk around the park before going to work. And I...I have some e-mails to catch up on." He patted his iPad, his smile still not meeting his eyes. "The law never sleeps."

Robin's heart stung a little. _Right_.

"Okay." She muttered. "Well, I'm gonna go then."

Steve was absorbed in his thoughts and on the internet again, suddenly obsessively searching for something along the vast touch screen. Robin didn't let her mind wander to what it could be.

"'Kay." He gave her a dismissive wave. "See ya tonight. Love ya."

Blinking a few times as she tightened her grip on her purse, Robin cleared her throat.

"Yeah, me too."

Closing the door behind her, Robin shook her head and rubbed her neck. So Steve didn't want to spend the morning with her. Fine. Good. At least he wasn't clingy and weird. It was so much better this way, where they each did their own thing. And now, she could grab a cappuccino to go and not break her ongoing punctuality streak. The hair girls loved her because they weren't scrambling ten minutes before air time. Plus, with the extra freedom, she could catch up on her (Network mandated) Twitter updates and interacting with her fans (assuming Barney didn't clog her inbox with dirty jokes like he was wont to do since discovering her account).

It was fine. It was good.

Really.

...

But her plan didn't work out.

That evening at the bar, she contemplated her cheap, regular scotch with a scowl and threw her hair back with a haughty sigh at some dumb joke Ted made. They were all sitting like they did every damn day and Robin felt suffocated and forced to maybe admit that things _weren't_so fine or good. In fact, things were awful and stupid and - _Ugh_ - God, did Barney _really _have to suck that blonde chick's whole face into his mouth? Not that she cared (of course she didn't, why would she? He could do as he liked), but it was a terrible demonstration of kissing abilities and it was disgusting to watch. Plus, despite wanting to spend time with her boyfriend that morning, she couldn't push off her annoyance that Steve's elbow was forcing itself onto _her_elbow.

_Like, give me space, dude._

Robin glared into her scotch. It was a Glenlivet 12. Twelve! Seriously?

Everything was terrible. Ted was telling one of his boring work stories, Marshall was smiling that stupid Minnesota smile, Steve's elbow was still touching hers, Lily was too busy to hang out with her yet again and _Jesus-Christ-on-a-Cracker, Barney, let the girl breathe!_

Taking a deep, calming breath, Robin touched her hair and smiled at Ted, trying to engage herself in his story. And it was going pretty well (though, frankly, nothing could make her actually care about 19th Century Croatian architecture) until Steve tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey babe, would you mind grabbing me another cider, please?" Steve asked very politely. It inexplicably made Robin want to smack him.

"Sure thing, gluten-free college girl from Oregon." She muttered, snatching his glass.

Steve's eyes darkened. "Better than needing several glasses of hard liquor each night."

"Well, sometimes you've gotta find a way to suffer the insufferable." The words left her mouth before she could stop them.

A pregnant silence passed over the table. Marshall's eyes were wide and Ted was giving her _that _look, his disappointed yet concerned Dad side-eye.

Luckily, Robin and Steve had the same instinct.

"Ha! Just kidding, I was totally just kidding." They brightly laughed and pointed at each other, overlapping in their sentiments, "No, you're awesome, you're _totally _awesome."

She kept laughing (and laughing and laughing...) as she backed away towards the bar, holding Steve's glass. Turning around and dropping it to the surface with a sigh, Robin quickly ran her hands over her face. She was on a serious edge. Trying to flag down Carl, she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder. Twisting her neck around, she looked up at Marshall's kindly smile, clearly trying out _his _Dad look.

"You doing okay?" He asked, leaning next to her. Robin blinked and smiled.

"Of course. What's up?"

"I dunno. You've seemed a little irritated since you came in. Wanted to make sure all is good in the hood."

She rolled her eyes. He was cornier than Ted sometimes. "The hood is fine, Marshall."

Marshall quirked his eyebrows together quickly. "You and Steve were kinda _mean _to each other back there. You're normally delightfully snarky and we all love that about you, but you're rarely mean unless something's up."

Robin shook her head emphatically, "It's just our caustic sense of humor. Nothing to fear, Daddio."

Marshall looked unconvinced. He glanced over at her tapping fingers. She put her other hand on top of them.

"Where's Chris these days?" Marshall asked, far too perceptively. _Goddammit_.

"I don't know and I don't care!" She snapped. "Can I just get my drinks?"

To that, Marshall simply raised his hands in surrender - and muttered "Wow, Ted was right. Do not mess with you when your face looks like that" - before walking back to the bar. Robin sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. Shit. She hadn't meant to yell at Marshall. It was _Marshall. _If anyone had better intentions than that guy, he'd probably be Santa Claus. Turning around and trying to make apologetic eye contact, her gaze instead fell on her current boyfriend. Steve was sitting in the booth, slumped over and staring into space. He looked almost broken.

She bit her lip. She hoped she didn't have too much to do with that expression.

God, she really knew how to screw things up.

Dropping her elbows onto the bar, Robin buried her head in her hands and cursed her own existence until she felt a warm presence come behind her.

"So I see you've received my latest Twitter joke." A spirited voice laughed. "The complete shut down of your central nervous system from sheer awesomeness was indeed the intended effect."

A smile crept across her lips despite herself. "I'm sorry, you're going to have to clarify." She whipped around and gave Barney the sternest look she could muster. His eyes were dancing back at her. "Every time I sign in and expect to see, say, updates from the Dow Jones index, I'm instead offered a page full of the word "vagina" tweeted at me _repeatedly_from something called a 'Bro's Life.'"

Barney snickered, "Heh! Vagina. Classic."

Robin lightly punched his arm and laughed, "I'm a serious journalist now, jerk."

"And it's a very serious subject. I think you should investigate. Maybe..." He looked around the bar and pointed out a curvaceous red head. "Hers. Specifically."

She grinned and shook her head. "You'll always be ridiculous, won't you?"

Barney scoffed. "If by 'ridiculous,' you mean 'awesome,' then affirmative."

"Good to know." Robin finally caught Carl's eye and gave him her drink order. She turned back to Barney. "I can use a little consistency these days."

"Eh," He waved her off. "Consistency is overrated. Adventure, baby, _adventure_. You and I, we're explorers at heart, going deep into all that is exciting and new."

"Well, at least I'll have some company for the ride."

"You know it." Barney's gaze softened a little and he shrugged, one of his small, almost shy smiles on his lips. The ones Robin always wanted to kiss away and show that he had no reason to be shy pretty much ever.

Blinking _that_terrible idea away with a small shudder, Robin slid Steve's drink toward her and looked around the bar. All was good in the hood, like she told Marshall. And most curiously, Barney's slutty little blonde was gone. Huh. Not that she cared, of course. It was just interesting, since Barney's success rate had been vastly improving over time. Not that she was bitter about _that_. But despite how much it didn't matter to her, her sharp tongue got the best of her as she turned back to the scotch swirling cad on her left.

"So was it your potential bedfellow's nap time or was she late for her evening bottle feed?"

Barney crinkled his eyes in amusement and chortled. "Found a Jesus pendant near her boobage area when I tried feeling her up. The Catholic guilt driven post-sex crying jags are not as sexy as they sound."

"Imagine that." Robin scrunched her nose at him, ignoring the angry, jealous bile rising in her throat. Ticking her eyes down and up quickly, she tried to smile normally. Because she was just joking with him. Of course. But Barney cocked an eyebrow at whatever it was he read in her facial expression and slowly grinned, his demeanor shifting itself towards her. And before Robin knew what was happening, his arm pressed against the bar, enclosing itself around her. He leaned ever so slightly into her, his eyes suddenly turning hot and latched onto hers.

"Besides," He was far too close, his fingers just barely grazing the edge of her blouse, and Robin's cheeks burned and her chest flushed with little regard for the consequences. Barney dipped his head toward her ear, his murmuring breath inciting every nerve-ending. "Sometimes the game of catch-and-release can be fun. Wouldn't you agree?"

She shivered and swallowed tightly, trying to slip herself away from Barney's instinctively predatory stance before she did something she regretted. But she was paralyzed. "I-I wouldn't know."

"Right." She could feel the laughter in his chest rumble and vibrate against her skin and the back of her neck tingled in waves down her spine as he just barely started tracing small circles on her outer wrist. Her toes curling and all of her thoughts fuzzing into insensibility (_flashing to that night a year ago, his fingers ripping at her buttons, his mouth moving down her neck, his breath frantic and heavy on her breasts_), Robin used her boyfriend's glass (_she had a boyfriend, she had a boyfriend, she had a boyfriend_) to separate their closing bodies and smiled a little shakily, trying to appear as composed and normal as possible.

Barney snapped back. His stance was relaxed and bored. Robin even temporarily wondered if she had imagined the change and the sudden searing heat to begin with. (He was that good.)

But there was still a distinct challenge in the corner of his eye, letting Robin know _very _well how he felt about her demonstrating any sign of unwarranted jealousy. It was a little teasing, a lot angry, and more than desirous. She swallowed again. It wasn't the right time to deal with it. And even if whatever it was still existed, it didn't mean anything. Barney loved goading her into frenzies. Hell, he loved goading _anyone _into anything. He was Dionysus in another life, he thrived on disorder.

It was why he and Quinn were so perfect for each other.

(That thought brought her exactly where she needed to be.)

Pushing her shoulders back, Robin gave him her best reporter smile. "Well, I think it's time to mix things up and maybe give me a few 'penises' in your tweets from now on. Mama needs her sugar."

Barney's gaze didn't move. "Oh, I know."

Trying to roll her eyes with an uncertain laugh and pretending that it was one of his normal innuendos with absolutely no hidden meanings, Robin gave him a quick smile and walked back to the table, her legs trembling and all too aware of his laser stare following her. Sitting down, she cracked some joke to the booth denizens, attempting to restore some equilibrium to the universe.

(She ignored the blank look Steve gave her as she twisted her arm around his.)

There were still a few more hours in the day. She could still turn it around. It would be fine. It would be good.

(She especially ignored the sight of Barney pinching the bridge of his nose for a few moments before striding purposefully over to the red head.)

(_Ugh. Fucking November._)

It was only just beginning.

...

Barney truly didn't understand the gang's hatred of "November" as a construct.

He mused on that as he sat at the booth on Friday afternoon, sipping a beer. Ted had just finished bitching about his love life (_shocking_) and Lily was moaning about Marvin's teething, saying that it was to be expected that it would start up during 'this damned cur of a month' (Marshall had apparently started crying in the middle of the night when Marvin wouldn't shut up. Like, sobbing with snot running down his face. That made Barney laugh and he quickly discovered that was the _wrong_reaction.) Frankly, though, from Barney's perspective, every month was just a month. November was no different. Yes, it was the beginning of winter. Yes, his father had walked out of his life during an Indian Summer'd November day when he was a child. And yes, it was on three separate November eves that he and Robin broke up and she rejected him and they almost had a child together-

_Okay._

(He took a large gulp of his beer, trying not to think about his idiotic out-of-body experience from the day before where he had totally freaked her out and she clearly thought was so...lame. And probably creepy.)

The point was, if you got too caught up in the logistics of shitty things, it made it all the more difficult to pretend shitty things _weren't actually happening_. That's what the gang needed a refresher on. Plus, he had a lot of stuff going on that they could focus on instead of the shambles of their personal lives.

Take, for instance, the issue he was having with his phone. He had in his possession the newest iPhone, not even released to the public (thanks to his definitely-not-blackmailed pals in Silicon Valley.) For all intents and purposes, he should be golden, right? Bro, you couldn't be more wrong. It was a sad fact that a man was judged not on the appearance and quality of his phone, but rather on the content of his phone's _apps_. And in that regard, Barney would admit aloud to no one, he was sorely lacking. Thus, he needed to rally his troops together and create a roundtable - bright minds sharing ideas, with Ted and Lily telling him exactly what iPhone apps he needed in order to be on the cutting edge once more. They would cheer him on and present him with a laminated list and Lily would wink at him and rub her hand down his arm, saying "Go get 'em, tiger."

... And then he would, of course, do the exact opposite of their advice. Because really? Come on.

Opening his mouth to propose his idea to his still chatting friends/reverse-think-tanks, the momentum was quickly knocked out of him as Steve burst into the bar and excitedly slapped his hand on the table.

Barney rolled his eyes. _Figures_.

"Is Robin here?" He was practically panting. Why Robin consistently went for men who resembled dogs was completely beyond Barney. Someone should just buy her a puppy and then he wouldn't have to deal with this crap. To answer Steve, he simply gestured sarcastically towards the empty booth.

Lily answered characteristically and lamely. "Nope. Sorry. I think she's still at work."

Steve sat down and bounced excitedly. "Good! I have a huge surprise for her and I wanted to be here before she arrived."

"A surprise?" Ted inclined his head towards Steve condescendingly. "Robin hates surprises. Did you definitely think this through?"

Steve laughed, "No, this is a good surprise. A really good one. Better than if I brought in a Vancouver Canuck." He looked up and shook his head, tilting his flat hand back and forth. "Equivalent."

"It's a person?" Lily leaned in. "Color me intrigued!"

Barney snorted. Lily was always intrigued. And he was certain that Steve's lame surprise was probably exactly that.

"I'm so excited." Steve leaned back and smiled a little hesitantly, mostly talking to Lily. "Things have been a little weird lately, you know?" Barney was surprised to see Lily nod her head sympathetically. Whatever. Like he cared. "And it's probably my fault because _I've _been a little weird lately."

(Barney couldn't help himself. He muttered: "Lately?" Of course, Lily immediately shushed him.)

Steve sighed. "I hope this will get things back on track. I think she'll be really excited that I did this for her."

"I'm sure she will be." Lily beamed. Barney and Ted exchanged a quick look. _Douche_.

"All right." Ted crossed his arms. "Well, as Robin's best friends, it's our duty to determine whether or not your surprise is and will be up to par. So spill. Give us the deets."

Steve shook his head. "Nope. No way. Can't risk any of you-" He looked pointedly at Lily "-giving it away for Robin. You'll see soon enough! He's already on his way."

And suddenly, for some reason, something about what Steve said resonated in Barney's core. Snapping his neck up, his stomach churned with perhaps unfounded dread. But no, it actually _wasn't _unfounded because his instincts were impeccably well-honed after years of learning women's vulnerabilities.

Something about this rang danger.

"He?"

Before Steve could respond, though, Robin walked in and shook off her wet umbrella. Barney stared into his drink as the reporter greeted everyone and gave Steve a hello kiss. (No need for an audience.) When all was clear, he sneaked a glance at her. She offered him a bright smile and though his insides gelled together a bit in their usual way, he was also immensely relieved. Robin wasn't holding anything against him.

He came back into the conversation on the tail end of Steve teasing his surprise to her. He repressed a snort as her eyes went wide and she started shaking her head.

"No, no, no. I don't like surprises, Steve." She took his hand. "Whatever you did, just tell me now."

Steve laughed. "C'mon, Paranoid. It's going to be great. I promise." His phone dinged and he looked up at Robin with an excitedly gaping mouth. "Just a moment! Pardonne-moi!"

"French sucks!" Barney called after him, making Robin suppress a laugh-snort. As soon as Steve disappeared onto the street though, she was all business. Leaning across the table, Robin stared Lily down.

"Tell me everything." She insisted. Lily waved her hands helplessly.

"I don't know! Someone must have told him I'm terrible at keeping secrets because he wouldn't crack." Lily gave Robin puppy dog eyes. "I honestly don't know what he's done. I know it's a person and a man, but I have no idea who it could be. But-but-but he's so excited, so I'm sure that whatever or whoever it is, it will be great."

Robin leaned back in the booth and crossed her arms, looking unconvinced. Barney bit the inside of his mouth and restrained his own worries. He actually did have an idea of who was going to walk through that door and he _prayed_that he would be wrong. Because it wouldn't exactly be great, like Steve was so decidedly insisting.

But like a horrible prophecy being fulfilled, Barney watched helplessly as Steve ushered the stranger into the bar. Robin's eyes widened and her body stiffened, every hair on her arm standing straight up. Small beads of sweat appeared quickly on her brow as her breathing demonstrably sped up. She turned her gaze firmly onto the stern and mustachioed man standing by Steve's beaming side.

Barney didn't need a formal introduction to guess who he was. And from the concerned looks on Ted and Lily's faces, neither did they.

The man turned his steely eyes to Robin with a bored, almost disdainful expression.

"Hello, RJ."

Robin swallowed and squeaked a little before taking a deep breath. "Dad."

Her father circled the booth over to stand directly beside his daughter. While he looked her up and down with a critical eye, Barney's hand instinctively went up to his mouth and his eyes narrowed - his defenses on high alert.

"Honestly, RJ. Your posture is abysmal. Sit up straight and push your shoulders back."

Barney officially wanted to cold-clock the asshole.

And when Robin's eyes widened again and she immediately lengthened, pushing her shoulders as far past her neck as they could go and mumbled quick apologies under her breath, Barney actually considered contacting his go-to sniper. (Yeah, he had a _sniper_.)

"Ooookay." Lily laughed nervously and stuck her hand out. "Well, I'm Lily Aldrin. I''m Robin's best friend and gal-about-town."

Robin Sr. did not respond to Lily's small joke and only barely shook her hand, as though the red head was offering him vermin. The rest of the pleasantries and introductions went about as well, with Barney acknowledging the older man with as little respect as he could get away with, Ted going overboard in trying to make everyone comfortable, and Steve still beaming like an unaware idiot. Barney wasn't sure why or how Steve had managed to bring the one person Robin was completely unprepared to face into the bar, but he didn't really care. He should have known better or at the very least not assumed that everyone's home life is as happy-go-lucky and perfect as the huggy and smiley Lowell household was bound to be. Even Marshall was more sensitive than this. Heck, even _Barney _himself was more sensitive than this.

"You must be so proud of your daughter." Lily commented a little too brightly. "I mean, she's a lead anchor on the largest international news channel. That's a pretty big deal.

Robin Sr. nodded curtly. "Yes, yes. Her accomplishments of late are admittedly quite impressive." Robin beamed with surprise and put her hand to her heart, just about to open her mouth to respond. "But her blouses are far too low cut. In my day, newsmen were men of honor, not Red Light District advertisements."

Robin deflated.

"Yes, true... I-I guess." Ted quickly shifted in. "But come on, you must have seen the heroic Helicopter Landing of 2012! I'm sure a keen outdoors-man and aero-enthusiast such as yourself must have felt something akin to pride when she touched down at the airport."

"Again, it was indeed impressive. Though I taught RJ basic helicopter maintenance when she was quite young so it would have been insulting if she couldn't land it. You see, son, the trick is to understand the engine's blah blah blah I'm a giant toolbag blah blah blah I have dandruff in my mustache blah blah blah-"

(Okay. So maybe that's not what he really said. But seriously, the dude was pissing Barney off and there were few things more _boring_in the world than the engineering of helicopters.)

As Barney overheard the elder Robin Charles commenting on the "low-rent watering hole" that was MacLaren's, he noted Robin's suspicious and concerning silence. She had barely said a word during the entire conversation, despite Steve's encouraging nods and smiles and obnoxious elbow nudges. Leaning in towards the table, Barney looked at her out of his peripheral vision. When she turned toward him, he caught her empty gaze and gave her a hesitant eyebrow raise. He hoped she would still understand the unasked question. She answered by biting the inside of her cheek and offering him a tight, manic smile.

_Shit._

And then apparently Steve was talking. "-the shock when I saw the keynote speaker at our meeting was named 'Robin Scherbatsky'! I thought my Robin was pulling some kind of prank on me, to be honest, because what are the odds? But after meeting and speaking to Mr. Scherbatsky for a few moments, it was pretty clear who he was."

"So you decided to bring him here. To the bar. Without warning." The edge in Lily's voice mirrored the one rising in Barney's chest.

"When this young man explained that he was courting my daughter, I saw that I had no choice in the matter but to introduce myself to the social circle that she blathers on about all the time. " _Stab. Stab. Stab. _Barney grabbed the table's knife and dug it into his place mat as Robin's dad spoke. Robin was still vacantly smiling and was perhaps not even listening to what her father was saying.

Robin Sr. hardly contained a sneer as he looked around the table. "And you all are as... _expected_." He turned to Steve with a decidedly Scherbatsky eyebrow wrinkle. "Though the sentimentality of the 'surprise' was entirely this gentleman's idea."

"Well, you said you hadn't been able to see her last time you were in New York." Steve offered. Robin suddenly shot up with adrenaline and stared at her father, her eyes confused.

"Wait." She held up her hand. "When wereyou in New York last? Why are you even coming to New York?"

Robin Sr. glared at his daughter. "RJ, you must listen. Your suitor friend was just telling you that I'm working as a senior consultant for Morgan Chase's Vancouver and New York offices. It's impolite to ask for an explanation more than once."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Robin rolled her hand in the air. "I got that. What I didn't get was that you've been to New York _before._You could have called me. Even this time, you could have called me and we could have grabbed dinner. How...how many times have you been in the city?"

"In the past year? About four times. Overall, far too many to count." At his words, Robin recoiled as though burned. Barney had never seen a more child-like and vulnerable pain on her face. It reminded him of when he found out that Jerry had named his _second_son 'Jerome Jr.'

He wanted to reach for Robin's hand, but Ted beat him to it.

She smacked it away.

Off her wounded face, Robin Sr. gave an exasperated sigh. "Oh, RJ. If I called you every time I was in New York, I would never get any work done. You're always so high maintenance. We have our occasional phone chats and they're tolerable. Let it rest, eh?"

The universe stood still.

Robin appeared to move in hazy slow motion as she blinked once. Twice. Biting her thumb, she entirely closed her eyes and sniffed. The goose bumps on her arms turned white and she touched her hand to her forehead, opening her red rimmed eyes and looking around the table like she wasn't sure who she was or why she was there. Twitching, Robin slowly stood up, her arms shaking, her legs a little uneven, and her face pale and drained.

She looked around the table. Steve was interjecting something lame. Ted and Lily looked as frozen as Barney felt.

In a flash, the universe caught up and she ran out the bar door, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Robin!" Lily stood to try to chase after her, but Ted grabbed Lily's arm and pulled her back, murmuring about giving her time and space. But Barney couldn't breathe. He could barely hear anything as the world buzzed around him and his beer was suddenly entirely unappetizing. God, Steve sucked. Steve sucked so much. How dare he do this? Who the hell did he think he was? Breathing in to try to balance the world, Barney looked Steve dead on. What a chump. What an _asshole_.

And when he heard Robin Sr. say "I'm terribly sorry, she's always been quite childish," in between other narcissistic and arrogant and everything-Robin-ever-said-about-him comments, suddenly Barney felt sweltering hot and nauseated and suffocated and for the first time, he had to admit that maybe Daddy Issues really weren't so sexy. And he would make damned sure that man would pay. Robin's father had no idea what Barney was capable of. If she would let him, he'd see to it that the man was considered _persona non grata _within every major stock exchange and get him arrested under child pornography violation laws. And possibly tortured by the North Koreans. Hell, that would just be all in a day's work.

Honestly, though, if he could get away with it, he would take off his tie right there and now to strangle both Steve and Robin's dad in a swift move. No jury would convict him after hearing the story.

Pulling harshly at his jacket sleeves, Barney cleared his throat loudly. Vehemently. He turned slowly, dangerously to Steve.

"Why couldn't you have just left well enough alone?" The words were quiet bullets against his teeth. Steve's mouth opened and closed like a fish and Barney briefly registered Ted saying 'C'mon, Barney.' But no. No. _No_. He would not 'come on.' What he would do was leave. He _had_to leave. He had to find Robin. He obviously knew where she went and if he left now, he'd be able to catch up with her and do...something.

"Fuck it, I'm going after her." Grabbing his coat and tuning out Steve's sputtering explanations and Ted's cowardly placation of Robin Sr. roaring about Barney's use of an expletive and Lily's darting scared eyes, Barney stormed out of the bar and held his hand out at the curb.

...

It took longer for a taxi to stop for him than he was hoping. Grimacing, Barney pulled out his phone and dialed Ranjit's number, hoping the delightful man would answer and change his route around. Unfortunately, when faced with a busy signal, Barney was forced to call his personal work driver. Sergio would _not_be happy about this.

But it was worth it.

After getting the necessary information to Serg, Barney pulled out a cigarette and lit up. The ground was wet and the air was cold; when he breathed out, he wasn't sure how much was smoke and how much was his own visible breath. He had been smoking a lot more lately, but screw it. Everyone in the gang had their vices and they all needed their escapes. Ted was practically a squealing college girl if you put a rose-flavored hookah in front of him, so no one was going to judge him for his occasional indulgence anytime soon.

His eyes shut closed in annoyance as a forceful tap on his shoulder broke him out of his thoughts.

Turning around, he began: "Look, Ted, I know you think-"

Only it wasn't Ted. It was a very pissed off Steve standing in front of him, his arms crossed and his grin sarcastic.

"Got a minute, _buddy_?" Steve spat out. "I think we need to chat."

"I have nothing to say to you." Barney blew smoke onto Steve's shoes.

"Yeah, don't care." Steve looked up from his shoes and back to Barney's face, his eyes fervid and angry. "Because I have a few things to say to you. Ever since I met you, you have been nothing but snippy and antagonistic towards me. And you know what? That was fine. Robin said that's just how you are and I could deal with it. Even when it was clear that you didn't think I was good enough for her or something."

"Someone sprained a brain muscle to reach that conclusion, didn't he?" Barney rolled his eyes. Steve pointed at him, rounding closer.

"But it didn't matter because Robin was with me and _she_ had deemed me worthy. But today, you embarrass me in front of her friends and made me look like the villain when all I was trying to do was make a nice day for her. How was I supposed to know that there was animosity or a nasty history with her father? We've only been dating for two months. And instead of trying to be, I don't know, understanding that all I wanted was the best for her, _you_shit all over my good intentions yet again."

"You shit all over yourself." Barney snapped. "What kind of self-satisfied ass brings a father to meet up with his own daughter as a surprise? Did it not occur to you that, hey, it's a little weird Mr. Scherbatsky didn't do this himself? Or that Robin seemed to have no fucking clue he was in town?"

"I have been nothing but nice to you all. I care about Robin." Steve's arguments were running out of steam. _Good_. And thankfully, Sergio pulled up right then, his long Russian face sullen from the unexpected weekend intrusion. Throwing his cigarette butt on the ground, Barney glared at Steve through the sides of his eyes.

"Frankly, Steve, _nice_has never been enough to impress me. But I have bigger things to worry about than your hurt feelings. Go cry to Lily about big mean Barney."

Turning around to open the door to his Lincoln town car, Barney felt invigorated. For once, he had something on one of Robin's boyfriends. For once, _he_ wasn't the screw up. For once, he was the one going to find Robin, to comfort her and to help her through a shitty time. He got to play the hero, even marginally and to the smallest, most meaningless extent. It didn't matter. Selfishly, Barney had to admit that nothing had ever felt more _awesome_.

Then he made the mistake of looking back at Steve one more time. The tall jock's shoulders were slumped and his hands were in his pockets. He looked guilty and sad and everything Barney usually felt in his dealings with the woman in question. A flicker of pity swept through his stomach.

"I only wanted to make things right between us. To be a good guy, like she deserves."

And then Barney was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of lying, tired of pretending that he wasn't struggling every damn day and most of all, that Robin wasn't at the center of it all rather than his broken engagement or his abandonment issues or whatever he pulled out of his ass when Lily questioned him too hard. So with a rueful laugh and stepping into the car, Barney simply shook his head and laid it out there.

"Yeah, well. Join the club."

Steve just stared at him, not saying a word. Barney slammed the door and watched as Steve continued to stare at the ground, looking more pensive and serious than he ever would have given the guy credit for. Sighing, Barney leaned back against the black leather and gave Sergio the address to the shooting range.

He really _didn't_ have time to worry about Steve.


	7. Chapter Five Pt 2

_**Chapter 5 - November 8th through November 10th, 2012**_

...

_You're up on the bar and you're shaking_  
_With every grimy word_  
_"Who will love? What's love when you've hurt?"_

...

Narrowing her eye at the full-body target, Robin cocked the safety off and pounded three rounds into its heart.

_Take that, Dad. You want high-maintenance? Oh, I'll show you high maintenance._

Another shot to the head.

_This just in, WWN reporter finally reaps her just rewards._

To the torso.

_Millions cheer._

To the kneecap.

_No one gives a shit that Robin Scherbatsky Sr. was found dead on the street._

To the other kneecap.

_Reports say he was a miserable and selfish old bastard who deserved it._

And back to the heart again.

Putting the glock down onto the range shelf, Robin wiped at her eyes under her shields. God, why now? What had she done _now_ to make this to pop back up again? Everything had been fine. Yes, Steve was being weird and distant and Robin had been throwing herself into her work to try to ignore the fact that she had never really felt lonelier in her life. But that was standard November fare. She could deal with that and suck it up and press onward and upwards. Every other action and change could be attributed to weird weather patterns or shifting dynamics. But this? Being confronted with her father's crap and realizing that she was still just a sad little girl dressing up in big girl pants? No. She couldn't do it. Not now. Not again.

She grabbed the gun and pulled out another magazine. She was still a few more rounds away from getting from "mind-numbingly miserable" to plain old "terrible." Maybe followed by another scotch bender. Alcohol had become a good friend over the past few weeks since her suspicions about...whatever regarding Chris had ramped up. And honestly, having to listen to the Robot Song every day in the bar would literally drive anyone to drink.

(Though, if she were honest with herself, there was still a recurring featured player flashing across her eyes every time she reached for her third scotch of the night, still trying to reach that elusive ten thousandth drink which actually came and went years ago. And the flashes showed no signs of slowing down or stopping and, in fact, even seemed to be increasing as it became less and less clear why they weren't together.)

(But she didn't really like being honest with herself.)

Besides, her liver hadn't sustained much damage during her college days, so it was about time. Her father taught her how to drink whiskey when she was fifteen years old and she was a learned student. He at least had to give her that.

Shooting the gun again and feeling some practically insignificant amount of relief course through her, she fleetingly pitied her poor friends who were probably stuck entertaining the old coot. Ted was probably being absurdly sycophantic and maybe Lily had recruited Marshall so she felt a little less out of her element, because God knew _Barney_ wasn't going to be any help in that regard. And her father would love Marshall, in all his good-ol'-boy genuineness. The sad thing was, whenever men sought her father's approval, they usually got it. It was only her efforts that went ignored.

She shot at the target with a wild holler and smashed the gun onto the ground. Placing her hand on her head, she took a deep breath. _Shitty shitty shit shit_. That was dumb. She hadn't even put the safety back on. Only her father could bring out poor gun maintenance from her.

Reaching down to pick it up, her face nearly came in direct contact with shiny black Italian leather shoes. Startled, Robin fell back and yelped a little. Grabbing the gun and quickly standing up, she pointed it directly at the intruder.

"Sorry!" Barney backed away, his hands in the air. Robin just looked at him, a sudden warmth percolating in the smallest part of her chest. "I didn't know you were back here, so I couldn't find you until I heard, well, the yelling a-and _clearly_ I should've known better than to sneak up on you."

The warmth in Robin's chest spread through her rib cage and down to her tingling fingers and toes. Barney had come. He was checking on her. He was making sure she was all right. He really cared about her and really wanted to be her friend, even despite all the shit. He was here. God, he was _here_. Maybe it was her vulnerability and her sore wounds talking, but nothing eased and soothed her insecurities more than the sight of Barney Stinson standing in front of her. Everyone always let her down, most especially her family, but what did that matter when the one man who could make all the crap of the day's crappiness fade into the background was actually here. Her best friend.

Her _best_ friend.

Hoping she wouldn't freak him out (and honestly not actually caring if she did), Robin slowly placed her gun down and took two quick steps towards the blonde and threw her arms around him in the tightest hug she could muster. Resting her cheek against the cool and smooth silk of his suit and breathing in his (really, truly) incredible and familiar smell of cologne and Marlboro's and something uniquely Barney, Robin closed her eyes and rested against his strong, still chest.

For the first few moments, Barney didn't move. But luckily for her, it didn't take him long to catch up, taking barely a moment to go from hesitantly patting her back to enveloping her whole frame in his arms with all his strength, his head dipping into the crook of her neck.

And as they just stayed there like that for a moment, before the inevitable awkwardness and defensiveness was bound to creep in, Robin couldn't help but think that it was all going to be okay.

...

She wasn't really sure how they ended up at the cigar bar.

Not that she was complaining, mind you. But when she and Barney got together and did their own thing, one could never tell how or where the night would end. And in her opinion, the nights where they stayed at the lush and rich bar on the Upper East Side and talked for hours over fine scotch and Cubans and Hondurans and whatever new exotic brand the bar offered were her absolute favorites. Maybe in the _world_ even, rather than solely in the category of Bro'ings About With Barney. She blew smoke rings from her premium Camacho and grinned. He was at the bar, springing for a limited edition bottle of the Blue Label, and she felt entirely in her element. Leaning back against the plush, smooth leather of the ornate chair, Robin sighed happily. She had gone from "miserable" to "terrible" to "pretty damn okay" in zero to sixty. In fact, everything was starting to look pretty great from where she sat.

Of course, she was still angry with her father. But that was the thing about being with Barney. He didn't push. He didn't advise. He didn't even comment. He would simply pour the scotch and light her cigar and let her rant until her face turned blue with nary a moment's hesitation or inappropriate interjection. Of all the men in her life, he may not have always been the best at saying the exact right thing at the exact right time, but he was certainly the greatest at knowing when to shut the hell up.

She smirked. She imagined that Lily would give her a patented incredulous stare if Robin tried to tell her that one. But Lily's relationship with him was different. It wasn't that Barney didn't love and respect her (in fact it was likely, if not certain, that he respected Lily more than any other woman in the world). They just weren't friends in that tightly bonded, knowing-each-other's-darkest-secrets, understanding-each-other's-crazy-ticks-and-kinks sorta way that Barney and Robin were. And selfishly, she kinda liked it like that. She liked having parts of Barney to herself and offering him parts of her that she didn't let anyone else in on. She liked having someone to know her down to her subtlest movements and her silliest and weirdest thoughts and she liked having someone else to know just as well right back. Barney was a crazy character and so was she. They were dynamic and shining and fun whenever they got together, so it made sense that they got together often and apart from the others. Larger than life, he would always say with a bright smile and a raised glass.

Of course, their friendship had taken more than a few hits along the way. And things certainly weren't perfect yet. Her eyebrows quirked as her mind went to several dark places in a quick succession.

Taking a long drag of the pure Maduro, Robin shook her head free of her nasty, mocking, _reminding_ thoughts. They were fine. They were better than they'd ever been. If she had any doubts whether they were still best friends, Barney showing up at the shooting range had clarified it entirely.

(And she didn't want or expect anything more than that anymore, Nagging Voice, so just _shut up_.)

Her confused thoughts disintegrated when Barney sat down opposite her and handed her a glass with one ice cube. She smiled. Just how she liked it.

"This is the King George?" She examined the color and smelled the wafting fumes. It was heady and rich and stung the tip of her nose delightfully. Scotch was the same kind of perfect pain as getting your ass smacked or your hair pulled during sex. Jarring at first but then heightening and rough and deeply layered in pleasures. It was really no wonder both she and Barney gravitated towards the strong liquor almost daily. You know, considering.

(Shit, now she was blushing. _Get it together, Scherbatsky_.)

If Barney had noticed the shift in her body temperature, he didn't let on. "The one and only. Well, the fifth King George, historically speaking. But it's the only non-single that's ever lived up to my tastes. I've had it once before. Not a cheap hooker of a bottle, let me tell you."

"You and your tyranny against blended scotch." She clucked her tongue. "A snob's opinion, I still maintain."

"Spoken like someone who grew up on Canadian whiskey,_I_ still maintain."

"You tried it and you _liked_ it, you dirty boy."

Barney's eyes quickly ducked away from her, his expression unreadable. Robin bit her lip and suddenly felt an anxious pit in her stomach she couldn't quite explain. And the silence, just a moment too long, was a little less than comfortable. But as soon as the dip in the conversational flow appeared, it fell away as Barney looked back at her with a trademarked grin.

"Well, come on. It's not a museum relic. To the drinking!"

He lifted his glass up and Robin laughed, clinking hers against his and responding in kind. She took a sip and nodded her head appreciatively.

"Mmmm. That's good. That's _real_ good."

"Right? See why I saved it? When life kicks you in the crotch, you need those crucial reminders that just down the street, there's bound to be a glorious luxury waiting to soothe your aching balls." Barney took a small sip himself and verbalized his appreciation with a long vowel sound. Robin tilted her head and pressed her lips together in an amused smirk. _So ridiculous_.

"My father would kill for this drink. And this ambiance." Robin's mood plummeted. To be expected, she supposed. "Bastard doesn't know what he's missing out on by not bonding with me."

"I concur." Barney responded simply, reaching for a cigar. He went for an old school Cuban. An aged Partagas No. 4, classic and spicy. She still wasn't sure how the club had access.

"Really, though. He and I have so much in common, mostly because he ingrained so much of himself into me. And the thing is, I tried giving all of that up via music career, but I couldn't because I actually enjoyed it all. That's what's so damn frustrating about it, you know?" She took a shaking gulp of the Johnnie Walker and looked over at Barney. He merely peered at her from under heavy brows and nodded, taking a long drag and blowing the smoke away from her.

"I would be a great daughter. Not just in general! I would be the best daughter ever to Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Sr. because I kick serious ass!" Robin ran her fingers through her long hair and breathed in a deep gulp of cigar smoke. "But it doesn't matter. He won't love me unless I get sex reassignment surgery." She scrunched her nose. "Well, no. Probably not. He's kind of a bigot. Plus, I love my vagina."

Barney chuckled at that and winked. Robin tucked her hair behind her ear self-consciously and blinked heavily, looking down into her tumbler.

"I thought it would go differently. My relationship with him, I mean. I thought it had a fighting chance. Hanging out with people like Ted... it's hard not to become a bit of an optimist yourself, you know?" She peered into his eyes, looking for a real answer. Because if anyone could understand that, it was him. She was right. Barney's face drained color a little. He swallowed and nodded slowly.

Robin sighed and continued. "But I've obviously been kidding myself. I was right to cut him out of my life a few years ago because I-I'm kinda great and if he doesn't see that, screw him. Maybe I'm actually starting to see that now. Maybe his approval doesn't really mean so much anymore. Maybe I just have to approve of myself?"

Barney shrugged. But his eyes were shining and the pride she wanted once (still) wanted so badly to see in her father's eyes looked right back at her. Of course, it wasn't the first time Barney had shown in his small ways that he was proud of her, as her bro and her friend and her equal. All of her friends demonstrated pride in her all the time. And though it seemed like she took it for granted, it always felt _really_ good.

Robin laughed a little sadly. "You know, I think everything that happened with you and Jerome screwed me up the most. You and I have always been so similar and dealing with this together that..."

She trailed off a little and looked away from him, sipping her scotch with embarrassment.

"That when things with Jerry worked out, I thought that maybe my time was around the corner. I thought maybe my father would go through a similar transformation. Only instead of going from Crazy Jerry to Suburban Dad, he'd go from Cold, Heartless Asshole to Loving, Caring Parent."

Blowing her hair out of her face, Robin leaned back and sucked on the edge of her cigar. "Such a waste."

"We can share him." Barney's voice barely registered and she look over at him, not sure what he was referring to. "Be the weirdest brother and sister duo in the world. Jerry would be thrilled. He thinks you're a very nice girl."

"Hmmm." She tapped her chin mock-pensively. "I think I've played your sister once or twice in one of your Playbook schemes in the past, so it probably wouldn't be too difficult. Excepting, you know, the whole 'incest' thing."

"Fine, we'll be kissing cousins instead. Just gotta make sure I can still cop a feel now and again." Barney put his hand to his heart. "In the name of family."

"Of course." They both laughed as they always did and fell into an even more routine companionable silence. It was nice. Different than when she was with Steve, their minds completely locked on their own things. When she was alone with Steve, she may as well have been alone. Being alone with Barney was still very much being with Barney. In a cozy, comfy way.

Barney blew a few smoke rings then and cleared his throat a little.

"It's-" He began and stumbled a little, stitching his eyebrows together in deep thought. "It's not as simple as it seemed, you know."

Robin's chest tightened, "Oh, Barney, I wasn't trying to imply it wasn't-"

He waved her off. "I know what you meant. You're right. My dad is a good guy and I'm lucky to be establishing some sort of relationship with him now. And I don't wish your relationship with your father on my worst enemy. Or even _Matthew Panning_." Barney's mouth sneered in disgust as he recalled his childhood bully's name. "But the thing is...it doesn't change how I grew up. It-it-it doesn't change me. I'm not any better off."

Robin gave him a questioning look and Barney sighed dramatically, finishing his scotch in one long swig and pouring another glass, clearly already uncomfortable with the trajectory of the conversation.

"Yeah, I have a relationship with my biological father. Great. But it doesn't change who I am and everything that's, you know, _wrong_ with me. It wasn't a magic fix. Not that I really expected it to be but..."

"You did a little." Robin finished, her heart imploding at the familiarity of it. She knew better than anyone how destructive and disappointing it could be to tie your identity and self-worth to the whims of a parent.

Barney twitched his head in a slight nod and closed his eyes, scratching the skin above his high cheekbone with a scowl. He opened his mouth to say something and then clamped it shut tight, tightening his grip on his glass. Robin sighed and simply reached for his hand. It remained limp in her palm, save for the slight curling of his pinky.

Taking in Barney's profile with a murmur against her chest, her mind flashed to a year earlier when he had declared that she was "almost as much of a mess" as he was. At the time, it felt like resignation to their fates, that being together meant they would never reach their own potentials and remaining floundering in the dirt with one another. It hadn't been appealing.

But over the past few weeks or days or maybe it was the culmination of every year she knew him, Robin considered for the first time that maybe, just maybe, she had misunderstood him. Maybe this, this conversation right here, was what he was talking about. That they understood each other, that they didn't judge each other. That they could grow together and support each other, because if anyone knew how much the other struggled and needed warmth and love, it was them. That they were kindred spirits. And maybe he was just woefully unable to put it in those terms, because he was just as scared of revealing himself as she was.

She swallowed away a cynical laugh. That wasn't technically true. He definitely wasn't_as_scared. He'd at least attempted. Robin was always the one running away with her tail between her legs. She was even pretty sure that she was the one who pushed him away all those years ago. Somehow. (God, she sucked so much.)

She squeezed his hand tightly, not really sure what she was trying to communicate. But her unprovoked and surprisingly sentimental action seemed to incite new drive in Barney. He sat up straight and turned to her, taking her other hand in his as well while gently rubbing his thumbs against her skin.

"Look, I didn't mean to turn the conversation to my problems because we both know that no one has time for that crap." He smiled a little and tried to laugh, though he was clearly nervous, his eyes flitting about everywhere but her face. "It's just that the one thing I've learned since, well, _everything_, is that you don't only get stuck with what you're given. Family can come from unexpected places and can mean whatever you want and can be _who_ever you want. So yeah, screw your dad for, like, ever. Because that's not family. Not really."

Sighing a little, Barney gently squeezed her hands again and leaned back in the chair, picking up his cigar and shaking his head. He bit his lip and laughed harshly. "Or whatever. It's not important."

He clearly thought he said the wrong thing again and in a way, he was correct. But only insofar as Robin had cried more times over the past few weeks than she had in her entire lifetime and now, with his words, her eyes and chest were threatening to unleash yet another outpouring.

God, if only he knew how _much_ that was the right thing to say. She knew exactly what he meant. Her entire life she had floundered, searching for a place where she belonged in the world and it wasn't until the autumn of 2005 that she finally found a home. Her friends, all the five of them together, they were more than each other's bosom buddies - they were her touchstones and her grounding, keeping her naturally adrift spirit firmly in place without ever suffocating her in the way her mother did and without dismissing her like her father. And somehow, in the thick of it all, without warning and defying any reasonable expectation, Barney had ended up at the center.

Taking in several ragged breaths, she stared at Barney and felt gratitude swell in her heart. Breathing was difficult and expressing herself always more so. She had to show him that he was right, that she agreed, and that he had captured the essence of her redemption and all that encompassed her ongoing journey of self-discovery and the roles they played for each other so simply and so perfectly. She had to show him how much she cared and how much he had changed her world by just being him.

She considered kissing him for all he was worth. Which was _so much_.

But then a better (and less confusing and weird) idea sprung to the front of her mind. Leaning into him a little, she conjured up a bright smile and ran her finger down his suit jacket.

"You know what I really wanna do right now?"

And his eyebrows went up right on cue.

...

Ducking below a strobe light and a barricade, adrenaline and joy pumped through Robin's veins as she held the plastic gun between her hands. Barney was running after a 17-year-old out way past curfew, hollering at Robin to "Duck and cover, Scherbatsky!" as he characteristically tackled the teenager to the ground with no shame. Cackling out a surprisingly wild laugh, Robin crawled across the floor and shot invisible bullets at the teen's friends who were attempting an ambush from behind. Her back against Barney's, they rose in tandem, holding their guns up in a defensive stance.

"The rats are crawling everywhere." She muttered to him behind her neck, scanning the joint for surprise attacks. Barney huffed and gestured with his hands like an umpire. Robin smirked. "Good call. Split up, meet back at the alcove."

Barney spun around and glared at her, making several angry signals, ending with a middle finger straight up in the air. Robin laughed and backed up against him to dodge a stray laser. They had developed their non-verbal code the first time they came to the 24-hour Queens arena (Barney had been in genuine religion-based awe when he saw it) and realized they were dealing with brutally obsessed high school Call of Duty nerds as opposed to the usual birthday parties and pre-teens. Barney took the Silent Code just as seriously as the rest of his codes, but Robin tended to screw up and would translate his meanings aloud.

"Oh, right. Sorry." Robin rolled her eyes when Barney gestured wildly yet again at her words. "I know, I know, I always miss the point. No need to get testy."

He cocked an annoyed eyebrow at her barely contained giggles and Robin straightened, remembering to take the game seriously. It was important to Barney and so it was important to her too. Plus, he had been a total "bro" tonight, as he would say. She owed him her fullest gratitude and her lowest level of sarcastic mockery, along with so much more that she couldn't bear to consider at the moment. They were having fun and that was enough.

Gesturing to him that they would dart off in the countdown of five then meet at the left alcove to get the kids off their track, Barney nodded tersely and snapped his fingers out one by one against his thigh. As soon as the fifth one touched his hip, they bolted apart, screaming at the top of their lungs and attacking all in their path.

The little rats scurried away in fear. Barney's fury and drive was enviable and overpowering against the weaklings. And Robin was still the quickest and most accurate shot this side of the Mississippi. (If you didn't count the kids from Japan. They were _freakishly_ good.)

Finally falling on top of him behind the alcove, both out of breath, Barney's hands grabbed firmly onto her waist and glee broke through on his own face. They had massacred the last of the brats and Barney offered her a 'silent-five.' Raising her hand quietly in the air and the immediately making a joking 'shush!' face, Robin couldn't even remember being upset to begin with as she laughed and dropped her head onto his shoulder through his cries of triumph.

And when his pointer finger slowly traced itself down her jaw line to tilt up at him and his eyes quizzically and encouragingly attached themselves to hers and he slowly brushed her hair away from her face, she couldn't remember _anything_.

Her eyelashes were touching the tips of her cheeks and she was leaning in, his lips only a hairsbreadth away from hers. Robin's blood surged from her heart and it was there that she knew that this was right and everything she wanted and he wanted it too and all the questioning and searching was done, _kaput_ because they were sorealtogether and it was finally working, until...

Someone kicked the back of her head and sharply pulled her hair.

"Ow! What the _hell_?" She hollered, standing up and pushing a very startled Barney away from her in pain. A young gothed-out teenager spat on her shoe and yelled something about 'death to the gentrified interlopers' before firing his gun at her heart enough times to 'kill' her and running away. Barney shot up in a flash, his eyes furious and his mouth gaping. He turned back between Robin and the kid several times before wrinkling his eyebrows at her.

"You okay?" He asked, going to touch her head but seeming to think better of it. Robin nodded and turned to him with new determination and a knowing smirk.

"Got any more tokens?" She cocked her gun. Barney's whole face lit up.

"What _up_, Scherbatsky." He smirked and turned deadly serious. "Let's get that grody little bastard."

Slapping their hands together with gusto, the two of them raged on for another hour or so before pouring themselves into a cab, talking and joking and laughing until she once again had to admit that Barney had the funniest way of making the worst situations in the world the most tolerable and fun she could imagine.

(And if she caught his jaw muscles flicking in frustration as he exited the car, she tried not to let it mean anything.)

...

The taxi dropped Barney off fifteen minutes before it rounded her CPW apartment building. Stifling a yawn as she handed the driver a couple of twenties, Robin glanced at the digital clock along the radio._6 AM and all is well_. She grimaced. Thank god it was Sunday or she would have been in serious trouble at the station. Even though she and Sandy were at the same level, he still managed to command preferential treatment simply by acting like he was entitled to it. Robin could diva-out with the best of 'em when it suited her, but at her real job where she intended to be respected? She had to go down integrity lane. So it was great that she could spend the rest of the day in bed, especially since it wasn't like she was going to see Steve-

_Oh, fuck_.

She felt as though she lost all of her body's blood as she jolted to a stop in front of her lobby door. Steve. Steve. _Steve_. How could she have forgotten about Steve? She hadn't even thought-

No, it was fine. He probably figured out everything with her father and understood that she needed to calm down. Maybe. Hopefully. Hopefully his assumption wouldn't be that she had spent the entire night with her ex-boyfriend and almost kissed him and was seriously questioning pretty much every aspect of her life because her stupid brain just wouldn't shut up like it was supposed to. And it wasn't like he was pushy. Heck, he was probably glad to be rid of her for the night!

Her stupid brain informed her that her reasoning was pretty damn hollow and that any man worth his salt was probably worried sick about her and also feeling horribly guilty for the whole Dad thing. And that any man with any self-respect would also be pretty damn annoyed to find out that she was boozing it up and playing laser tag while he was panicked about her well being and, most likely, her safety.

_Ugh_.

Pulling her phone out of her purse for the first time since she left the bar, she braced herself as she pressed the send button and the screen lit up. Several texts littered her inbox. She also had two missed calls from Ted, one from Marshall (or Marshall's phone), and five directly from Lily. That made her feel kinda bad. She would be sure to give her friends a ring in the morning. But it was the fourth item that made her heart plummet down to her stomach and start to eat away at her intestines.

_Twenty-nine_ missed calls from Steve.

And the last was fifteen minutes before she got out of the cab.

Just as Barney had left.

Robin closed her eyes and cursed her own...everything. Her existence. She sucked so much. She constantly bulldozed nice guys. She just couldn't or wouldn't be happy with them, so she tried to make them as miserable as she felt. And clearly, Steve was just the same. All that she tried to convince herself about Steve and how they were so similar and how they could be happy if they helped each other overcome their pasts was false. Once again, she was with a truly nice guy who loved her and she was the crazy, messed up bitch who couldn't let go of Barney Stinson. Among other things.

Oh, and she had freaked out and refused to talk to him and ignored his calls after he tried to do something nice for her (horribly misguided though it may have been.) God, she was a jerk. An undeserving of love, should be spat upon jerk. The kid at the laser tag place had it right.

Sighing and grabbing her phone, Robin quickly hit Steve's icon and prepared to do some serious groveling. She could say that she somehow lost connectivity. That she was so upset about her father (_hadn't thought about him since the cigar bar_) that she wasn't up for chatting...but she had_totally _sent him a text and oh my gosh! It didn't go through? And she wouldn't say Barney's name even once. Or think it. No thinking about him at all. Ever again, ideally.

The phone rang and rang as she entered the elevator. It kept ringing as she entered her hallway and briskly rounded the corner towards her apartment. And it was still ringing as she reached her door and saw an utterly forlorn Steve sitting outside of it, holding his vibrating cell out flat in his hand. Sharply inhaling, Robin put her hand to her chest. Then she glanced down at her boyfriend as he stared off into space, seemingly unaware she was in front of him. She moved a little closer and cautiously said his name, bending down to touch his shoulder. Turning his hazy and pained eyes toward her, Steve let out a small little half-chuckle, half-sob.

Her heart stopped.

"Steve, are you okay?" She wasn't sure why she was whispering. In response, Steve simply opened his mouth a few times and swallowed his own breath and words. Shaking his head, he looked down at the ground before finally turning to her. His hands shaking and his eyes watery, Robin felt a little faint as he repeated words she once said back to her:

"Robin. I-I've done something bad."


	8. Chapter Six Pt 1

**Author's Note:**Hello everyone! I really didn't disappear, though it may have seemed like it. And I offer you an incredibly long and possibly depressing chapter to make up for my extended absence. Yay! But in all seriousness, I apologize for the long delay (an unexpected and weeks-long overseas trip had a lot to do with it) and hopefully you won't hate me for some of the stuff that goes down in this (really far too long) chapter.

...

_**Chapter Six - November 10th through November 11th, 2012**_

_And now all your love is wasted  
And who the hell was I?_

_..._

The colorful daisy pattern of her kitchen towels was mocking her. Why Lily ever thought that a stupid, childish, _happy_ pattern like that would ever suit the life of one Robin C. Scherbatsky was a complete and total mystery. Yellow and white. Those were colors for people who actually made _good_ decisions and have their _shit_ together and don't end up sitting in their kitchen and staring off into space while their boyfriend, the supposed good guy, was still _talking_.

And talking and talking and talking...

"-and it wasn't that I didn't want to go after you. I felt awful. And I hated that you would think I didn't care that I messed up or that you were so obviously in pain. But Ted kept saying that I should give it time, that Barney was an idiot for going after you, that you'd probably end up kicking him in the crotch, and my best bet was to wait for you." Steve ran his hands down his tired face in clear agony. "So I did. I waited. I sent you a few texts, but I made sure not to call you. But...then I got another call. From someone else."

"Chris." It wasn't a question. Her voice was foreign to her own body. Brittle and so inappropriately devastated.

"Her sister." Steve swallowed and sniffed. "Look, I think I should tell you what happened on Halloween. It's the only way any of this will make sense."

"God, you're almost as bad as Ted." She laughed harshly. Steve blinked. "He really likes non-linear storytelling." A blank stare. "It's exhausting." Still no reaction. "Never mind."

"I'm not trying to exhaust you." He chose his words carefully, tracing his pointer finger along the erratic, rutilated pattern of the granite. "I just want to explain everything so you don't hate me. And so you see where I'm coming from."

"You fucked Chris." Robin crossed her arms and stared at him. "I'm not really sure there's much more to explain."

"But there is!" Steve's eyes flashed suddenly and he stood up, anger rankling his shoulder blades into rounded defenses. "And you know what, you should know better than anyone that sometimes stuff is complicated. In fact, I think you understand that quite well, _bro_."

Robin sucked her cheek in between her teeth and bit down, crossing her arms. _Okay_, she thought while avoiding Steve's angry eyes. _Touche_. He maybe, _maybe_ had a point that things weren't entirely closed or platonic or simple between her and Barney. And maybe, _just maybe _she had been using Steve as a kind of buffer to keep her feelings for him at bay while still being close to him.

And _maybe, maybe, maybe_if she and Barney would have kissed, it wouldn't have stopped there. Maybe they would have gone back to his place. Maybe they would have started slow and then sped up as their desperation for each other reached an aching peak until they finally collapsed together, warm and dimly lit and wonderful. Maybe Barney would have teased her and worshiped her and maybe she would have tried her hardest to show just how much she still felt...everything in the world when it came to him. Maybe they would have held each other before falling asleep, strangely content in all the changes but for once certain of each other and how the other felt. Maybe they would have woken up and maybe she'd make breakfast so they could talk for hours and maybe they would have clung to their own perfect little bubble for as long as humanly possible.

_Maybe_.

But the salient point was that none of that happened. At least not this time. Technically speaking, Robin was absolutely in the clear in terms of not being a completely horrible and cheating girlfriend. Sure, it was circumstantial and not based on any deep loyalty or abiding love she felt for Steve, but dammit, she hadn't pushed it after the moment was passed and she really could have. Steve was the one who ultimately violated the trust, whether or not the initial shakiness was both of their faults or not.

And furthermore, _no one_cheats on Robin Scherbatsky. Didn't Steve realize that men fell at her feet and couldn't think of anyone else when she was in the room? Even Lily wanted a fairly large piece of her fine, fine ass.

None of it computed.

But still, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, even if technically those stones stayed mostly in the house on her end. So she supposed it wouldn't actually _kill _her to hear Steve's side of the story.

"Fine." She stated icily. She certainly was in no mood to budge or show him that she had any reason to be guilty. _Because she didn't._"Tell your story."

Cautiously sitting back down, Steve ran his fingers through his hair and sighed before beginning his fairly long and involved tale. He gesticulated wildly and strung his words together awkwardly, clearly unsure of how to explain himself and the circumstances that led the two of them (and the absent Chris) to where they were now. His eyes never budged from the floor, clearly terrified of Robin's wrath and he was whispering. But Robin heard him loud and clear and her heart swelled with something that felt odd and disjointed to the situation.

Steve had been a terrible boyfriend to Chris. Though he loved her immensely, he was only 25 when they met and was terrified of the implications of meeting someone who could actually be "The One" so early on in his life; the idea felt so drastically out of line with his highly ambitious goals. So he lashed out and pushed her away, treating her like all sorts of crap until finally she called him out on it and dumped his sorry ass. And it should have been the end, but they had the same circle of friends and, through a series of (_frankly a little boring_) hijinks, they ended up volunteering together. Though it was bumpy at first, they soon after became best friends and made a pact that their romantic relationship was merely a starting point for something greater.

But then Halloween changed everything. Drunk and happy together, Chris impulsively kissed him along the fire escape, pouring what felt like years of tension and confusion and love into her embrace. Steve admitted that he couldn't help himself and returned in kind, pushing her up against the brick of the apartment building. (_"Dude," Robin's eyebrow arched. "I don't need the play-by-play."_) But then he immediately remembered Robin and how he was trying to be an honorable guy and an actual good boyfriend for once in his life. When he pulled away and said that to Chris, she started crying and told him that she loved him and that it wasn't going to change. That she thought they were moving back towards each other but then he showed up with 'Robin freaking Sparkles' on his arm and Chris knew she couldn't compete. But that it didn't change how she felt and she just needed him to know, no matter what. But that if he _really _didn't feel the same way, she couldn't and wouldn't stand to get her heartbroken day in and day out anymore.

So she went to Canada, to give both of them time and space to think. And it made him indescribably miserable. But then the previous night, Steve got a call from Chris' sister to let him know that she was back in town...and she was finally getting a chance to dance as Juliet, her dream role throughout her entire ballet career. So completely forgetting everything that was happening with Robin, Steve threw on a tux and ran downtown to sneak in during intermission, a huge bouquet of red roses in hand. And as he watched her dance with the grace and beauty Steve knew Chris was but forced down into denial, he was filled with so much joy and pride and a strange tingling feeling that proved he was still alive that the next thing he knew, he was kissing and kissing and kissing her against the stage door and a cab and finally, in his bed.

"I really am incredibly sorry, Robin." Steve's whole body was trembling and he looked so young and vulnerable. "You don't deserve any of this or getting dragged into all of my countless problems. All I wanted was to do the right thing for once because I'm _always _the jerk. And now I know I'll never be anything _but _the jerk."

Feeling a sudden and renewed sense of clarity, hope bubbled up purposefully into her chest and brought out a smile on Robin's face. Placing her hand on top of Steve's to try to relieve his trembling, she ducked her head to make gentle eye contact with the man who was now certainly her ex-boyfriend, in all the best ways possible.

"What the hell are you doing here with me, dummy?"

Steve started and raised his head. "What? You're not going to throw things at me?"

"I considered it." Robin smirked before sighing. "No, Steve. The thing is...how can I be upset after hearing that story?"

"Uh, because I cheated on you." He was blinking, clearly startled. "It's a pretty standard reaction."

"At the end of the day and from what it sounds like, I'm not sure that _I_was the one who was cheated." Robin rubbed her neck and almost rolled her eyes at his still-confused and blank face. "Look, this isn't easy for me to admit, but that was one of the most beautiful stories I have ever heard."

She stood up abruptly and started pacing. "I mean, hello? The ballet? Roses? And being so overcome with pride and love that you just kissed her over and over again? Hell, my heart's fluttering like a tween girl's and you're supposed to be my _boyfriend_." Robin tilted her head and smiled a little sadly. "That has to mean something, Steve. You and Chris are obviously meant to be."

"And you're okay with that?" His voice was choked but his eyes were filled with so much gratitude that Robin softened into melted butter.

"My ego is certainly bruised." She snorted a little, but offered him a half-smile. "But who am I to stand in the way of true love? It's pretty rare. Plus, most of my friends ram its importance down my throat on a daily basis. Eventually, it kinda sticks."

He smiled a little at that before sighing heavily and burying his head in his hands. Running them through his hair, Steve sat back up and looked at her plainly, exasperated and fatigued. He shook his head and slumped his shoulders before swallowing and massaging his neck.

"I wish it were that easy." He finally managed to get out. "Last night was...well, you know. But right after, Chris freaked out because she didn't want things to start this way and something about how Robin Sparkles would hate her forever before running out."

"Oh, Steve." Robin put her hand to her heart and crinkled her eyebrows. "I mean, I get that reaction. But I'm really sorry that happened."

"That's why I didn't go after her. I thought she made her choice, so I just kept trying to call you to assuage my guilt and try to make things right." He leaned forward on his elbows against the cold granite. "But when I actually saw you, I knew I couldn't keep lying."

A small strangled noise came from his throat as he tried to laugh. "It's probably not worth it. Hell, I'm a lawyer, I think very rationally and this-this _everything_ with Chris, it doesn't really translate into something sensible. It's too much trouble and too much work." He grinned sarcastically. " It's 'inefficient_'_, as my bosses would say."

"Oh, horseshit!"

Steve almost fell off his chair. "Excuse me?"

_Idiot. He's such an idiot. And not in the I-love-him kind of way, but in the dropped-on-his-head kind of way._

"You cannot give up the best thing that's ever happened to you because you're scared and too passive to actually let yourself be happy. Love doesn't just fall on your lap, you actually have to work at it." Her hands were flying through the air as she scolded her ex-boyfriend with conviction she didn't even know she had in her. "Yeah, it's going to be 'work' and 'trouble,' but sometimes people are worth the trouble! Stasis may be easy but it's not a replacement for passion."

She paused, the faintest hint of memory hitting her heart.

_'With you, the trouble doesn't seem so...troubling.'_

Robin swallowed and felt light-headed.

(She refocused. Because she was not talking about herself. She was talking about Steve.)

"I-I mean, I knew you and Chris loved each other the first time I saw the two of you together. Heck, even when I thought she was a man, I thought, 'Wow, Steve's kinda gay for this dude.'" He chuckled at that and she stood up to round tightly on his person, poking his chest with her annoyed pointer finger. "It's not funny! I'm serious."

"Oh, come on. My extremely recent ex-girlfriend being my own personal pep squad to go after another woman?" Steve grinned. "That's a _little _funny."

Robin smirked. "And I'm sorry about that." At his confused look, she sighed and sat beside him. "I knew you loved Chris and I didn't do anything about it. I mean, you were my secret crush." She nudged him a little bit and he smiled, rubbing her hand. "I thought you had to be, you know, _it_."

He simply nodded. "I get that. Believe me, I get that."

She tossed a comforting arm around his shoulder and leaned in, feeling more in tune with him at that moment than she ever did during the course of their relationship. "Things don't always work out how you plan. And when you love someone, sometimes you just have to go get 'em and screw what conventional wisdom tells you."

Turning to her, Steve blinked before a his mouth dropped open, realization and something quietly personal filling in his eyes. He stood shakily and smiled hesitantly.

"God, you're right. You're so right." He touched his hand to his head and laughed. "Shit. What the hell am I doing here? I need to-I need to go." He grabbed his briefcase with harried movements before suddenly stopping. Flipping back around, he ran over to Robin and threw his arms around her.

"Thank you." He murmured into her hair. "For being understanding and for pushing my stupid ass out of here."

"Anytime." Robin laughed softly and patted his back. He pulled away but kept his hands on her shoulders, looking down at her very seriously, with the smallest hint of a smile still playing on his lips.

"You know," Steve shuffled his feet and squeezed her biceps gently, "I really think you should follow your own advice."

Robin nodded slowly and squeezed his forearms back. "I'll try." Her lips quirked and she looked down at the ground. "I just...I just hope he's actually ready."

"He's madly in love with you." Steve pursed his lips together and Robin's eyes widened at his blunt statement, her heart quickening against her rib cage. "Anything else can be worked out."

Robin nodded, fear starting to suffocate her renewed sense of vigor and hope. She could do this. Steve was doing it and... and she could do this. She wasn't doomed to misery forever and she could...do this. Barney loved her. Barney...love_s_her.

_Damn._

Even the _thought _was foreign to her mind because she had never let herself think it before that moment. Not that she didn't know on some level that she and Barney would always love each other in that bittersweet and melancholy way that past lovers always do. Doubly because they remained such good friends. But hearing the words directly from Steve's mouth, in the present, in the current form that she had desperately wanted and maybe knew for so long...it was terrifying. He loved her. He love_s_her. He loved her.

_Barney loves me._

As anxiety threatened to completely choke her lungs, Robin forced out a smile and a wave as an exuberant Steve turned and walked out of her apartment and her life.

She knew she would be a little sad about that in a bit. But for now:

_Barney loves me.  
Barney loves me.  
Barney loves me. _

Robin closed her eyes. She needed sleep.

But when she woke up, she would summon up all her courage in several heavy and swallowing breaths, she would her grab her purse and walk out the door and down the elevator and to the sidewalk. She felt clearheaded and wistful. The winds of change would whip her hair toward that lonely little bench in Central Park and she would smile, knowing that she was making the largest and most important and best decision of her life. And she would stare down toward the East River, and she would think that she could still just barely make out Steve's jogging silhouette as he raced towards the woman he loved (never mind that they had probably long since made up, it was the symbolism that counted). Taking one last breath, Robin would decide to follow his lead. So she would turn on the balls of her feet and she would head west. To MacLaren's. To find him.

Finally.

But for now, she needed to drop on her couch and sleep for as long as possible. Barney would still be there in the evening.

He always was.

...

Barney knew his MacLaren's routine by heart. Drink finished by 9:05, tongue down random's throat by 9:10. Simple yet elegant.

Though to say he knew it by '_heart_' was probably inaccurate. It made the erroneous assumption that anything remotely or credibly emotional had anything to do with his hands grazing the curve of this (or any other) Asian (or Lebanese or short or German) girl's ass or that he felt something - _anything_- when his lips moved down to their neck. He supposed there was a time in his life that he felt excited, in a purely lustful and sexual way. A time when he enjoyed the chase and the thrill of the kill. But these days... he didn't really know. The thrill wasn't so thrilling and while he certainly got hard and hot through the rote physical intermingling of body parts and saliva, the act of kissing and groping and grinding on some nameless, usually faceless pair of breasts and ass held no appeal beyond the salve or balm of a man in misery, clinging to complacency in the face of rejection.

Not that he could call what happened with Robin a "rejection" per se. But it's not like he could kid himself that she had suddenly changed her mind about the two of them. Last he checked, Robin hadn't recently suffered from head trauma or an amnesia-inducing aneurysm. And considering that she ignored three of his calls and one of his texts throughout the afternoon, he had the distinct feeling that she wasn't clamoring to make out in a laser tag arena any time soon.

God, he was such a moron.

In fact, he was a moron in the cleanest and most clinical sense of the word. Pattern recognition was a pretty well defined aspect of intelligence and when it came to Robin, it was clearly something he lacked. Every single time he and Robin had their little...moments or whatever (_what a Ted thing to think_), it was after she had expressed or was obviously feeling some deep vulnerability or insecurity or gave Barney some indication that she wasn't in her right mind. The only time he could think of where Robin seemed very aware of what she was doing was last November and he really didn't need a rehashing of how _that_went, thanks.

So it had been a fluke. Fine. But this time, he knew damn well that she was in a hurting place and he still tried to make something happen. No wonder she thought he was a sleazy asshole and could never, ever, ever love him in a million years.

The Asian grabbed at his crotch. _Focus, Stinson. You're awesome._

(The word rang hollow even in his own head.)

He plunged deeper into his distraction, tightly closing his eyes and wishing the world away. But then, she was pushing on his chest and giving him a small smile, saying she needed to run to the ladies' room but won't he please wait for her? Giving her his most charming and devilish smile, he smacked her ass as she scampered off, giggling. When she (finally) disappeared, Barney grimaced and spit her gum out into a bar napkin. _Gross_.

Bored then with even the memory of his make out partner, Barney scanned the bar for a new target. Nothing by the jukebox or in the booths. Maybe his standards were somehow rising or maybe he was just getting too old for this shit, as loath as he was to admit it (and definitely never would, especially not to Old Man Evelyn). Reminding himself that the strange was always better, he glanced over at the bar entrance to see if any interesting and new young things had stepped into MacLaren's and into his web.

And his eyes landed firmly on Robin.

_Goddammit. Of course_.

And, _of course_, he was moving toward her like a moth to a flickering florescent light. It didn't matter that most of 'em ended up trapped and dead when they finally reached the source of their obsession. So maybe Barney was doomed just like them, but screw it. It was still worth it, pathetic and horrible as it was. Guys like him didn't get the happily ever after, so best to cling to what remnants of some strange sort of happiness he could, right?

Wow. He was a huge, oddly poetic bummer tonight.

"Scherbatsky!" He forced his lips into an affable grin. "You fully rested and recovered from our crushing victory?"

He expected her to give him her usual little half-smile and eye roll, some joke about his Peter Pan syndrome, anything that would keep them in their tenuous yet deliberate realm of normalcy. But something was off about her tonight. Her torso was tense and straight, while gooseflesh rose along her forearms. She was swallowing repeatedly and shaking her head, her blue eyes lasered onto the ground in flashes.

She looked...angry?

"Or you still wanna go whale on those little assholes some more?" He waggled his eyebrows and brightened his smile manically.

Normalcy. Normalcy. Everything was normal.

"Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't have the time." Robin finally spoke, spitting her words onto the ground. "You seem pretty busy."

Barney's smile faltered and a dark pit began forming in his stomach. She couldn't be pulling this shit _again_.

"Eh." He waved his hand and took a slightly shaking sip of his scotch, firmly ignoring the completely unfounded accusation in her voice. "She's about a 7 on the Asian scale. Granted, that puts her at an 8.33 on the general scale, but at this point, my standards have become exceedingly high."

"Right." She barked out a mirthless laugh and crossed her arms, shaking her head. "Well, you're the _expert_."

He cleared his throat and scratched harshly at his eyebrow. "Everything cool, bro?"

Robin's laser pointer eyes looked directly into his with an unreadable challenge. "Steve and I broke up."

_Well, shit._

The inside of Barney's mouth went dry and his throat felt like it was closing in on his rising and pounding heart. Why was she telling him this?

"I'm...sorry." No assumptions. No anxiety. Cool, calm, collected. He clutched onto his tumbler and kept his face impassive to mask the screaming, the questioning and (_dammit_) the hope swirling and clutching in his blood. He had been in this place before and he certainly wasn't going to throw himself at her mercy only to have his sucker of a heart crushed under her feet.

Robin ran her fingers erratically through her hair. "I came here to tell you that. I thought you might care." She violently slapped at the bar before putting her hand to her forehead and closing her eyes. "God, I'm so _stupid_."

"You're going to have to explain what you mean by that." Barney didn't give a shit that he sounded like a mechanical and steely robot. He had to remain still and indifferent...clinical. He was trying to communicate better in general, since getting ahead of himself or behind the curve had created so much of the tangled bullshit in his life. And as much as that idiotic hope was attempting to burst out of his skin, he couldn't read further into it. She was probably just looking for a friend to talk to about it and Lily had graded it lower than an 8.

His spirits sunk. Yeah. That was it.

"Forget about it, Barney." She sucked in her cheek and attempted to smile at him. "It's all good. Steve was in love with Chris, so he cheated on me and now they're probably all happy and meant to be and it made me think...but just forget about it."

A new strain of anger niggled in his stomach. "Steve cheated on you?"

_Fuckin' idiot._

"Yes, but it's fine." She waved off his concern and tightened her purse to her side. "Really. And y-yeah, I-I'm just going to go. Clearly, I was wrong to come." She bit her lip sadly. "Should have listened to my brain. It has been saying that from the very start."

"R-Robin, wait! No, don't go." Barney's hand reached out against his will and clutched her arm. "I'm here. I'll listen. You know that. You've had a shitty few days, so I'll leave the bimbos behind."

For some reason, his sentiment inspired a loud guffaw from the tall brunette.

"You know what, Barney?" Her eyes were just barely glistening and Barney felt that awful, sinking and familiar feeling that he had somehow completely screwed this up again. "Every single time I've ever tried to find you, to actually talk to you about my life or about us...you're slutting it up at MacLaren's. So you'll have to excuse me if I'm finding your ability to 'leave them behind' a little suspect."

But Barney was frozen and blinking rapidly, entirely focused on one word in her angry and confusing diatribe.

"_Us_?" He whispered, his hands twitching their way towards hers and his lips just barely daring a smile. But the look on Robin's face wiped it away.

"I thought maybe there was." Her voice was cold and hard. "But you always prove to me that you're incapable of change. Thank you for keeping me firmly in reality. I needed it."

Barney's eyelids shuddered closed. He waited for it to come - the despair, the realization that he messed up the only good (wonderful, perfect, _awesome_) thing in his life yet again just by being him. The self-loathing and tragedy that followed him through every single wasted endeavor and the all consuming knowledge that it was all his fault, that everything that went wrong was directly connected to his complete inability to be a good person, a good boyfriend, a good _anything_. The crushing, choking, blinding sadness and defeat that meant he would never be happy and never "find the right girl," because the right girl still didn't want him despite all their history solely because he was such a fuck up.

... But it didn't.

Instead, his chest inflamed with a white, scorching anger he had never felt directed towards Robin before. Or if he had, he had always squelched it with his rationalizations about her superiority and his inarguable inferiority.

But now, even if that was true, he was _done_.

He had tried so hard over the years to prove not only to her but to everyone that he wasn't always that guy, that he could be there for her (or anyone) and actually be a decent, multifaceted individual with more to offer than a crude joke. And if anyone should have known that to be true, it was _Robin_. Because otherwise, for Chrissake, what the hell was the previous night? Or anything else he had ever done that was completely ignored or compartmentalized? He wasn't saying he was perfect, but he sure as fuck deserved better from the one person who knew who he really was better than anyone.

His head spinning and his fist nearly breaking his scotch tumbler, he brought the drink to his lips and downed it. Nodding and clenching his jaw, he ran his tongue over his teeth as he made up his mind. It was time. They needed this. He fucking needed this.

"All right." He said, still nodding like an idiot but really not caring. "All right." He stared straight at her, shocked at how baldly she was still glaring at him, like_ she _was the one who had any right to be angry with _him_. He grabbed her arm and ignored her protests. "Let's go."

Moving toward MacLaren's side door, he felt his heart hammer against his ribcage and his fingers tightened on her squirming arm, moving her closer and closer to their necessary conversation. He paused and drank in her shocked face, as everything within him tied up in knots of anger and passion and annoyance and desire and love and fury.

This was it.

...


	9. Chapter Six Pt 2

...

_**Chapter Six (Pt. 2) - November 10th through November 11th, 2012**_

...

Robin planted her hands against her thighs and looked around the dirty, empty alleyway mock-expectantly.

"The hell are we doing out here?" She finally asked.

"We're about to fight." Barney stared at the ground and paced. She could practically hear his inner commentary with Jim Nantz running through his head. She suppressed an eyeroll. Of course, he couldn't even face a conversation with her like a normal person. This is exactly why she was such an idiot to try to get involved with him again. Again! How many times had they tried this? It was pathetic. She was pathetic.

(Though, okay, maybe what she said to him was a little unfair.)

Jealousy reared its ugly head in her stomach as her mind conjured up the image of Barney practically mauling that idiot, stupid whore of a bimbo. How could he care about her and still be doing shit like that? How could he _love_her? It was impossible. She and Barney were impossible. That's what was important to remember.

So she focused on the task at hand.

"What, like a boxing match?" Robin laughed. "We gonna rumble, Barn?"

Barney stared her straight in the eye. "Don't make fun of this."

"I don't even have to! You're being completely ridicu-"

"Don't call me that!" Barney warned sharply, his eyes narrowing into slits. "I'm not ridiculous. I-I-I'm not just here for your amusement all the time. I'm a fucking human being."

Robin froze.

She suddenly knew that her response would determine the course of their friendship, the course of the group dynamic, the course of the rest of her life. This wasn't like their fights when they were together. Back then, they would hide behind trivialities. But this...this was _real _and... oh God, her heart was going a mile a minute.

Maybe she would be better off just letting everything run its course and not rocking the boat. It was better to be friends. Better to have him in her life in some way instead of not at all. Sure, it wasn't what she really wanted, but they were great friends. Weren't they? Weren't they just..._awesome _at being friends? They could fight and drop bombs on each other or they could, as Barney always said, be awesome instead. That's what they always chose. Why should it be different now?

But as the memories of Barney's fingers brushing against her cheek swelled in her mind, she knew she only had one option. It was time to put it all on the table, as painful as it was certain to be.

Unfortunately, her mouth and brain always had a way of disconnecting from her heart:

"Well, maybe if you took _anything _seriously for once in your life, people would actually give a shit about what you have to say!"

_Ugh._

God.

No.

Her world crumbled around her in regret.

Barney reeled away from her, his eyes painted in an anger she hadn't seen in years. God, she was still doing it wrong. Maybe he would ignore it. Maybe he would laugh it off. Maybe she could laugh it off? They were friends. Best friends. And best friends didn't say stuff like that to each other.

Barney and Robin especially didn't say stuff like that to each other.

A silent pause fell over them for a moment. Robin's heart pounded through her core and she wondered if he felt the same. However, her wondering didn't last long as Barney grabbed a glass bottle and threw it violently against the wall behind him.

"Are you _kidding _me?! I have revealed more of myself to you than anyone else in my entire life-"

"Well, clearly it wasn't enough, Barney, you're not a child-"

And they were off.

...

"You didn't even think twice when you came in with Kevin! It would have taken a three second text. Something like: 'lolz sry don't love you after all.' But no, you couldn't even do _that _for me!"

"Who the hell brought love into the equation? You certainly didn't!"

"Oh, so it was all my fault? That's fucking rich, Scherbatsky-"

...

"Quinn was a bitch! And you just went along with her like some kind of mindless zombie, it was disgusting to watch!"

"Well, Kevin was a manipulative ass! What kind of unprofessional douchebag dates a patient?!"

"Kevin was the nicest guy I dated!"

"Try telling that to the American Psychological Association!"

"_You _were the one who called them?! Dammit, Barney, this is exactly what I'm talking about-"

...

"You never trusted me! Even though I didn't even so much as glance sideways at another woman when we were together!"

"How could I have _trusted _you? The whole time we were together, all I could think was how I probably didn't measure up to #122 or #57 or whoever was bound to come after me. That my tits were too small for your tastes or-or-or that the second I hit forty, hell, even when I turned _thirty_, that you'd dump me for a 22-year-old. What kind of masochist would purposefully put herself through that, Barney?!"

"That is so unfair. Just because I'm not Ted and I don't write sonnets about your every move doesn't mean-"

"Oh, what a shock! You're bringing up _Ted_-"

...

Barney's eyes filled with tears as he leaned into Robin, gnashing his teeth together.

"I ate that wasabi with pride and dignity and out of respect for you, and if you still can't see that, then I honestly don't know why we're even having this conversation."

"Oh, you wouldn't know 'respect' if it bit you in the ass, Barney Stinson-"

...

"YOU ACCEPTED HIS PROPOSAL?!"

...

"I was going through the most vulnerable time in my life and you were off fucking some stripper!"

"How was I supposed to know that it was 'the most vulnerable time in your life' if you don't tell me anything! Jesus Christ, you're infertile? This is literally the first time I've heard _anything about that_. I mean, what the _fuck_, Robin?! What was I supposed to do, read your mind? You weren't even talking to me! I don't think you knew how awful that felt-"

...

"You couldn't even be honest with me about feeling sad that Marshall left GNB! Emotions are something normal people have and something people who care about each other can actually talk about!"

"Puh-lease! I asked you to open up to me that same exact day and all you gave me was a bogus story about your Dad being a murderer, so excuse me if I wasn't about to bow to your fucking wishes-"

"You know better than anyone how complicated my own shit is! Why do I need to rehash it all the time?!"

"Oh, you have a gross misunderstanding of 'all the time.' God, Robin, at least I've _tried _to be honest with you-"

...

"YOU KISSED TED?!"

"STRIPPER!"

...

"You wanted kids, so I decided to let it go-"

"Goddammit. When have I ever wanted kids? Do you even know me? I have never, ever wanted kids and it's frankly insulting to our friendship...to our_ relationship _that you would be so presumptuous and not even give me a chance to actually talk to you-"

"You say that like you're the easiest person in the world to talk to, Barney, and that's just not true!"

"I try my best! Just because you can't see that doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't actually want to be better than I am now-"

"You can't just _want _it! You have to work at it."

"If you don't see the strides I've taken, the real steps towards being an actual...person, then seriously _screw you_, Robin."

Robin stopped hard at that. Raising her eyes up to Barney's wild and broken stare, she gaped her mouth open a few times, her next retort getting lost in her throat. She was such a jerk. She could never just say what she actually meant, could she? Of course Barney had worked on changing. All she had to do was think back to the days when she first met him and...well, the change was clear.

"I know." She whispered, looking down at her hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. But really, Barney-"

"Stop." His voice was firm and he was leaned up against the dumpster, staring into space. "Stop. I have something I actually really need to say."

She swallowed, suddenly nervous. "Um. Okay."

"And I don't want you to interrupt me." He pinned her with his furious gaze. "Because you've said a lot of bullshit tonight and I think I deserve to get my piece out there."

"'_Bullshit'_?!" Indignation made the words jump out of her throat, "My opinions are perfectly valid-"

Barney held his hand up and glared at her with an intensity she'd never seen. "Seriously, Robin, if you give _anything _of a shit for me, you'll just...shut up."

She sucked in a deep breath and nodded, hugging her arms around herself. Barney stared at her a little longer, seemingly to make sure she wasn't about to cut in with some other comment. To be fair, she was tempted to apologize but she had a feeling that he would lose it if he even heard the tiniest whisper of her voice at this point. So instead, she simply waited.

"I get it." Barney sighed and ran his fingers through his short hair before patting his pocket and cursing at the lack of cigarettes. "I get why you would say the things you did. Do you think I'm_ proud _that I still sleep around? I mean, it's not like I'm running plays anymore, but Christ - what kind of self-obsessed moron can't even keep it in his pants when he's single?" He leaned his head back against the metal of the dumpster. "It's why I've always said in the past that I'm...you know, broken or whatever. There's really nothing I can do to change who I am."

Robin's lips twitched but she stayed silent, especially as he pushed himself off the dumpster with renewed vigor.

"But you see, who I _am _is actually a tricky concept." He held a single finger in the air and began pacing. "For as long as I can remember, I've played a role. You know that. But the rub is, it wasn't just the suits and the bravado and all that shit, it was... more than that. In high school, I dressed like a goth and it was my whole world. In college, I dressed like a hippie and it was my whole world. After Shannon dumped me, I became...this and it's been my whole world."

Barney stopped on a dime in front of Robin and wrinkled his brow. "Or it was. Yeah, it started changing when I met Ted and Lily and Marshall, but really, when I fell-" He averted his eyes down to the ground. "When I_ met _you, I found myself caring less and less about...all the stuff I cared about before. And not just in terms of a persona, but in terms of my-my-my overall values?"

He brought a frustrated fist to his mouth and clenched his jaw before laughing. "My entire life I wanted to control and manipulate the world because it had...whatever, it _rejected _me whenever I acted like myself. And when I met you, I don't think I had a clear image of who 'myself' even was but then eight years later, I feel like I'm a lot more real than I ever was and I feel like you have had a lot to do with it even if I can't exactly explain it."

His words were rushing out and his face was flushed. "So that's why it sucked so much hearing you say that I'm incapable of change. It's not true. Even if you have a small point about the bimbos. Maybe you're right about that. I mean, my internal rationalization is that it's not fair to be in a relationship with yet another woman who's destined to be second best, so it's kinder to just sleep around. But that's probably nonsense. Maybe so long as I'm single, I really can't change."

But then Barney's eyes darkened and he turned away, like he was disgusted with her and couldn't face her as he said what he needed to say. Robin wasn't sure she could blame him. Her trembling fingers moved to her lips and she swallowed tears away. Because as much as this was about her, it absolutely _wasn't _about her.

He kicked at the dirty ground and cleared his throat. "But you know what? I don't see why it has to change. Because I _am_ a single man. We aren't together and you have no right to give a shit about what I do. If I want to have a threesome or a tensome or-or-or bang a random Slovakian girl, you're not _allowed_to care. If you want to be with me, be with me. But otherwise, you gave up that privilege almost exactly one year ago."

Barney then stood still and ferociously glared at her torso so that she had never felt smaller in her entire life.

"And hearing you talk shit about Quinn? Yeah, it was a mistake. And you're right, I didn't love her." His eyes met hers and she choked back another sob. "But how dare you? I was just trying to move on and make a real life for myself. And since I-I've consistently been the one bulldozed by you, I'm not really interested in your playing the victim anymore."

With that, Barney collapsed along the brick wall and buried his head in his hands. He widened and stretched his jaw, seemingly amazed at the amount of words that had just poured out of him. But he still wouldn't look back up at the shaking and panicking Robin.

"Barney..." She whispered, unsure of where to go from there. She was so stupid. She needed to take it all back. They were friends, they were friends, they were friends. Why had she tried to mess that up again? It wasn't worth it. Having Barney near her, speaking to her, laughing with her...that was worth it. She didn't need the rest. Neither of them needed the rest. They just had to be awesome.

With his free hand, Barney waved her off.

"I don't have anything more." He said, still not looking up. "You can go back to your regularly scheduled life now."

"But I want you in it." She rushed forward. "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch. I know I have been. I just want things to be normal between us." Robin swallowed. "You're my best friend, Barney."

Then he laughed a little ruefully and looked up at Robin with red, honest eyes.

"I can't do _normal _anymore, Robin." He cracked his knuckles and gave her a wavering smile. "I don't have it in me. I'm sorry."

Robin's chest imploded from the force and finality of his words.

"Am I still your bro?" Her voice was so tiny, she was sure it would get absorbed and lost in the space around her. But Barney stared at her so intensely that there was no doubt he heard her.

"Robin." His voice was small too, she noticed. Uncertain. Scared. But he bit his thumb and Robin's heart stopped as he sadly shook his head. Suddenly she felt like she was underwater and there was no air and when she tried to push away, the black hole kept sinking her in further. Drowning. There was no doubt that this was exactly what drowning felt like. She put her hand to her chest and tried to breathe in, gulping continuously.

He was speaking again. "It's only because..." He rubbed his neck. "Because even after all that, you still don't get it."

"Get what?" Her stomach really, really hurt. "Tell me what I need to get and I'll get it."

But he was gone. He was walking away and she realized that he didn't hear her. He hadn't heard her ask the question and he was walking away, probably forever. Maybe she hadn't even asked the question at all. Maybe she was still so scared of him and of herself that after he shook his head, she just stayed silent. She stayed silent and didn't give him any reason to believe she cared.

Steadying herself against the brick wall, Robin suppressed the urge to vomit.

He thought she didn't care.

Like always.

...

Stretching his arms over his head from underneath the cozy blanket, Ted mused once again that living on his own was actually pretty darn sweet. With his Netflix hooked up to his television and all his friends scattered about doing their own thing, no one would ever make any mean or rude comments about his fantastic BBC architecture special. True, English architecture wasn't necessarily his favorite. Particularly post-1945, as they tended to be a bit more cutting edge whereas Ted favored the classic _art deco _style of Chicago. But it was still a fascinating look into the timeline and nuances of the different modern masters across the pond. And to watch it without hearing fart noises every five seconds? Pure heaven.

Ted cut into his big block of cheddar cheese and took a bite. Also, no one was there to steal his disgusting yet dastardly delicious junk food. Win-win-win-win. All around. Ted the winner. But just as David Attenborough's smooth voice began to soothe his worries and cares, a loud pounding came from his front door. He rolled his eyes.

"I told you kids that I'm not playing hide and seek anymore!" Ted hollered. "We had fun earlier, but enough is enough! Go to bed!"

(Okay, so maybe it wouldn't kill him to socialize with his friends just a tad bit more.)

But the pounding just increased and a growing warbling sound came along with it, all out of tune and pitch and really just painful to listen to. Ted considered himself something of a music snob and he was definitely unopposed to interesting vocal qualities, but the feminine voice attached to this singing was certainly... drunk.

"_Turn around briiiiiiiight eyes...turn around briiiiiight eyes..."_

"Teddy bear, open the door!"

"_Totally 'clipsin' the heart_... TED!"

Oh.

He knew that voice, of course.

_Shit._

And the pounding and singing increased.

"_Every now and then I fall apaaaaaart_! TED! TED! TED! OPEN UP!"

Ted rubbed his temples. Great. Just great. Stepping out of his cocooned state, Ted walked blankly to the door and swung it open to reveal (as he had expected) a falling over, stumbling, and singing Robin. She cocked one eye at him and pointed with a wide, wild smile.

"Teddy." Robin hiccuped and patted his shoulder. "I've had a lotta whiskey. So you'd better sex-a-me-up, Teddy boy. Because you're my only shot at happinesh like I had figgered out before and I knew it but I didn't wanted it because back then it was all like blah blah blah _Barney_." She scrunched her nose at him and tilted her head. "You know?"

"You reek."

"False." She pushed him back and fell into his living room. He sighed and dramatically swept his hands to welcome her into his apartment. Because, hey, it wasn't like he was doing anything!

...God, she could just be so irresponsible and destructive.

"By all means, come in. Always great to see a friend."

"You're bein' sarcastic."

"Well, you're drunk. Again." Ted set his mouth in a straight line. "So I'm really not sure why I should take anything you're saying or doing seriously."

"_And I need ya now toniiiiight and I need ya more than evahhhhhhh!_"

Completely ignoring him, Robin threw herself dramatically on his couch and kept singing and thrashing around like a lunatic. Ted had seen her extremely drunk in the past, but she had never been like this. A tiny voice in the back of his brain signaled that maybe something was up - maybe something bad had happened? Maybe with her dad? Shit, of course. Ted hadn't even seen Robin since her father had made an extremely unexpected and unplanned appearance. It was no wonder she was all twenty thousand sheets to the wind.

She was hurting. Bad.

"God, Robin." Ted sat beside her and patted her back, trying to talk over her singing. "I completely forgot about everything that happened with your dad. I guess I've been kinda caught up in all my own stuff that I've been ignoring your world. I'm really sorry."

Robin sat up suddenly and looked at him with wobbly but very stern eyes. "My dad ish a jerk. We all know that." At her next hiccup, he jumped up and handed her his stray glass of water. Thankfully, she chugged it. "But I'm not here cuzza my dad. I already-Barney and I-it's fine. I'm fine, Ted."

"You don't seem fine." He grabbed the glass again and went to the sink to fill it up. "And it's okay if you aren't."

"Oh _clearly_, I'm not fine." Her voice sounded more like her own. "Look at me, Ted."

Laughing a little at that to cover his worry, Ted brought her the other glass of water. "Well, then what's up?"

She gulped the water down and looked at Ted very seriously, taking his hand.

"_Once upon a time, I was fallin' in loooooove, now I'm only fallin' apaaaar_-"

Ted placed his finger on his lips. "In prose, please."

She rolled her eyes and made a face at him, sticking her tongue out messily. "Fine. I don't know. I just realized a lotta things after Steve and I broke up and then it was all..._whoosh_! And Barnman and I had that fight and everything sucks. Everything just sucks so much, Ted, and I don't think it's really gonna get any better."

Another hiccup. Ted clutched her hand.

"You and Steve broke up?" He asked quietly. "I'm really sorry. I know how much you always liked him."

But once again, she rolled her eyes and made a loud, frustrated sound from the back of her throat, pushing Ted away and angrily stomping her feet.

"God, you don't listen! You never listen! You don't see what I've been trying to say for _years_, Ted. I've been telling you this for years." She crossed her arms and pouted before leaning back on the couch. "It's not that damn difficult."

"Help me out a little, Robin." He kept his annoyance checked in his throat. She was drunk. Now was not the time to talk about what a closed ass book she had always been since the first time he met her. "Just explain again what you've been trying to tell me."

"_Turn around..._"

"Robin, stop it."

"_Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be!_"

"I'm serious, Robin."

"_Turn around..._"

"Robin."

"_Every now and then I know-_"

"Goddammit, stop!"

"_-you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am!_"

"Oh my god-"

But as Ted opened his mouth to tell Robin where she could shove her horrible singing, she suddenly did stop and she just looked at him, her face utterly painted in devastation. He sat back bewildered as she brought her hands up to her cheeks and immediately starting sobbing and wailing as loudly and painfully as he had ever heard anyone bawl in his entire life. Hesitantly patting her back as she clutched her arms around herself, Ted was honestly never at more of a loss.

"Jesus Christ, Robin. What is going on?" He whispered, stroking her back in circles with his thumb. She fell into the fetal position on his couch and her words were unintelligible. "Robin. You need to tell me what's wrong."

"He really is! He's the only one who wanted me. Really me. Bonnie Tyler is frickin' smart. Is she Canadian? I'll bet she's Canadian." She rubbed at her eyes and her breathing evened out slightly as her eyes widened in awe. "He is the only one. No, he's more than that. Fuck, Ted, I think he's the _One_."

_Ouch_.

Ted couldn't deny that hearing her say that about someone else sent a muted bullet through his stomach. But if they were ever going to be truly friends, this was the kind of stuff he needed to listen to. And maybe she was right. Maybe before he just didn't want to hear about her romantic troubles, so it had actually been boiling up to this point the whole time. And now, he owed it to her to help her through it. Because as much as he once loved Robin in a romantic way, she was still his family.

That mattered more.

She pulled herself up then and stared down at her hands before looking up at him. "Oh my god. Ted, I messed everything up. I messed it all up. I'm the biggest fuck up in the world. He's the love of my life and I just let him walk away like that even though I knew what I wanted to say. I was gonna tell him, Ted! Why didn't I tell him?"

His eyebrows crinkled quizzically as he wrapped his arm around her. "I thought you said this wasn't about Steve?"

Robin closed her eyes and took his hand in hers, shaking her head solemnly.

"Ted." She was whispering. Her eyes suddenly opened and she poured herself helplessly into his stare. "I think you know it's _not_."

And it all came crashing down.

"Barney." Ted whispered. "You're in love with Barney."

"And he hates me." Robin's eyes watered again and she pressed her cheek against the couch. "Not that I don't deserve it. I deserve every bit of scorn he throws my way. I messed it all up."

Ted pressed his cool fingers against his hairline and took a deep breath. He could handle this. He could talk Robin through this. Everything was going to be just fine. He was fine with this.

His world was assuredly _not _disintegrating with this revelation.

"Barney doesn't hate you." He still couldn't quite bring himself to look her in the eyes. "I don't think it's possible for Barney to hate you."

"Well, he should." She closed her eyes and sniffed. "I would hate me. He poured himself out to me again and I froze. I could have said, you know, _I want to be with you_ or _I want you_ or _I love you, _but all I said was that I wanted everything to be normal. And he walked away."

"Don't worry about that. I think Barney can understand trouble with self-expression."

At that, she sharply laughed and buried her head in her hands, her frame still wavering. "Yeah, except that I had no trouble self-expressing all the ways he's disappointed me over the years."

"Ah." Ted leaned forward and handed her the water glass again. "Well, that's a horse of a different color. But not really that unreasonable. I mean, it's not like Barney is some Patron Saint of Virtue and Righteousness. He's disappointing to a lot of people a lot of the time, including all of us on numerous occasions. And while I don't know much about the time you guys were together, I imagine he was...difficult. It's important for him to hear the truth. He screws up a lot and needs to be called out on it."

Robin sat up and looked at Ted quizzically, her eyebrows tightening together with an odd sort of concern and wariness. "You're really harsh regarding him sometimes."

He shrugged. "Someone needs to be."

"No." Her head shook emphatically. "Ted. You need to believe me when I say that Barney is tough enough on himself. He doesn't need to hear it from you."

"I somehow doubt that Barney spends much of his time on self-reflection. He needs someone to point him in the right direction." Ted traced the edge of his coffee table with the tips of his fingers and found his heart sinking sickeningly into his intestines. "I think you see what you want to see with him. He's not a philosopher."

"Thank god." Robin laughed genuinely this time and Ted glanced up at her, unsure of how to take that response. "Look, all I mean - and you need to take this with a grain of sugar because I'm still pretty wasted - is that Barney is a much better person than you give him credit for. He's not the God of Chaos he pretends to be even if he's not usually a thinker like you and-and-and honestly, dude? _I'm _really the one who deserves your judgment."

"Don't be a martyr, Scherbatsky."

She looked him in the eyes again. "I'm not. I _know _Barney, flaws and all. It's why I can say that I really do l-l-love him. And I promise you, he's not the fuck up here."

Ted snatched the empty glass out of her hand and stormed deliberately over to the kitchen sink. Presumably, he was going to fill it yet again so he could make good on his promise to help his friend. To talk her through this. To make her feel better.

Honestly, though? He needed to step away from her for a little while.

He wasn't sure how to handle this sudden change. It's not like Robin hadn't done her fair share of complaining about Barney in the past and, back when they were roommates, they would speak about his schemes with a reservedly critical eye together. She had been emphatic that her relationship with Barney had been a huge mistake and Ted foolishly accepted her statements at face value.

It made sense. So long as her image of Barney remained firmly beneath her vision of _Ted_, he could readily convince himself that he was imagining her longing smiles at his friend or the way she would stare off into a sad, lonely space whenever the random women or Nora or Quinn were brought up in conversation. He could convince himself that she didn't really love him like_that_and then Robin would always exist in this realm where she was untouchable by everyone. He was truly fine with not having her for himself, but having her actually fall for someone else - especially Barney? It was one of his worst predictions coming true.

But Pandora's box was open now. And he couldn't ignore the fiery curiosity and nausea that accompanied the certain knowledge he had.

"How long?" He was probably whispering and definitely staring into the sink.

"What?" Every facial expression she made was comically exaggerated by the booze, but Ted didn't feel like laughing.

"How long have you really been in love with Barney? Is this a recent development?"

Robin sighed and shrugged one shoulder. "I don't know. I'm not like you. I don't keep ledgers or tight tabs on my shifting...whatever. It's not all that clearly defined."

Ted evenly turned the faucet on and filled the glass to the brim. "Well, how long have you thought that he's... The One?"

"Tonight." There was no hesitation in her voice. "Here. On the couch. But only because I don't normally think in those terms."

Ted firmly slapped the faucet off and grinned tightly. "Well, I'm glad I could be a part of the moment where you came to that realization." Pinching the bridge of his nose, he walked over and stuck the water glass out. "Super awesome."

"Ted..." Robin tried to touch his arm, but he shook her off.

"I know you don't love me and that you probably never did. And I swear, I really don't love you like that anymore either." He inhaled a shaky breath and finally stared at her as plainly as he could. "But does it have to be him?"

"I don't know." Her voice was small and child-like. "I don't think I can help it. I-I'm not trying to hurt you. It's not like being in love with Barney Stinson has been a piece of cake."

"Being in love with you wasn't either." He snapped. "So I guess the two of you really are made for each other."

"I'm sorry."

And as Ted took in Robin's off-kilter silhouette slumped against the soft fabric of his throw pillow while her too-red lips trembled helplessly in such clear confusion and heartbreak, he sighed at his own capacity toward being a complete and unequivocal _asshole_.

What right did he have to begrudge Robin her feelings? Her _real_ feelings, the one he always so callously would push away and deny in order to keep her on some pedestal with the world's shakiest foundation? He was an excellent architect in practice, but when it came to applying the same concepts to his love life and his highly overactive imagination (because that's what everything with Robin really was, right?), he was utterly awful. Half or more of the reason he was angry wasn't because Robin - the living, breathing woman before him - was in love with one of his best friends. No, it was because he internally insisted on keeping _The Ideal of Robin _alive and locked in the ivory tower of his mind. It was pride. It was selfishness.

It was everything being a true friend was not.

He swallowed something bitter down into the crevices of his throat and sat beside her, his eyes closed. Cautiously, he reached for her hand and gently squeezed her cold fingers.

"Don't be sorry." That bitterness made his voice scratchy. "You have...you're- Robin, _I'm _the one who should be sorry. You're right. I've ignored everything you've tried to tell me and...I'm sorry."

Robin shook her head, her eyes glistening. "You've been such a good friend to me. I wouldn't have survived without you. I need you to know that."

"True." He nodded before sighing and leaning back, pulling her form with him. "But I didn't really want you to be happy unless it aligned with my happiness. And that's not fair."

She wiped her nose with her thumb. "Guess not."

"You and Barney make sense." He stared straight ahead, feeling equal parts clear-headed and disconsolate. "You really, really make sense. I think that's why I tried so hard to convince myself that the two of you made no sense."

"Well, it won't matter anyway." The wetness in her eyes fell to her cheeks as Robin's face contorted into another sob. "I'm literally the world's biggest screw up."

"Come on, not _literally_-"

"Don't start, Ted."

He smiled ruefully. "Just trying to make you laugh."

"No laughter. Never again. Huge screw up. I don't deserve to ever laugh-"

"And now you're spiraling." He squeezed her tighter to him and Robin curled herself against his form, fully unleashing her tears. "I think you need some sleep and to get this alcohol out of your system. Tomorrow things won't look so grim, I promise. Some coffee in the morning, some food, and we'll really hammer this out, okay?"

Robin continued bawling into his shoulder for a moment before looking up at him with a watery smile.

"Ted. I want you to know...you're wrong."

Off his confused head tilt, Robin touched his face and gave him the best smile she could. "I really did love you once."

Ignoring the sudden shrapnel to his heart in both the look on her face and all the implied meaning in her words, Ted put his arm back around his crying friend and kissed the top of her head softly.

"I know." He squeezed her tight to him. "I know."

He let out a deep breath and rested his stubbly cheek against her soft, silky hair.

"We'll fix this, Robin. I owe you that."

_Because kids, there will come a time in your life when you'll realize that what you expected for yourself will not work out the way you thought. In fact, those expectations won't even matter anymore. What will matter is doing the best you can for the people you love. And maybe, just maybe, that's what it's all really been leading up to._


	10. Chapter Seven

**Title:** "Awesome Instead"  
**Author:** Anna-Yes-Ma'am  
**Rating**: PG-13/R (for language, sexual references/situations)  
**Summary:** In the wake of Hurricane Quinn, Barney and Robin attempt to move on while retaining some semblance of their now irrevocably changed friendship. Yet neither one can quite shake their seemingly hopeless feelings for each other.  
Or: Musings on Season 8 before it is Joss'd outta town.  
**Characters/Pairings:** Barney/Robin  
**Spoilers:** Based on A LOT of what has been said and implied about Season 8, as well as all of Season 7. You have been duly warned.  
**Disclaimer: **If I owned HIMYM, the season 7 finale would have gone very, very differently.  
**Author's Note:**The final chapter! Thanks SO much to everyone who read and to everyone who commented so kindly! This was a ton of fun and I may officially have the fanfic bug. ;)

...

_**Chapter 7 - November 12th, 2012**_

...

_This is my excavation and today is kumran  
Everything that happens is from now on  
This is pouring rain  
This is paralyzed_

...

"Mmmmnerghhhh-noooooooooo..."

Ted's curtains were sharply drawn open. The proceeding sheet of light blinded Robin's already pounding head and vibrating stomach, forcing her into a pitiful fetal position. Running her poached tongue over her dry lips, she sat up and tried to ignore the barking nausea and the muted heart palpitations that made her feel like she was going to keel over and die.

She had never been so hungover in...ever.

Looking down at her pale and bluish hands, she dropped her aching head down and considered going back to sleep. But those plans were quickly dashed as she heard a harsh, attention-grabbing cough come from the corner of the apartment. Stealing a glance up, she inwardly groaned at the sight. Marshall, Lily, and Ted were all staring at her sternly, holding envelopes in their hands.

And, of course, right behind them was the giant white sign with big red block letters that read: 'INTERVENTION.'

_Fuuuuuuuuuuck._

"Is this about the drinking?" She asked through her stabbing headache, swallowing sandy saliva down her throat.

Marshall scoffed. "Drinking? Robin. The intervention banner is for _real _problems."

"But relatedly, you do owe me a new potted plant." Ted glared darkly at her before turning his face to a broken pile of dirt, clay, and greenery. "Leonard Fernstein deserved better."

_Yikes_. "Uh, when did that happen?"

"Around the second time you woke up with a song in your heart." Ted clucked his tongue. "You must have really blacked out. Do you remember anything from last night?"

Robin curled her gelatin legs underneath her and cracked her neck. Yeah, she remembered stuff from last night. She remembered going to MacLaren's and seeing _him _mauling all over some chick and being absolutely shocked and hurt and angered by it. She remembered hot jealousy burning through her core and his hand gruffly around her arm as he tore her out into the alley and she remembered the screams and insults and unfair accusations and the perfect clarity with which he tore her down. She remembered the look of conflict on his face when she called him her best friend and the defeat in his slumped shoulders as he walked away.

She remembered getting trashed on bourbon highballs and ending up back at Ted's place and embarrassingly pouring her heart out.

And then it was all blank.

"I remember my evening." She snuck at glance at Ted. His eyebrow quirked a little, but his face remained impassive. "And I remember drinking a lot of Maker's Mark and ginger ale. And then I ended up back here."

"That's all you remember?" Lily's face looked slightly devastated. Robin shut her eyes in frustration. It was suddenly clear that Ted had indeed filled the married couple in.

"And I also remember having a conversation with Ted. A conversation I assumed would remain _private_." She shot daggers at the man in question, who stared unabashedly back at her.

"It was all a little above my pay grade." He explained evenly. "Had to bring in some reinforcement."

"They'll just make it into a bigger deal than it is." Robin hissed, trying to keep her voice low like they wouldn't be able to hear her. Instead, Lily made an offended sound and Marshall crossed his arms defensively. "I thought this was, you know, between _us_."

"Well, that was the plan." Ted scratched his chin. "At least, until around 4am when you decided to burst into my bedroom accessorized with my lampshade on your head. And you were singing the Robert Zimmerman classic, 'Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man' at the top of your lungs. Naturally."

_Ooof._

"Er, that must have been annoying." She rounded her shoulders like a turtle shell, wishing she could disappear into the couch cushions forever. Just swallowed whole. The world would probably be better off.

"Not as annoying as you vomiting all over my duvet. That's when I decided it wouldn't be... _right _for me to take a go at this problem without the whole crew."

And then it clicked. "So this is a punishment?"

Ted simply grinned wickedly as Lily rushed up to her.

"Robin, no. This isn't a punishment. We all want to help you. And honestly, it's not like any of it is particularly shocking." She rolled her eyes, "I figured out that there was something up with you and Barney, like, two weeks ago."

"When Ted called us, we graded it at a 25. And that's out of _ten_." Marshall came behind his wife and gently rubbed her shoulders. "You clearly need to talk about this."

"I talked about it last night." Robin snapped. "And if Ted really told you _everything_, then you should know that it's all completely hopeless. It's over."

"Lying to yourself must get really tiring, huh?"

"You weren't there, Lily."

"All I'm saying is that nothing's over until the fat lady sings." She glared tightly at Robin. "Or until the skinny reporter actually puts herself out there and uninhibitedly tells Barney how she feels."

"Don't give it all away, Lil!" Marshall pulled her back in front of the banner and spoke out of the corner of his mouth. "I wrote one of the rhyming letters for this and I intend to read it!"

"Is that why you couldn't change Marvin this morning?"

"Oh, like I could just _stop _when I was in the middle of my Inspiration Zone-"

"Guys." Ted cut them off. "Maybe we should actually get on with this?"

"Yes, please." Robin groaned, her head buried in the throw pillow. "Or just kill me. Whichever you'd prefer. I know my choice."

But instead of swiftly putting her out of her misery, Marshall instead stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"Dearest Robin-" He began with a small bow.

"_I've known you now for about eight years/And never have I seen you with so many tears.  
I know you think Barney is your one to wed/But tell me truly, have you thought about Ted?_"

"What?" Robin actually looked up at that. Lily growled at the ceiling and Ted stared gobsmacked at his best friend. But Marshall simply continued:

"_You and Barney are an awesome pair/But doesn't Ted have the coolest hair?_"

"What in the mother loving hell are you talking about?" Robin's lips curled and her eyebrows stitched together.

"_The way he gels it, so stylish and spiky/If I were you, I'd say 'Me likey!_'"

She blinked in horror. "Exactly how long is this thing?

Marshall briefly looked up, "Twelve pages. Double-sided."

"Oh my God."

"_His Encyclo-pay-dias are a thing of pride/Just one more reason to be Ted's bride-_"

"I can't believe you're still trying with this stupid bet! You lost!" Lily suddenly exploded. "Get over it!"

"Bet?" Robin quizzically glanced over at a beet red Ted.

"Don't ask." He mumbled, shuffling his feet in embarrassment.

Marshall sighed loudly before letting his face fall into a resigned grin. His eyes searched Robin's face. Clearly seeing something there that even she couldn't put her finger on, Marshall gently folded the poem into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.

Retrieving a green bill, he walked over to Lily, whispered something in her ear, and handed her the cash. Lily visibly melted and placed a gentle kiss on Marshall's cheek. But in response, he simply looked over at Ted and sent him a slightly sad nod.

(Ted gave him a thumbs up.)

For her part, Robin couldn't pretend that she either knew what was going on or that she cared at all about what was going on. She really just wanted some goddamn bacon. And some pancakes. Maybe a bit of coffee too? But mostly she wanted the fried animal fat. Ooooh, and _ribs_! Followed by a long, luxurious bubble bath and a plate of hot wings. And then she wanted to hole up under a blanket listening to "Heart of Gold" on repeat while she cried into barbecue sauce and contemplated the misery of her existence and how undeserving of love she would always be and how getting her teeth kicked in would be perfect karmic retribution because she just sucked, sucked, _sucked_.

And after that, who knew? Maybe she'd watch some _Antiques Roadshow_. That could be fun.

But rather than letting her go get her bacon on, Marshall instead interrupted her train of thought and sat beside her, placing his large hand on her shoulder.

"Okay. Fine. That wasn't right. I know you're in love with Barney." He ignored Robin's flinch. "It was unfair of me to impose my own romantic ideas on you, especially when you're hurting so badly. I'm sorry about that."

At Robin's shrug, Marshall looked up and off into the distance a little wistfully. "And there certainly_ is_ a naively romantic part of me that really wanted to see you end up with Ted. But there's another part of me that's a little less conventional that totally sees you with Barney for, like, a _really _long time."

"Why?" Robin stared down at her hands. "I don't see myself with anyone for a really long time. I...I tend to mess things up. I mean, case in point." She pointed at the banner.

"You think Barney doesn't feel the same way most of the time?" Marshall smiled. "I remember the first time he told me he had feelings for you. He thought I would laugh in his face. Or tell him that it was impossible, that he was a stupid jerk for even considering that_ Robin Scherbatsky _could love him back. But you know what I said?"

"I don't know." She sighed and stretched her arms over her head, studiously avoiding Marshall's piercing and concerned gaze. "Some stupid Star Wars analogy?"

"No." Marshall shook his head and laughed before suddenly looking up. "Though, the similarities between you and Ted as perhaps the _true _Luke and Leia-"

"Baby." Lily shot her voice over and shook her head. He cleared his throat.

"No." He refocused. "No, I told him that I thought that the two of you were actually kinda perfect for each other."

"Really?"

"Really." Marshall squeezed her hand. "And there's only one thing I would change about that statement now. The two of you aren't just _kinda_ perfect for each other, you _are _perfect for each other."

Robin wasn't sure how to respond to that. Leaning back, she sighed and gently rubbed her temples. _Perfect for each other_. Those were words that befit couples like Marshall and Lily or Peter MacKay and Nazanin Afshin-Jam, not perennial screw ups like her and Barney. And-and-and even if they did love each other and even if they were kindred spirits and even if he was the One for her, what did it matter if they had to live in fear of their friends tearing them apart again? Weren't they the ones who tried to pull the plug? It all rang so...hollow and disingenuous and Robin didn't know how to take it.

"You certainly didn't seem to feel that way when we broke up." She finally mumbled, moving away from Marshall on the couch. "What changed?"

But as Marshall opened his mouth to answer her, Lily suddenly started bouncing up and down on her feet.

"Ooh! Ooh! My letter talks about that! My turn! My turn!" She smiled unfalteringly, despite Robin's best attempt at a droll and unimpressed glare in her direction. "Mind if I cut in, baby?"

Marshall stood and swept his hands out deferentially before briefly nuzzling Lily's nose. The red head beamed up at him and took her place beside the couch. Robin grabbed the blanket and cloaked it around her as tight as she could, shielding herself from the world and her friends' knowing stares.

"Dear Robin." Lily swallowed and gave a small, motherly head tilt before turning her eyes back to her letter. "You and Barney broke up three years ago. It was the right choice. Neither of you were prepared for any sort of relationship, let alone one that carried the expectations of dating one of your best friends. Not only did you feel a responsibility to be everything that you weren't for each other, you also felt pressure from all of us-" (She gestured around the room) "-to be something you didn't have the emotional maturity or capacity to maintain at the time."

She stole a slightly guilty glance up at Robin. "That's why I used to say that I didn't think the two of you would last. You weren't ready. And I honestly wasn't sure Barney would ever be ready. But you need to believe me when I say that I never, ever doubted the love between the two of you."

Robin cleared her throat and swallowed back something that felt suspiciously like more tears._ I'm like the frickin' Niagra Falls over here. Christ._But luckily, she was far too dehydrated from the night before to actually cry.

"Go on." She instructed Lily, her knuckles turning white around the edge of the blanket. Lily paused for a moment and cleared her throat.

"Marshall and Ted wanted to break the two of you up and I insisted that things simply needed to run their course. Which, it seemed, they did. The two of you broke up naturally and maturely, without much collateral damage. Soon, the two of you were friends just like you had always been."

She sighed and smiled a little. "But what a fool I was. The course was never run! It is all so obvious to me now. You never got over Barney and Barney really, really never got over you. The difference now is that you're ready for one another. Barney is fully committed to the idea of monogamy. And you seem to be committed to the idea of _Barney_, which may be the most important piece of all." She smiled. "And sweetie, I couldn't be happier or prouder."

Lily moved over to Robin and forced her friend to look her in the eye as she placed the letter in her lap. "Look, I used to think I was entirely all-knowing. But honestly? I have no idea what the future holds for you two. Clearly, though, you both deserve the chance to figure it out. I think if you gave it a real shot, it could be something really lasting and really beautiful, even if it's not something I can understand. I mean, Barney loves you so much and he always has-"

And that's when Robin's patience imploded.

"How exactly do you know that?" She demanded, throwing the blanket off and standing up on wobbly but determined legs. "Because he told you that _four years _ago? Did it ever occur to you that maybe that changed?"

"N-no." Lily shook her head and looked to Marshall desperately for back up. "Robin, it's so _obvious_. It's how he _looks_ at you and how he _talks _to you..."

"How he talks _about _you." Marshall chimed in. "Even if he doesn't specifically say he still loves you, I can sense it in my gut."

"We both can." Lily pleaded. "There's really no other explanation."

"Well, you'll have to excuse me if I'm not going to base the most important and terrifying decision of my life on your overly idealistic guts." She was pacing now and didn't care that it was clearly freaking out her enraptured audience. "This is what you always do! You take what works for you and try to apply it to _me _even though you should know by now that I'm not that same."

"I'm sorry." Lily whimpered.

Robin put a frustrated fist to her mouth (and vaguely registered how similar to Barney the movement was). She sat back down on the couch and sighed.

"I'm not asking you to be sorry. You are who you are. And I appreciate that. But offer me the same courtesy."

Lily nodded quickly. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better and more understanding of what works for you. Really."

Running her fingers through her hair, Robin leaned back with a sad smile. Lily really was a good friend who tried her best. That's what mattered. Sighing, she rubbed her aching neck and continued.

"So if you actually think Barney loves me, give me a real reason to believe that. Because empirically? All I can see is not meaning that much to him beyond friendship. If you look at the full scope of things, I mean."

Lily and Marshall exchanged desperate looks and opened their mouths like fish gasping for air. Marshall's brow wrinkled and Lily scrunched her lips up in deep thought before sighing helplessly. Robin smiled tightly at their response and leaned back, not sure if she felt vindicated or if she felt like she was floundering in a depression that would never, ever go away. It was probably some combination of the two. It made her want to scream.

Only the sound of Ted dramatically tearing up his letter jolted her back into the moment.

"Giving up so easily, Mosby?" She tried to laugh.

"It was stupid." He was staring down at the broken pieces in his hand. "Or, rather, it was stupid to try to read to you. It was a long, highly poetic, and highly theoretical musing on what love means and could mean for you and Barney. It would have put you to sleep."

Robin snorted at that and Ted caught her eye. "But I think I know what you actually need." Turning to his other best friends, Ted beckoned them out with a head tilt. "Marsh, Lil...would you guys mind stepping into the hall for a sec?"

"Ted." Lily's kindergarten teacher face was on. "It's impolite not to include everyone."

"Don't you trust us?" Marshall crossed his arms.

"Guys." Ted closed his eyes. "Please. "

Sensing the seriousness in Ted's voice and face, Lily's face fell into a straight line and she nodded. Grabbing her husband's reluctant arm, the two of them moved into the hallway as Marshall defensively announced that they needed to check in with Mickey anyway.

Gently closing the door behind them, Ted stood facing away from Robin for a moment, his shoulders steeled as he put his hands in his pockets. Unleashing a great sigh, he finally turned to her and set his mouth in a straight line.

"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you this." He finally said after a few moments of heavy silence wherein Robin hardly dared to breathe. "Barney would kill me."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't-" She began, knowing how close to the chest Barney kept his secrets. If he actually confided in Ted and not her then she was absolutely not supposed to know. But Ted shook his head.

"No. I think I need to. And as much as it might piss him off, he'll thank me eventually."

"O-okay." Because what else could she really say? It was all on Ted to make sense of this awkward moment.

"Barney told me about November."

Her heart dropped and Robin instinctively touched her stomach.

"What do you mean?" She asked a little breathlessly.

"That you slept together." Ted frowned and pulled his eyebrows together. "What did you think I meant?"

"Nothing." She rushed forward. "I just meant, uh, what did Barney say about it?"

"That you guys slept together the night we talked about the hurricane. And that you almost got back together. That it's why he dumped Nora."

_Ah, right. _She swallowed a few knives as she remembered how pristine and rainbow-bright-perfect Nora had always been and how much Barney had fallen for her, suddenly enamored with the idea of long lasting love and commitment. If Barney was going to want to be a better man for anyone, he couldn't have chosen a better candidate in all her English Rose beauty and grace.

Just the thought of it made her sick.

But he had ended it, supposedly because he wanted to be with Robin. And while she was maybe on the verge of believing that for real...

"He'd been looking for an out for awhile. Remember the Ewoks?"

"It was more than that." Ted's intense and quiet tone didn't waver. "He was never particularly invested in Nora in the same way he was never truly invested in Quinn. I've told you this before, but I've never seen Barney work so hard to keep a woman around and that woman has always been you."

"How could you possibly _know _that?"

"Because before you came back to the bar with Kevin, Barney decorated your bedroom in candles and rose petals. To prove how much he loves you."

Robin's brain short-circuited. The images in front of her suddenly turned blank white and she blinked several times.

"No." She said, laughing a little at the incredulity of the claim. "No. No, no, no. Barney wouldn't do that."

Ted's face didn't move.

"_No." _She insisted as a dark panic started to creep up her chest. "No. No, no, no, no, no..."

"Robin-"

"Are-are you serious?" Her vertabrae stood at full attention and the hairs on her forearms quivered in her growing anxiety. "Barney did that-_he did that_? Oh god." She fanned her chest. "God, I am literally the _worst _human being on the planet. I-I had no idea! If I had known..."

She had stayed with Kevin because he was the sure bet. Because she was certain that whether it was that night or in a few weeks or in a few years, Barney would break her heart. Because she thought Barney had been so in love with Nora and because Barney was so notoriously a chicken shit about dealing with matters of the heart or anything that wasn't directly tied to his libido, that it wasn't worth the effort to try again. Because she thought she knew that her rejection would maybe sting Barney a little, but that he wasn't truly committed to her or the idea of them. Self-preservation was the name of Robin's game. She thought she knew. She thought she knew.

But she didn't. Barney loved her and always had. He even made the effort she had always wanted from him. He offered the assurance she needed; he proved to her that he loved her. Even if he didn't get the words right and even if he wouldn't in the future, he loved her, he loved her, he loved her and he desperately wanted to be with her.

Robin just didn't get a chance to see it.

Opening her mouth to speak, Ted suddenly put his hand in the air like a conducter and cut her off.

"I'm not done." He stood up and drummed his fingers along his kitchen's table (_she still saw Quinn there every so often, mocking her_). "You were right last night."

"Bonnie Tyler _is _Canadian?" She offered with a feeble laugh, knowing that wasn't what he meant, but wanting to avoid the conversation.

"No, she's Welsh. But that's-" Ted cut off his impulse for corrections by biting his lip and glared at Robin's misdirection. "I'm talking about when you said that you were the one who messed things up with you and Barney. And while every instinct in me wants to laugh at that, I think I've been able to put together a fuzzy picture of how your..._relationship _with him has gone. And I've concluded that you're right. You screwed up big time."

"Yippee." Robin deadpanned. "Thanks for the pep talk."

"This isn't a pep talk." He practically growled. "This is straight talk because you've got to get your shit together, Scherbatsky. You're not only hurting Barney with your indecision, you're hurting all of us." Ted paused. "You either need to step up or ship out. If you want to be with him, you need to tell him with no more pussyfooting."

"Pussyfooting?" Robin snorted. Ted glared harshly in response.

"I'm serious. No more assumptions, no more games, no more empty promises. Be clear, be direct, be firm. Say what's in your heart." He sighed and looked down. "Or don't."

"Don't?"

"Maybe you don't want to be with Barney." He shrugged. "Maybe it's all too much work. Maybe love's not supposed to be so difficult. That's a perfectly valid choice as well. I don't want you to think this Intervention was about forcing you to be with Barney with a metaphorical gun against your back. That's not what we're asking."

"Then what are you asking?" Maybe it was her hangover, but Robin was genuinely confused.

"To take action. If you love Barney, tell him. And if you don't, then you need to let him go. Because if anyone knows what it's like to hold onto the tiniest shred of hope when it comes to you, it's me. It really sucks." Ted trailed off for a minute before biting the inside of his cheek with a shaky sigh. "And I think Barney is much, much more fargone than I ever was."

Whistling out a breath, she closed her eyes. Ted was right. It was now or never. She needed to be fair to herself, fair to her friends, and most importantly, she needed to be fair to Barney.

She needed to ask herself once and for all, was this what she wanted?

Did she really, truly want to be with him? Was she actually all in and ready for a relationship with Barney Stinson?

_Did she really love him?_

"Yes." She whispered.

A wide smile overtook her features and she nodded wildly, beginning to laugh. "Yes!"

"Uh, yes what?" Ted blinked and dared a small smile himself. Grinning brightly at her friend, Robin hopped off the couch and threw her arms around him, laughing and spinning before looking up at him with a soft head tilt and her hand pressed against his chest.

"Thank you, Ted." She offered gently. His eyebrows came together in amused confusion and he smiled fully back at her. Pushing away from him, Robin put her hand to her head and felt her face turn bright red in its dizzying joy as she jogged over to the door. Slamming it wide open, she didn't even feel remotely insulted when the (clearly eavesdropping) Marshall and Lily literally fell into the room.

"We didn't hear anything!" Marshall boomed as Lily stammered helplessly.

Giggling off their abashed explanations, Robin helped pull them to their feet. Squeezing their hands and looking into their eyes with new calm and clarity, she beckoned Ted over to the small circle.

"Guys. I need your help."

...

_Well I've been twisting to the sun and the moon  
I needed to replace  
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out  
All my love was down  
In a frozen ground_

...

Barney was vaguely aware of his door slamming behind him. The sound reverberated off the cold, empty walls and bounced off the chrome and steel and granite that still inexplicably made up the nuances of his life. Staring at the ground with a sickly sweet pit in his stomach, a small part of him had to appreciate the irony. His insides were jumbled, angry, messy, disgusting...and the contrast against his perfectly neat and cool exteriors was actually, really quite hilarious. He was the master of the possimpible, right? And having any part of his life even look like he wasn't a complete fuck up was a victory in his book.

Sighing, he flopped down on his couch and considered his ceiling mechanically. He supposed he was being dramatic. His life wasn't actually empty. Hadn't he just come back from babysitting Marvin -and a weirdly enthusiastic and evasive Marshall? He loved being an uncle. He loved being a friend. And he was pretty good at it. Really, the only thing his life was missing was...well, _her_.

Yeah, okay. That was a lot.

Barney frantically pulled out his phone and scrolled across her name for the billionth time in the past 24 hours. He was such an idiot. He should just call her. Tell her he was being stupid, that he was drunk, that she _obviously _misunderstood him...anything to take back what he said about them not being friends anymore. Clearly, he had been experiencing some kind of full blown hallucinogenic out-of-body experience because everything he said had been so...

Right.

He sighed. He was right. He had done the right thing. He released them both from the crap they had been pulling for - _fuck_- probably going on five years, if he took an honest stock of their relationship. The only way to end the torture was to separate completely. Or to come together.

But she obviously didn't want that.

Closing his eyes, Barney pinched the bridge of his nose and huffed out a few determined breaths. He was fine. He was awesome. He was awesome. He was awesome. Goddammit, he was _awesome_.

Pressing the pads of his fingers into his temples, he leaned back and blinked his heavy eyes. Taking inventory of his surroundings and his suit, he cursed aloud when he stared down at his tie. There was a small but significant bit of baby applesauce that dug its way into the silk fibres. Slowly loosening it from around his neck, Barney couldn't help but laugh at a little at the absurdity that had led him to getting the stain...

..

_"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Marshall demanded, blocking the apartment's exit with wild eyes and a sweaty forehead. Barney dug the heel of his palm into his eye socket and sighed._

_"Bro, I'm just...I'm really tired." He attempted a half-hearted smirk. "I was 'up' all night, if you know what I mean."_

_Marshall didn't laugh at his joke, so Barney assumed he didn't understand. Made sense. He was a dad now and dad's were programmed by nature to be super lame. As the high-waisted khakis went up, their sense of humor went way, way down. Normally, he would just mock the woefully out-of-touch giant, but it seemed like Marshall somehow... just knew he needed a friend earlier when he called and asked for help with Marvin. So Barney cut him some slack._

_"My penis." He helpfully explained. "My penis was up. It's a double entrendre."_

_"I got it." Marshall shook his head. "I'm pretty sure you're lying, but I got it."_

_Barney snorted. "Lying? Bro, my poontang levels have never been 'higher.' Or 'harder.' I've got a fever and the only cure is more poontang."_

_"Wow. An SNL cowbell reference? 'Poontang'? You really are... tired." Marshall crossed his arms and Barney detected the smallest hint of pity in his voice. Anger flared in his chest at that and his jaw clenched tightly._

_"I'm fine." He set his teeth on edge and tried to push past Marshall. "I just...I really need to go home, dude."_

_"But you can't!" Marshall yelped before firmly turning Barney around. "Marvin needs you!"_

_"Uh, all Marvin needs right now is some bowel movement control." He rolled his eyes. "I think he'll survive if I call it a night."_

_Marshall's eyes frantically moved around the room and he sputtered like an inane child. Finally, though, he was silent. Nodding to himself like he was resigned, he moved over to Marvin's holder and mechanically held his arm out._

_"But Barney." He spoke like he was reciting a script. "How will Marvin ever become a 'Bro' if you will not teach him?"_

_Barney spun on his heel and raised his eyebrow._

_"Listening." He devilishly stroked his chin and smirked. Marshall sighed and closed his eyes._

_"Oh, what if Marvin is never as...awesome as you and this night, this very night, is his only chance?" Marshall's voice increased in its monotone and he licked his lips. "Please help him, Barney."_

_Marshall swallowed and quirked his head a little. "Please help **us**."_

_The smirk on Barney's face transformed into a bright smile. He wasn't sure why Marshall was doing this (other than obviously desperately needing his guidance), but he didn't really care._

_"Challenge accepted!" His finger shot straight up in the air and he plopped down next to Marvin. "All right, kid. Lesson the First: Choosing the Right Bib. Now, you may think chicks your age are only interested in breast milk and shiny rattles, but did you know you can use both of those items to your advantage in capturing their attention, vis-a-vis your outfits, i.e., your spit-up catchers? True story..."_

_And as Barney filled his young nephew's head with important playboy, playbook, and play date information, he caught Marshall texting out of the corner of his eye. He softened a little, realizing that Marshall probably didn't need Barney to be there but, in fact, actually wanted to spend some time with him, for whatever reason. That actually felt kinda good._

_"Thanks, bro." He said a little quietly. "It's been a rough day."_

_Marshall nodded and there was a glint in his eye that Barney didn't quite understand. Not that it mattered. He had to work on teaching Marvin to say 'nailed it' and 'I'm awesome' anyway. But, still... Marshall was a good friend. And it was good to have that reminder after the shit suck of the past few days._

_Smiling to himself, Barney turned back to Marvin._

_"Now, Marvin, we need to do something about this dependency you've got on your mommy. Believe me, I get it. Boobs are fantastic, but-Whooo-oaaa, Bro! Not cool! This is Prada. Can you say 'Prah-Dah?' No? Eh, you'll get there..."_

...

Gently moving his fingers over the stain, Barney decided that it didn't really matter. It was Marv spit up and Marv was pretty okay in his book. Though his dry cleaner would shout and moan, he knew he could always buy another tie if it came to that (after performing the proper rites for his fallen comrade; he was an uncle, not a _monster_).

Maybe he'd wear a small towel over his suit the next time he held him. Normally, he would rather light his hair on fire than ever cover up his precious babies, but well...it was Marv. He figured they'd survive the occasional break from everyone's constant awe.

But occasional was all they could take. He huffed out a small laugh. Being an uncle was truly awesome. But being a father? _Ugh_.

He shook his head. Bad images from the night before cropped up as he reconfirmed his indifference and disdain towards procreating. Yeah, it was as true now as it had been when he fought with Robin as it had been three weeks or years prior. He only ever considered the idea of children because it seemed more...mature. But apparently, because he once was naively excited that Robin was pregnant with his child (which had way more to do with _Robin_ than the potential kid), he had alienated himself from her forever. Which was total bullshit because if she would just fucking _wake up_, she would realize that they were fucking _perfect _for-

It didn't matter. He said his piece. He put himself out there. She ran away.

That's what mattered.

Smiling tightly in resignation, Barney shook off his suit jacket and tie. He really was tired. He just needed to go to bed. Not even caring that he left his clothes slightly crumpled on his couch, he blankly moved himself toward the bedroom so he could fall asleep face first and dream away the next few days. (He'd call off work in the morning.)

But upon reaching the door, he started a little. A soft yellow glow flickered and emanated from within the room and gently moved out onto his feet. Scratching his hair in confusion, he slowly turned the doorknob and braced himself for a possible intruder or a small electrical fire or something.

All the bracing in the world couldn't have prepared him for the sight in front of him.

Nearly every square inch of his (quite large) bedroom was covered in white flickering candles. On his nightstand, his end table, his bookshelves, and on individually placed stands throughout the vast space available from the bed to the walls. And at his feet, deep red rose petals trailed throughout his hardwood floor and up to his bed, where a burst of the petals spread out among his comforter and pillows.

But he didn't give a shit about any of that.

What astounded him the most, what completely shut down every cell in his body, what made his mind go completely blank except for the pounding of his heart was the woman standing at the foot of the bed.

It was Robin.

...

She wasn't sure why she was surprised to see him when he stepped into the room. Robin supposed that it had to do with the high stress and high stakes of the situation she forced herself into, but she couldn't deny that when she saw the full form of Barney Stinson walk through the door, there was a rather large part of her that was shocked at his arrival. Shocked that he was actually standing in front of her, shocked that she was actually _doing_ this, and shocked that... _oh god_, now the candles were making her really hot and sweaty and her stomach was bouncing around all over the place. Taking a deep breath, she attempted to calm her nerves. 'Cause, well, vomiting upon his entrance _might_send the wrong message.

Barney's face mirrored her shock, but that actually wasn't surprising. After all, she had managed to break into The Fortress of Barnitude completely undetected. Robin could see his eyes moving quickly over the scene and calculating the implications of the candles, the flowers, her appearance, how she was here, what it meant. And when his eyes settled gently on hers with the tiniest spark of...something in their depths, Robin knew that it was her moment to finally prove herself to the man she loved.

"I'm not original, I'm never going to _be_ original, and I will always get all weird about this shit. So you can just forget about _that_, mister!"

...Or she could blather out nonsense instead.

Though she swore Barney's lips nearly quirked into a bemused smile, less than half a moment after she considered it, his eyes were glazed and shielded.

He was just staring at her.

He wasn't going to give her anything to go on. In fact, it seemed like he was actively_ refusing _to help her out in even the slightest way. Everything was completely on her.

_Shit._

"Um, that came out wrong." She cleared her throat and looked around. "Let me start again. Uh, well, so you're probably wondering why I'm here. Which is...reasonable."

Still nothing from Barney.

Flitting her eyes about the room, she swallowed and opened in the most logical way she could think.

"Your doorman is gay."

_Brilliant._

"Uh, that's-that's a major part of how I got in." She explained, since Barney's eyebrows did come together just the tiniest bit to express his confusion. "Ted and Lily-they were here. With me. Obviously. And, uh, we knew we'd have to get past Roger to even think about getting up here. So Lily started bustin' out her post-natal boobs and it did nothing. But _then_..."

...

_"Pablo Neruda once said that laughter is the language of the soul." Ted giggled and gently brushed the concierge's lapel. "Wouldn't you agree, Rog? Can I call you 'Rog'?"_

_"You can call me anything." Roger squeezed Ted's shoulder with his large, quite hairy hands. Smiling serenely at the gigantic (and terrifying) imposing figure of a man, he muttered under his breath as Lily and Robin quickly slipped past the front desk to the elevator lobby: "You freaking owe me, Scherbatsky."_

_Stepping into the elevator, Lily laughed and shook her head._

_"You know, when you and Barney get married, I think Ted just officially won his spot as your mutual Best Man."_

_Panic hit Robin's chest and her eyes widened into saucers._

_"What?!" She squeaked out, making Lily sigh and soothingly stroke her arm._

_"Okay, okay." Lily cooed. "Baby steps, girl. Baby steps..."_

...

"I mean, really, I don't think that what Ted had to do was so horrible anyway." Robin rushed to explain. "It's not like there's anything wrong with being gay and frankly, if someone needs to be a bit more secure in his heterosexuality, it's _Ted_. He can be a little insulting about it sometimes! Really, it was good for him."

Reading something in Barney's (still blank) expression, she started shaking her head. "And-and-_and_ it's not that I'm _opposed _to marrying you. Obviously, I wouldn't be here if that was the case, but it's just that...it's just like: GAH!" She made a face and waved her arms wildly about. "You know?"

And though the man standing in front of her still refused to respond, she made the educated guess that he did.

"So that's how we left Ted to the mercy of your oddly bulky British doorman." She chuckled a little and straightened her shoulders with a deep sigh. "Then Lily and I broke in here."

She raised her eyebrows sheepishly. "Er, sorry about that?"

...

_"This is the most romantic thing I've ever been a part of!" Lily squealed as she deftly shimmied Barney's lock while Robin held several large supply bags firmly against her person._

_Robin shook her head. "Uh, Lily? You have a pillow that's shaped like Marshall. He hires you marching bands whenever you come back from a trip. I think you guys will always have me beat."_

_"Yeah, but that's me and Marshall." She waved her hand dismissively. "It's all old hat. This is you and Barney! And it's you! You never do stuff like this! Ahhhh...you should serenade him with a Robin Sparkles love song! He'd adore that!"_

_"No."_

_"Whisper sweet nothings in his ear while you draw him a bubble bath? And then you guys could feed chocolates to each other!"_

_"Gross."_

_Lily rolled her eyes. "Get naked and cover yourself in expensive scotch that he can lick off you?"_

_Robin tilted her head and seriously considered that one. "Hmmmm." But then she shook her head. "No, no, no. Lily. I'm trying to get him to take me seriously and what I have planned will really drive the message home. So just drop it, okay?"_

_Finally pushing the door open and smirking as she put her bobby pin back in her hair, Lily nodded._

_"Fine. But you better tell me someday what you did! We're the reason you're even here, bitch, and we deserve to know the truth! Oh, I'll bet you wrote him a love poem! Did you? Did you?!"_

...

"I did not." Robin quickly assured Barney. "And I also promise I won't tell her about any of this. I mean, she's right. Without the gang, I never would have had the courage to come here and I will be grateful to them forever. But the details? Those are for us. They're none of her business and I think the less Lily knows about the intimacies of our life together, the better off we'll be."

He actually tilted his head at her bold statement and narrowed his eyes at her, like he didn't quite know what to make of the creature standing before him. Her eyes went wide again.

"Not that I'm assuming anything. Like, geez, Robin, wow. Way to be presumptuous, huh?" She laughed manically and scratched her neck. "Hooooo, boy. Gettin' a little ahead of myself."

Closing her eyes then, she braced herself to speak. "Look, Barney, Ted told me about that night in November. And I have absolutely no idea how to make any of that up to you and I'm not sure that I ever can. But I wanted you to know that I'm willing to try and I hoped this would be a start."

Sneaking a glance at him, her heart sunk a little as she took in his reaction. As she sort of expected, his defenses clearly went up on high alert. He stepped back from her, his nostrils flared and his jaw tightened, battling an internal fight-or-flight response.

But at least he stayed.

Taking his presence as permission to continue on, Robin rushed out with stream of words. "But I also know that the rose petals and the candles, that's all you. It's how you tried to prove yourself and, wow, it would have been wonderful. And I wanted to show you that I'm open to romance. But like I tried to say earlier, I'm a little rusty."

She paced in front of his bed a little, wringing her hands. "I couldn't come up with anything original to do. I mean, I thought about wearing a costume or something, but then we'd probably just end up having sex and while I'm obviously in favor of that, I don't think that's really what we need right now. Or at least at this moment."

"So I was trying to think of a way to bear myself to you _figuratively_-" (She laughed a little at that and tried to bite back the disappointment at Barney's lack of response) "-and also to do something romantic for you like you tried to do for me."

She tentatively stepped forward and touched her hand to her heart. "But Barney, what I realized was that you deserve more than the product of a romantic gesture brainstorming session. You deserve the one thing I haven't really given you and that's the truth." Robin whistled out a breath between her teeth and stared him straight in the eye. "So here it goes."

She raised her chin and bit her lip before swallowing more heavily than she had in her entire life.

"I'm in love with you, Barney."

...Welp, that was out there now.

Oddly, it didn't feel as horrible and gut-wrenching as she had always imagined it would feel. Yes, it was scary and yes, it definitely felt a bit like dangling over a long chasm filled with sharp knives. But honestly? It also felt incredibly freeing and like she had finally unloaded a heavy burden after a long desert trek. She had been so terrified of his response and the way her world would look once she finally admitted what she had felt for literally years that she never once considered how much of a relief letting it go and putting herself out there would be. Hell, she didn't even care that he wasn't immediately rushing up to her.

Suddenly filled with newfound power and freedom, Robin found the inner impetus to move forward.

"I'm so sorry about last night. I was being a total jerk and I was placing all my unspoken expectations on you. That wasn't fair. And you were _so _right about everything. I have been evasive, hurtful, jealous, needy, withholding...everything you implied or directly said." She clucked her tongue and offered a wry grin. "I don't deserve anything from you. And I promise I'm not making excuses for my behavior or anything I said to you last night. But..."

She wrinkled her eyebrows and restrained herself from taking his hand. "But I want you to know that last night, when I called you my best friend? I meant that. You are. But I'm also in love with you. It's not mutually exclusive."

Barney was blinking rapidly, but still just staring at her. His eyes still revealed nothing and his mouth was set in a firm and determined straight line, though his Adam's apple bobbed intermittently. Robin ignored the doubt that started niggling in her gut and ran her fingers through her hair.

"I've loved you for _years_, Barney, but I was so terrified of what that meant and how-how much you could hurt me." At his sudden jaw clench, she shook her head wildly. "Not because I thought you would try to hurt me! It's just...I never allowed myself to _really _be with you because I loved you so much. I know that sounds counterintuitive and cowardly. Which it was. It's just...my heart always said you were it, but my brain said that the way I felt about you could and would lead to disaster. So I nipped it in the bud and shut it all down. Or, well, I tried. Over and over again, without thought to how it would affect you."

She sighed and hugged her arms around her body. "Which I'm also sorry about."

Feeling tired and overexposed and a little frustrated at Barney's constant silence, Robin dropped her head down in aching exhaustion. A thought hit her head and she chuckled a little.

"You know, I always use the word 'ridiculous' to describe you, but it's wrong. I mean, you are ridiculous, in every wonderful way but what I really mean is..." She brought her blue eyes up to his and saw a tiny glimmer of hesitancy and hope in the corner of them. She smiled. "What I really mean is that you-you're my counterpoint."

She laughed nervously. "Wow, that's really cheesy."

Ignoring the pounding in her heart and the creeping irrational fear that Barney was moments away from mocking her, Robin threw her head back and puffed her chest out, ready to bring her clumsy speech in for a bumpy landing.

"I-I love you, Barney. And I think you love me too. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. If you had actually told me-" She cut herself off and closed her eyes. "No. That's not the point. The point is that I love you no matter what. Even if you're going to bolt out the door or think I'm Mosbying you again, I don't care. I love you."

Whistling out a heady and years-old sigh, Robin pulled her eyes back up to his face and opened her arms half-heartedly. Laughing lightly to fill the silence, she held her breath as she awaited his response.

At first, Barney just stared at her for a few long, torturous seconds. Then he tilted his head and stared at the ceiling, his mouth opening a little before staring down at the floor. Kicking the ground gently, he persed his lips before fluttering his eyelashes closed.

"Are you done?" He finally spoke, his voice gravelly and weathered.

Robin's heart plummeted to her feet and instantaneously broke apart into a thousand shards.

She was too late.

Blinking back the newest onslaught of tears, she pulled her chest up with as much dignity as she could muster. Barney didn't owe her anything. She said her part and now they could move on for good.

"Yeah." She whispered. "Yeah, I guess I am."

Closing her eyes, she wiped her traitorously wet cheeks and sniffed.

"I'll just get going. Sorry about-"

"Fuck, Robin, _thank god_."

And then before she could even begin to register what was happening, Barney's hands were suddenly tangled desperately in her hair and his soft lips were molded fiercely to her own, his body hauling her toward his with reckless abandon.

"Love you too..." He whispered frantically as his fingers massaged the nape of her neck and his eyelashes left dizzying patterns along her cheeks. "_God_, I love you too..."

Her mind went blank as those lips then moved swiftly across her cheeks to gently nibbling at her neck, while burying his face deep into her hair and inhaling like he was drowning man. As the vibration of her name being whispered hotly against her skin awoke all of her senses, she clutched herself to him with equal fervor and they tumbled onto the flower covered bed, their bodies moving in perfect, delirious tandem.

Through labored breaths and her teeth digging lightly into his neck, Barney briefly pulled away to cup Robin's face lovingly in the palms of his hands. He stared down at her face with the most positively dazzling smile she had ever seen and couldn't help but respond in kind.

"That-" He placed a quick, impulsive kiss to her lips "-took _way_-" Followed by several more along her cheekbones "-too _long_, Scherbatsky."

Robin laughed giddily and pulled him down to her, drawing his bottom lip between her teeth.

"I'm sorry." She finally managed out as she began quickly unbuttoning his dress shirt, pulling back just enough to enjoy the sensation of finally kissing him again. "From now on, I'll try to keep my declarations of love to under a minute."

"It's only polite." But he was laughing too and his hands seemed to be everywhere at once and she was alive and free and just so damn _happy _that she was certain they would both simply burst and float into the sky entangled together in sheer bliss.

"We still have a lot to talk about." She gasped out, her voice hitching in her chest as he nuzzled her breasts under his hot and slick mouth. "We-we have so much to discuss."

"Later." He insisted, alternating between demandingly kissing her lips and offering her star-bright, disbelieving smiles. "Later. Too busy now."

"Oh, god, yes we are..."

And as soft moans began to escape her lips while he worshiped her skin and hair and body and soul in all the most familiar and tantalizing ways, his own declarations seered into her skin. Between his ragged heartbeat that Robin could feel so intensely on her own chest and between the feel of his teeth light scraping against her collarbone, he confirmed his love for her over and over and over again ("Of course, I do. _Of course_.") And then they were saying it together and laughing and teasing and promising to be _awesome _together forever and ever and ever...

...

And hours later, as he finally fell asleep with his arms wrapped tightly around her naked form, Robin smiled contentedly as their destiny was finally fulfilled and the last candle faded down into an ember.

They still had a long way to go. They needed to talk and lay it all out on the table, from both sides and with perfect honesty. They may never be perfect communicators, but they both loved each other enough and both had _grown _enough that they would both work their hardest to be what the other really needed. She hoped he knew now, but she planned on making it crystal clear that she was in for the long haul. He deserved that much. But they had finally taken the gigantic leap back towards each other and for now, it was more than enough to satisfy them both.

Considering the enormity of their history together, she had to quietly laugh. It was funny. This moment had been years in the making. Eight years, in fact. Since the moment she walked into the bar and "met Ted." Little did she know that it would actually be the introducer who would make all the difference, in all the hilarious, confusing, joyful, weird, painful, convoluted, and winding ways it took for them to get there.

And somehow, as Robin Scherbatsky tickled her nose against the crook of Barney Stinson's neck, it was all completely, perfectly, wonderfully worth it.

...

_This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization  
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away  
Your love will be  
Safe with me_

…


	11. Epilogue

...

_**June 2014**_

...

The grass in Central Park glistened in the morning sunlight. Simultaneously, that same sunlight also glinted dangerously off the three huge diamonds perched on Robin's left hand, likely blinding several passersby.

Rolling her eyes good-naturedly at the ostentatiousness of her jewelry, she gently fingered the stones and reminded herself the promise she made Barney. Once a year. She would wear the ring he picked out once a year and the other 364, he wouldn't make a peep about her classy rose gold band that supposedly lacked his certain brand of 'awesome.' And so far, he had been shockingly good about keeping his word. Of course, that only meant there was no chance she would get out of wearing the nearly $30,000 piece of jewelry, especially on that particular morning.

But she had to admit...the man had good taste.

_Soooo shiny._

"Four!" Barney suddenly declared, wrapping his arm around her shoulders with triumphant glee. Smirking up at her husband, Robin scrunched her nose.

"What is the number of times I orgasmed this morning?" Robin offered in pseudo-_Jeopardy _style and Barney stopped in his tracks to grin wildly. After a brief and extraordinarily necessary high five, Barney shook his head and poked her side lightly.

"Close! No, what I meant was that this morning's sex is _number four _on our Greatest Hits List: Marriage Edition."

"Were we talking about this?" She genuinely asked, having forgotten the topic of conversation before they began enjoying their coffees and the companionable silence during their leisurely mid-morning walk.

"Even if we weren't, we _should _have been." He narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Really, Scherbatsky, focus."

"I took your name, jackass."

"I can tell you're intrigued." Barney continued as though Robin hadn't said anything. She tilted her head and snickered, wrapping her own arm around his waist while he talked. She had learned that his flights of fancy weren't worth fighting. And honestly, she very rarely even_ wanted _to fight them; they were usually just so damn adorable. "But let us consider the contenders, shall we? I would say that the first night of our honeymoon still holds tight at number two. Would you agree, madam?"

"Tight and firm." She contributed. "Like our asses. What!"

Another over the head high five.

"And then there's the actual Wedding Night Sex which, sadly, just keeps getting pushed down despite its initial champion chances." Barney sighed and looked off in the distance. "Pity."

"Well, hey!" She cut in, putting her hand on her hip. "Sure, objectively, it wasn't as fantastic as, say, Reception Hall Bathroom Sex-"

"Number five."

"Or-or-or that time we accidentally ordered a chaise lounge instead of the new couch."

"Number three."

"But considering the shitshow that day was?" Robin slowly shook her head. "It's frankly amazing that we even _had _sex in the evening. It was like The Little Engine That Could of sexual experiences and I think it deserves some sympathy points."

He grimaced. "Fine. I'll keep it at number seven, but that's tenuous!"

"Fair enough, judge."

"So obviously, this morning is the clearest front runner for the number four spot. Yea or nay?" He rubbed circles around her shoulder and Robin gently sighed.

"It was pretty damn good." She smiled in misty remembrance. "But wait, why isn't it closer to number one? Because I wasn't kidding about the four orgasms."

"Uh, because do you _not_ remember Day Five of Honeymoon Sex? When we finally stopped being all gooey and all 'You're my heart and soul, baby' and all that crap and got_ dirrrrty _again?" Barney waggled his eyebrows and ran his fingers down the curve of her back, making Robin shiver. "Until we even come close to the masterpiece that was _that _six hour marathon, we're gradin' on a pretty tight curve, sweets."

She looked down at her watch. "Well, we've got time today. I say we go for the eight hour marathon. Make it interesting."

Barney's face broke out in a wide, sweet smile.

"I love you." He said plainly.

"I love you too." Robin tilted her head and squeezed his hand. Pulling her left hand to his lips, he pressed a brief kiss on her ring finger. Then he immediately launched into planning out in graphic detail the itinerary for the next eight hours in bed, complete with Powerade and saltine breaks. She laughed at his jokes and rested her head lightly on his shoulder, marveling at his ability to weave the narrative through anecdotes, facts, and baldly fictional stories without ever missing a beat. Soon, he was talking about something completely different and Robin's heart felt like it could burst as she watched his bright, open, and animated face try to convey the whole entire world to her.

But then, she saw something out of the corner of her eye that turned Barney's stream-of-consciousness into soothing white noise. Across the pond, a tall and familiar figure paid for an ice cream cone and handed it to his petite companion with a loud guffaw that disturbed the nearby pigeons. The young woman next to him poked him in the stomach and laughed with equal fervor before throwing her arms around him, causing them to knock the ice cream to the ground. Staring at each other in shock, they both burst into more laughter and the tall figure spun the petite one into the air, covering her face with kisses.

It was Steve and Chris.

Before Robin could turn away, his eyes caught hers. Steve's eyebrows raised in surprise and pleasant acknowledgment. Offering her a quick wave, she smiled gently as she nodded back at him. And then, like the moment never happened, his entire attention was once again focused back on the beaming Chris.

Her heart did a strange little jolting _ker-thump _and rushed with love toward Barney. Rising on the balls of her feet, she cut off whatever he was talking about (something about Marshall and appetizers) by placing a messy kiss on his cheek. He pulled back and smiled at her, crinkling his eyebrows a little.

"What was that for?"

Robin shrugged and smiled breezily. "I just like your face."

"Aww." He tilted his head. "I like your boobs."

"Oh, I know."

He laughed a little and leaned his head against hers. "Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was saying that Marshall was all like, you can't have nothing but hot wings and scotch at a wedding reception, that's gross and I was all like, why not? Robin and I were going to but then you guys were buzz kills and _then _The Wedding Crasher had the nerve to say that her sister is vegetarian. I mean, they're being completely stupid, right?"

Rather than trying to parse out the inanity of whatever it was her husband was talking about, Robin stopped and put her hand on her hip before poking his chest.

"We've talked about this. 'The Wedding Crasher' has a name. And she's going to be Ted's wife. I know you don't like change, but you need to get used to this one fast."

"I know, I know." Barney played with his tie and rolled his eyes. "But the woman won't even let me throw him a bachelor party!"

"Uh, because you said you'd take him to a Donkey Show."

"I was _joking_. Like I'd ever step foot in Tijuana. The air would forever taint my suits." He huffed in frustration. "No one gets me."

"I know, baby. You're like a misunderstood artist." Robin soothingly patted his arm and made teasing kissy noises at him, making him snort out a little reluctant laughter.

"All I'm saying is that all the best parts of being a groomsman have been severely lacking and it's no thanks to that _wench_!"

"Oh, come on. They're sweet together."

"Sweet?" He turned to his wife with a devilish smile. "Why, Robin Stinson, are you getting soft on me now that you're an old married lady?"

Robin winked and responded in the only appropriate way she knew.

"Barney. Please."

At that, he smiled and kissed her temple, mumbling about her awesomeness into her hair. Winding his arm around her waist again, the two of them walked in perfect unison, discussing all of Barney's ideas for Ted's upcoming wedding, ideas for the afternoon, possible second honeymoon (or "_sex_-ond honeymoon" as he called it) locations for the two of them, the idea of getting a dog, and everything else that crossed their minds and tongues, occasionally stopping behind a tree to make out or lay in the grass. And yeah, maybe they were being a little sappier than usual, Robin considered, but she had come to adore their particular brand of sappy.

Besides, even they were allowed to be total sap-heads on their very first wedding anniversary.

Entwining her hand with his as they watched white clouds move slowly across the crystalline sky, Robin smiled yet again at the love of her life and couldn't help but think that Barney was totally right the first night they got back together.

She really did take way too long.

...


End file.
